All of Our Sins
by Terminally Introverted
Summary: Lovino is Catholic, but he's not entirely sure what he believes. Nevertheless, he and his brother Feliciano are forced to attend confirmation classes. When Lovino meets their group leader- bizarre, cheerful Antonio; one of the first people to treat Lovino like he matters- things get complicated. When they find this church is much darker than it appears, things get terrifying. Fast.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note/ Disclaimer: The church depicted in this story is meant to be a CORRUPT church. It is by ****_no means _****supposed to be a representation of a normal Catholic or Christian church. So if you are Catholic/Christian/Etc. and you think to yourself 'my church is nothing like this! This is awful!' ****_That is exactly the point. _****I am not doing this to condemn anyone's beliefs or practices! Thank you for reading.**

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_Oh, for the love of Christ. _

Lovino cringed at the irony of this thought as he stared at the looming building before him, a giant lurking in the overcast sky. He yanked up the zipper on his jacket in a feeble attempt to ward off the harsh autumn winds. The sound of a bell filled the air and pierced his ears, serving as a reminder of exactly what he was at this building to do. Parents with children, couples and singles ran to and from the building as a repetitive song played from somewhere inside. Lovino barely heard the lyrics that he didn't wish to understand, to relate to.

He glanced to his brother, Feliciano, who was gawking at the dreaded building like he'd never seen a church before. Lovino contemplated if it was possible to turn around and run, but with his brother's small hand wrapped around his forearm, he concluded that wasn't going to be possible.

"Lovino?"

He turned to face Feliciano with a raised eyebrow. At least he'd broken out of his trance, but the wild look in his eyes suggested that he felt very differently about the situation than Lovino did.

"Are we just going to stand here or are we going to go inside? It's boring out here, and it's cold! Don't you want to hear the pretty music and talk to the nice people?" said Feliciano as his eyes darted around. "There are so many people here! Wow!"

Lovino sighed. Yes, there were a lot of people rushing in and out of the practically ancient Catholic Church; but he didn't exactly see that as a good thing. It made him uncomfortable, really. "Are you seriously excited about this?" He asked. Feliciano sure looked excited, but he got excited over things like changing brands of detergent.

Feliciano tilted his head, his auburn hair falling into his eyes. "Yes, of course! Why wouldn't I be excited? We're going to get to meet so many new people here!" He paused. "Oh! We're going to be late. Oh, Lovino, will they be angry if we're late?"

Lovino didn't care if they would be angry and he didn't care if they were late. He wanted to be late, as late as possible; late enough that by the time they got there everyone else would be gone. He closed his eyes and reminded himself that this wasn't for him. It wasn't even for Feliciano. He was doing this to make his grandfather happy, the man who wanted nothing more than to see his grandsons confirmed into the faith he was raised in.

He was broken out of his thoughts when he felt Feliciano tugging at his arm. "Come on, Lovino! Let's go let's go!" He said as he attempted to pull Lovino toward the doors.

Lovino exhaled sharply and began to walk beside his brother, his steps slow and full of dread. It wasn't that he'd never been in a church before, he'd gone more times then he could count during his childhood in Italy. Now that he was seventeen and had long before started to form beliefs and ideals of his own, his grandfather had more or less resigned to the fact that he couldn't force him to go. The freedom was short-lived, however, since just a few weeks ago Grandpa Roma had announced that the brothers would be attending classes to prepare for their confirmation. There had been no resemblance of choice in the matter.

The outside of the church was a thousand times less intimidating than the inside, and Lovino wanted nothing more than to make a beeline for the door he'd just entered through. He wanted to bolt away from the crowds and the haunting music and the unnaturally cheerful greeters, away from the portraits in the stained glass windows with their unmoving faces frozen in time. More than anything, he wanted to get away from his own racing thoughts, the doubts and the worries that plagued him for so long. He had forgotten about all of this. He had wanted to forget about all this, all the things he wasn't sure about and didn't quite understand. Being in a place like this made him think about a lot of things he would rather ignore.

Suddenly someone was beside them. "Hi there! Are you guys here for the confirmation class?"

The voice was punctuated by a Spanish accent that surprised Lovino enough to make him turn and look at him. The man looked young, older than Lovino but young regardless. His tanned skin and sparkling emerald eyes made him stick out in the crowd. His undying, sincere smile didn't help him blend in, either. Lovino took a step back, unwilling to respond. As per usual, Feliciano spoke enough for the both of them.

"Yes, we are! I'm Feliciano and this is my older brother, Lovino!" Feliciano tugged on his brother's arm again to prove his point. "What's your name? You have an accent, like us! Where are you from? We're from Italy!"

Confusion passed over the man's face for a brief moment while Feliciano bombarded him with questions, but his smile soon returned. "My name is Antonio Carriedo. I'm from Spain, actually. You say you're from Italy? I've been there! Wonderful country." He smiled again, the grin carrying over to his bright eyes. Lovino studied his gaze but couldn't find a trace of insincerity.

Antonio checked the piece of paper he was holding and looked up again. "Lovino and Feliciano Vargas? You're in the group I mentor! We're going to listen to a sermon before class, why don't you follow me?"

Lovino's interest gave way to annoyance. He couldn't think of anything he wanted less than to follow this guy. His happiness came off as genuine but Lovino couldn't help but think it was artificial, just like everyone else that had spoken at them since they walked in. Feliciano, however, didn't seem to agree. "Yeah, okay! Come on, Lovino!" He said.

Only Antonio didn't move. "Wait a minute." He said. He looked at Lovino and his eyes gleamed with curiosity. "You haven't said a thing! Is something wrong?"

There was no point in lying. "I don't want to be here." Lovino said firmly.

Antonio didn't even flinch. His smile stayed perfectly in place, and Lovino instantly knew that smile would drive him up the wall. "Well at least I know you can speak." He said. Lovino glared at him. He was _still _smiling. How annoying. "Hopefully that will change. It's about to start, so we should get in there."

Having given up and accepted his fate, Lovino let Feliciano pull him into the main church behind Antonio. Upon entering, Lovino immediately felt smaller than he already was. All the church's features competed for the attention of his senses. The wooden pews seemed to stretch on for miles before reading the altar. The ceiling must have been a hundred feet tall, all the way to the heavens they claimed existed. His eyes focused on the frozen faces of saints staring at him from the intricate windows as he walked to his seat. All the while, the haunting drone of an organ filled the thick air to the brim and chilled Lovino to the bone.

When Lovino sat down, Antonio seemed to almost make it a point to sit down right next to him. Lovino made sure to sigh loudly enough so he would hear him and roll his eyes dramatically enough that he could be sure he saw. It wasn't long until Antonio started talking to him, much to Lovino's dismay.

"Hey, don't be so gloomy! It will be alright." His voice had a hint of sympathy, which made Lovino want to throttle him. "It can't be all that bad, right?"

Lovino didn't respond. Even if he had wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to. The sermon had started. He watched as an older man dressed in robes appeared behind the altar and placed a bible on the surface in one grand, attention-demanding gesture. Immediately, Lovino felt his chest tighten and his stomach lurch.

Something about this didn't feel right. The priest's tight scowl, the way the audience fell still and silent the moment he appeared and unmoving faces of the congregation just felt wrong somehow, much different than how Lovino remembered church services during his childhood. He glanced at Feliciano in an attempt to see if he was alone in this feeling. Feliciano was simply smiling like always. He looked to Antonio, who was doing the same.

Lovino deduced that he was alone. He clenched his hands into fists and waited.

The priest spoke with a booming, firm voice. "God is good!" He said, the words filling the room and bouncing off the walls.

The audience responded immediately, all in sync. "And all the time!"

Lovino didn't say one word. He had forgotten about the robotic call and response these things required. He didn't want to respond. Who was the say God really was good all the time? Pushing that aside, he watched as Feliciano repeated the phrase perfectly. Feliciano had never stopped going to mass. He attended on Saturdays with Roma. Lovino noticed there was one voice missing, and there was only silence to the other side of him. Antonio had not repeated the phrase either.

The priest continued before Lovino had time to wonder why he hadn't. "Brothers and sisters, we are all here for two reasons- one, because we love God. Two, because we are all sinners."

Wait, what? Lovino hadn't expected an opening like that. He tightened his fists that rested on his knees. Something about this was definitely wrong.

"Yes, we are all sinners! Christ has brought us together here, in this very building, to reform our hearts and cleanse our souls. Without Him, we are lost. Here, we are found." He paused. The room grew colder. Suddenly, there was a smile on the priest's face. "Today, the youth of our faith has gathered to begin their journey towards confirmation. They are here to get on the right side of the Lord. I will all of you- stay on the right path, the one true path, or you shall perish!"

Lovino felt his blood run cold beneath his skin. What kind of introduction was this? What this man was saying didn't make him want to 'begin his journey towards confirmation.' This made him want to leave and never come back. His mind drifted back to his childhood, when service consisted of sleepy songs and the pleasant voices of pastors. He glanced at Feliciano. His smile was intact, but it wasn't as strong as it was just a minute ago. There was a stitch of pained confusion in his honey colored eyes that Lovino wasn't sure he'd ever seen there before.

The rest of the sermon passed without Lovino really hearing it. The words passed over him like aggravating insects that he attempted to swat away, but the occasional phrase slipped past him and found it's way into his brain. Deserving of hell. Must be saved. Repent. Don't stray. Fear God. After what felt like an eternity - the eternity the pastor kept mentioning - it ended. Lovino finally uncurled his hands and realized how tightly he had been holding them together.

Antonio shot up from his seat. His smiled had faded. "That's over." He was looking straight forward, saying the words like he didn't expect anyone to hear them. He shook his head, his smile returned and he continued, looking directly at Lovino this time. "Can you and Feliciano head over to the room by the stairs? I have to find the rest of our group." With that Antonio was off, taking quick, careful steps in the opposite direction.

Lovino looked at Feliciano. He was staring straight ahead at the now-empty altar, his lips pressed into a forced looking grin. "Feliciano?" He said.

Feliciano snapped to attention. "That was really long, but it was interesting, right?" Lovino supposed that 'interesting' was one way to put it. Feliciano stood up and his energy returned. "It's time for group now, aren't you excited to meet our group members? Antonio seems nice, and his accent is pretty! Which room did he tell us to go to? I hope we don't get lost!"

"Right." Lovino said hesitantly as he rose to his feet. He did his best to shake the bizarre sermon off. "Let's go."

As they walked down the church hallway, Lovino began to speak again. "Hey, Feli? When you and Grandpa go to church, do you go to this one?"

Relief washed over Lovino when his brother shook his head. "No, we go to the one about a mile away from here, they have a choir that sings pretty songs and they even give us cookies and stuff afterwards! They don't have many people and there weren't enough kids for there to be a confirmation class though, so Grandpa said we had to come here. It's bigger here but I don't know anyone, but I bet I'll make new friends in class!"

Lovino nodded as his brother rambled, all while making sure to conceal his rushing emotions in his stoic expression. There was a big part of him that was overjoyed to learn Feliciano didn't spend his Sundays in a place like this. Still, the words of the sermon nagged at him. "Feliciano, do you agree with what they were saying back there?" Lovino felt like he needed to know.

Feliciano tilted his head, confused. "Oh. I didn't pay that much attention, there was a butterfly by the window so I watched it, then I started thinking about the pasta we're going to eat for dinner tonight, and then I looked away and it was over. Did I miss something important?"

Lovino felt a pang of doubt. He was sure he saw Feliciano's eyes glued to the priest the entire time. Not wanting to push the matter, he simply shook his head. The strange sermon was likely a one-time thing. "No, you didn't miss anything." He said. Then they arrived at the room by the staircase.

It was a small room decorated with crosses and bible quotes, a spotty coat of green paint on the walls. Couches and chairs were arranged in a circle, and Lovino and Feliciano were the first ones there. Feliciano ran to one of the couches and gestured for Lovino to sit next to him. Mere moments after he did so, Antonio reappeared with three other boys behind him. He glanced and Lovino and grinned. Lovino felt instantly irritated when his stomach jumped at the sight.

The first boy to enter had messy blonde hair; a charismatic smile and glasses perched on his nose. "Hey, dudes!" He said as he entered the room. He had a strong American accent and spoke with grating enthusiasm. "I'm Alfred! This is my little bro, Mathew!"

He pulled another blonde boy behind him, one that looked almost identical to Alfred. The only things that allowed them to be told apart were Mathew's slightly longer hair and the stray curl that fell from it. "Hello." He said. His voice was nearly inaudible, a far cry from Alfred's booming voice. "We're actually cousins…" He trailed off and followed his brother.

Feliciano waved at them excitedly, babbling greetings the entire time. Lovino sat stone-faced and instead nodded to welcome them. After they sat down, he watched as the last member of the group walked through the door. He was accompanied by no one and fixed his eyes on the floor. Even though he was supposedly the same age as everyone else in the room, this boy was built like a tank. He had blonde hair slicked back in a way that made him look like a military sergeant and carried a serious look in his blue eyes.

"Hello. My name is Ludwig." His deep voice, punctuated by a German accent, was slow and careful. He stood perfectly still with his eyes darting around the room. It appeared like he didn't know where to sit, since he had come in with no one.

Feliciano noticed immediately. "Ludwig! Sit over here; I don't want you to be lonely, I don't bite, I promise!" He said, patting the space next to him on the old sofa.

Ludwig hesitated. He stared at Feliciano with confusion for a moment, then slowly shuffled over and sat down next to him. Feliciano launched into more rambling and rapid-fire questions while the stoic, confused German could only listen with a bewildered expression on his face. Lovino sighed and leaned further into the seat. Feliciano always made friends so easily. He always had this uncanny ability to hold a lively conversation with just about anyone.

At some point, Feliciano gave Ludwig a break when he realized he hadn't actually introduced himself properly. "Oh, wait, I haven't said who we are! I'm Feliciano and this is my older brother Lovino, he doesn't say much though, so I'm introducing both of us!" Antonio chuckled and Lovino didn't say a word. He was used to his little brother speaking for him.

Lovino looked around the room; then at Feliciano after he finished speaking. "Why does our group resemble the damn United Nations?" He muttered. So far the room contained two Italians, a German, an American whose brother or cousin or whatever had some sort of accent, and a bizarre Spaniard conducted it all. How strange.

Feliciano smiled back at him. "I don't know, but I think it's really cool!"

Antonio, who had been sitting back while everyone went through his introduction, finally spoke up. "Ludwig Beilschmidt?" He said. "Wow, It's been awhile. You've gotten so big! Anyways, tell Gilbert hello for me!"

Ludwig nodded without saying a word.

"Excellent!" There was a sparkle of excitement in Antonio's eyes as he spoke. When Lovino caught himself staring into them, he dropped the eye contact like an active grenade.

Antonio smiled back at the entire group. "For those of you that don't already know, my name is Antonio Carriedo and I'm going to be your mentor. My goal is not for this to be torturous. There's only going to be one rule- say what you mean, and mean what you say. The one thing I do not want you to do is say things you think I want to hear."

Lovino raised an eyebrow. Considering that he just sat through and entire lecture about being obedient to the Catholic catechism, this seemed like a curious deviation. "And how do I know you're not just saying that?" He said. Everyone in the room turned to look at him and he bit his lip. He hadn't meant to actually say that.

Antonio looked at him softy; those damn green eyes looking like they'd absorbed every bit of light in the room. "Because, Lovino, that simply isn't who I am." Then, he actually winked. That bastard.

Lovino slumped down in his seat and resigned to the fact that this was going to be a very long class. Antonio averted his eyes and continued speaking. "To tell you the truth, I'm not very well prepared. I'm not used to these Americans needing to organize every last thing…" His jumping, accented voice faded into nothing as he rifled through a stack of paper. "Ah, you know what, forget it. How about we play a game? It's the first day, I'm sure no one wants to sit here and listen to me." Antonio spoke as if he was constantly laughing. His smile was audible in his voice.

_He's got that right. _Despite his annoyance, Lovino found himself hanging onto every word he spoke. He'd never seen someone so vibrant, so unapologetic- especially not a youth group leader. Lovino had been in one other youth group in his life, when he was fourteen and Feliciano was just twelve. Roma had thought it would be a good place for Lovino to make friends, and for Feliciano to make even more. The entire time, a man in his fifties would lifelessly recite bible stories and halfheartedly attempt to lead a conversation about them. Lovino didn't make any friends.

Antonio clapped his hands together. "Okay! Let's play a word association game. That sounds like fun, yes? Grab a partner, everyone!"

Lovino instinctively turned towards Feliciano only to see that he had taken Ludwig as his somewhat perplexed partner, despite having met him all of two minutes ago. Figures. Evidently, Alfred was with Mathew. Lovino sighed heavily in annoyance, threw his head back, and stared at the ceiling. This game was stupid anyway. It's not like it had anything to do with what they were actually there for.

"Lovino?"

Lovino nearly had a heart attack when he heard Antonio's voice next to him. Somehow he had gone from sitting on the chair to kneeling beside him without making a sound. "ARG! Don't sneak up on me like that, bastard!"

He almost expected to be reprimanded for cursing at him, but Antonio's grin didn't budge. "How about we play?" He said.

"Fine." Lovino was shocked by how quickly he allowed himself to respond. Oh well. What else could he do? "What kind of game is this, anyway?"

"It is simple." His softened voice grew louder when he continued, as he had to explain it to the entire room. "The first person says a word, and the second person says the first thing that comes to mind. Then, simply continue on like that. It's a good way to get to know each other!"

Lovino rolled his eyes. "I've never heard of that. It sounds ridiculous."

Antonio met his gaze. "That is because I just made it up. The best things in life are often ridiculous, Lovino." He said. He rose from the floor and sat on the arm of the sofa, which forced Lovino to look up at him. "Would you like to begin?"

Next to him, Lovino heard Feliciano begin the game with Ludwig. He had said 'pasta', and Ludwig had responded with 'food'. This caused Feliciano to launch into an uncontrollable laughing fit for reasons that were beyond Lovino's comprehension. All of these years and he still didn't understand his brother.

"I still think it's stupid, but whatever." He looked away from Antonio while he thought of a word. He found he wasn't able to think clearly when those green eyes were staring at him. He didn't know if he was more annoyed or confused about that. "Uh, tomato."

Antonio's face lit up. "Delicious!"

Lovino paused, wondering how on earth he was supposed to respond to that. "Pasta." He said carefully. He could almost see Feliciano's ears perk up.

"Italians." Antonio responded.

Lovino hesitated again. "Um, me?"

Antonio didn't miss a beat. "Interesting." He said the word with deliberateness like he had been waiting to say it.

No one had ever called Lovino interesting before. Really, it was extremely rare that someone say anything about him. Usually everyone's attention was focused on Feliciano. There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between everyone that met them- Lovino was nothing more than a slighter older, more irritable version of his younger brother. He was horrified when he felt his face grow hot. How absurd. Why would he be getting flustered over some silly, likely insincere compliment given to him during a _game?_ Of course he didn't mean it. No one ever did.

Lovino clenched his jaw, willing the ridiculous feeling to leave him alone. "Interesting? You've known me for all of an hour."

Antonio's eyes flicked as he tilted his head just slightly. "Sometimes, that is all it takes." He said. "Don't you ever have that feeling? You're walking down the street, someone catches your eye, and you just think 'wow, I bet they're an interesting person?'"

Lovino thought he might have had that feeling before, he just never knew exactly how to define it. In fact, he'd felt something like that when he first saw that nonsensical grin plastered on Antonio's face- _what, no! _He shook his head in a sorry attempt to evict the troublesome thought.

"You're a very, very strange man." He grumbled.

Antonio chuckled. "I would rather be awfully strange than incredibly boring." His voice was softer, less animated. He broke eye contact and traced his finger along the flower printed on the arm of the couch. When he continued, his voice was back to normal. "Do you have a word?"

Lovino had been so fixated on analyzing Antonio's words that he completely forgot they had been playing a game. "What?"

"A word, for the game. My word was interesting, the first thing I came up with when you mentioned yourself." He said it with such innocence, like there wasn't a world of meaning behind the words and it didn't cause Lovino's heart to frustratingly jump.

His response was dry. "Science."

"Passion."

Lovino rolled his eyes. "How the hell do you get 'passion' out of 'science'?"

"Ah, isn't there passion behind everything worth doing?" Antonio said, his voice as light as air. He appeared to be looking at nothing at all, like he was daydreaming.

Lovino raised an eyebrow, but he couldn't help but be intrigued by Antonio's words. His eternal enthusiasm was interesting to say the least. It was as if he was constantly speaking in poems. He was surprised by the word that almost fell from his lips in response. "Love."

He wanted to slap himself. He felt his ears burn; it was such a ridiculous thing to say. Antonio didn't seem fazed. In fact, his eyes lit up at the word. "Life." He said, smiling still.

The rest of the game passed in a flurry. Antonio hung onto every word Lovino said, not breaking eye contact or stopping to talk to someone else once. Lovino wasn't used to such undivided attention, to have attentive eyes constantly on him and hear someone laughing over something he had said. He wasn't sure what to think. When he caught himself fixating on it for just a moment too long, he realized how ridiculous and utterly childish he was being and shrugged it off. It was Antonio's job to be friendly.

Seconds before he and Feliciano left, he felt Antonio's hand on his shoulder. "It was lovely talking to you, Lovino. I'll see you next week, yes?"

Lovino shrugged his hand off without even bothering to look at him. "Yeah. Whatever." He said.

He walked alone while Feliciano chatted up his new German friend by the door. Antonio's laugh stuck in his mind as Lovino came to a conclusion he had already expected. This was definitely going to be a long, long class.

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_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: The main story takes place in 2004. Thank you.**

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_Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. (John 14:1-2)_

**Italy, 1990**

Lovino could pinpoint the exact day his faith began to fall away from him.

The memory was vague, but at the same time, it was vivid. It was an unseasonably cold day in autumn. Leaves covered the ground in a patchy brown blanket, leaving the trees dead and bare. The grey sky hung heavy above them, threatening rain the never came. The bitter winds bit at Lovino's skin and sent shivers down his spine as they found their way into his thick coat and past his tightly wrapped scarf. His soft, chubby hand gripped Grandpa Roma's as his eyes explored the space around them, brimming with all the curiosity and confusion contained in his three-year-old self.

Roma was holding Feliciano, who was just a newborn at the time. His fragile, new body was wrapped in a blanket and pressed to Roma's chest, blissfully unaware of what was happening in front of them. Lovino himself wasn't entirely sure what was happening. He only had what Roma had told him to go off of- _Mamma_ was with God, and she wasn't coming back. Her body stopped working, and the doctor's couldn't fix it. This confused Lovino. He was too young to understand, to even begin to comprehend what had happened. He wouldn't fully understand for years. Why would Mamma be with God when she's just had Feliciano? She'd never even gotten to hold him, wouldn't she want to come back?

The tears in Roma's eyes suggested that he wasn't entirely sure, either.

All around them were family members; friends and people Lovino hadn't even known existed. He'd never seen so much sadness in one place, so many people crying at once. Somewhere in the front of the crowd, a man holding a book was speaking about God and a place called Heaven. Lovino couldn't hear him well. Cold winds blew; sending dead leaves skittering around his ankles like they were dancing. The winds were too strong, almost so strong that the cries of the people around them couldn't be heard. Almost.

After the man finished speaking and the strange box called a coffin was lowered to the ground, Roma spoke about her too. His shaking words passed in a blur that Lovino couldn't hear over the deafening gusts that shook the trees and the very ground beneath them. Some time later, after a flurry of hugs and apologies from relatives came at Lovino like shots from a gun, Roma took him away from the field filled with the stone fixtures that stuck out from the ground. When he knelt down next to him, Lovino got a good look at his troubled eyes that were usually so strong, so fearless. He would never forget the pain that overtook his face. To this day, Lovino remembered exactly what he had said.

"It's going to be just us now, Lovino. You, me and Feli." He paused, sighing heavily into the cold air. "Mamma is in God's hands now. She's looking over us, always. And she will always be here." Roma pressed his trembling fingers against Lovino's heart.

With his innocence still intact, Lovino could think of only one thing to ask. "If God has her, why won't he give her back?"

Roma didn't say anything.

Something snapped inside Lovino that day.

.

Lovino thought he'd never get out of that church. It took him at least twenty minutes to pry Feliciano away from that German, who he was talking at more than talking with. The whole time, Antonio was looking on in amusement. Breaking away from his line of sight was all he had wanted. His skin burned under Antonio's gentle gaze, his carefree smile and his bubbling laughter. When he finally managed to pull his brother out the doors, Lovino's face was burning bright red in embarrassment.

The cool air on the other side of the door was an instant relief. It felt like years had passed since he saw the outside world. Lovino sighed. Finally. He wouldn't have to go back for another week, and he wouldn't have to see that crazy Spaniard until then. That was a good thing, why did it feel like he'd just lost a best friend?

Feliciano didn't waste any time to start talking again. "Don't you love our group, Lovino? Everyone is so nice, especially Ludwig! He's from Germany and he has a big brother too, isn't that cool? Antonio is so nice, he didn't even make us work, and his game was really fun too!"

Lovino laughed humorlessly. "Don't you think he's kind of strange?"

"Strange? No, I like him, don't you like him? He seemed to really like you!" Feliciano paused and his smile widened. "I think you're his favorite!"

Lovino had never been a favorite before. The little jump in his chest when he considered the notion instantly irritated him. "I'm not his favorite. You're always the favorite."

It didn't take a genius to figure out that Feliciano was always the golden child. He was the one that restored Roma's smile and the little gleam in his eye in the years after the funeral. Watching him grow up, his bright smiles and constant laugher were what gave Grandpa his livelihood back. In those years, Lovino was all questions and nights spent in deep contemplation that no child should have to face. Feliciano was the unscathed, innocent light in what was such a dark time.

"I am not always the favorite!" Feliciano argued. "Besides, Antonio was talking to you that entire time and you're the only one he said something to at the end, well he said goodbye to everyone, but he said he can't wait to see you again!"

Lovino sighed. "That's because I was the only one alone, Feli."

"You're so stubborn, Lovi!" Feliciano's pout vanished in an instant. "I can't wait to tell grandpa!"

Lovino quickly changed the subject. "I don't like that place." He thought back to the sermon that made his blood run cold. "That priest was pretty damn aggressive."

"Was he?" Feliciano's voice dipped. He looked away from his brother and stared at the ground like the cracks in the sidewalk suddenly interested him.

He knew he'd been paying attention after all. "Did what he said upset you?" asked Lovino. Concern rose in his voice, though hope grew in his chest. If Feliciano didn't like the place, maybe Grandpa would reconsider. "If that place is upsetting you, Feliciano…"

Feliciano whipped around to face him again. "No! No, I'm not upset, why would I be upset? Don't be silly!"

He responded too quickly. Lovino's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but he shrugged it off with a sigh. Feliciano was just being Feliciano. Lovino knew Roma wasn't going to change his mind about this, something he held so dear to his heart. Catholicism had been the hope he clung to in the aftermath of his beloved daughter's death. Besides, Feliciano had already made a new friend to latch onto. All hope in avoiding this was lost.

The rest of the walk passed in mostly silence with an occasional comment from Feliciano about some trivial thing. The farther away from the church they got, the more relaxed Lovino became. He had forgotten exactly how uncomfortable churches made him. He couldn't put his finger on _why _he felt that way about them; it had been a slow progression that eventually made him feel like he was being eaten alive by piranhas while simultaneously being burned by hot coals whenever he walked into one.

As much as it horrified and embarrassed him to admit it to even himself, Lovino had forgotten about that discomfort when he had been playing that childish game with Antonio. He had treated him like he was the most important person in the room, unlike other times when he might as well have been a piece of furniture. Thinking about this, he immediately felt childish. Was he really so desperate for attention that he was sent into a girlish tizzy whenever it's given to him? He pushed the nauseating thoughts to the very back of his mind where they belonged.

The second they walked through the door, Feliciano saw Grandpa Roma sitting on the sofa and ran towards him. "Hi, Grandpa!" He said, embracing him in a tight hug like he hadn't seen him in years.

Roma's face lit up the moment he saw him. Lovino was used to seeing that flame erupt in his grandfather when his eyes fell on the little light that was Feliciano. Lovino wished that same fire spread across his face when he saw him. He squinted in attempts to see it though his smiles, any resemblance of it, but he never truly did.

Roma smiled and patted his grandson's shoulder. "Hello, Feli." He said warmly.

Lovino shuffled slowly into the room without a fraction of the enthusiasm his brother had carried. He waved hello halfheartedly. "Hi, Grandpa." He muttered.

"Hello, Lovi! Come on, why don't you sit with us?" He said. Feliciano had sat next to him on the sofa, and Roma was now beckoning for Lovino to join.

Lovino hesitated. After all that activity, he wanted nothing more than the sweet isolation his room provided. He had always been the introverted one in the family, a far cry from Feliciano's relentless chatter and Roma's demanding presence. Then again, they were his family- his only family. Lovino shrugged and sauntered over, taking his place on the other side of Roma. He tucked his small frame into the corner while Feliciano laid his head on their grandfather's shoulder.

"So, little ones, tell me" Roma said, "how was the class? Did you like the church?"

Lovino opened his mouth to speak even though he wasn't sure what he was going to say. He could have protested Roma still using the nickname 'little one' even though he was nearly an adult, or he could have told him how strange this church was. Before he had the opportunity to even make the choice, Feliciano spoke for them. Again.

"It was so much fun, Grandpa! Our mentor Antonio is from Spain, he's really nice and he has a pretty accent, he even made up a game for us to play, we should play it here sometime! Oh, I even made a friend! His name is Ludwig and he's from Germany!" said Feliciano, the eagerness in his voice rising and falling like soap bubbles.

Roma smiled indulgently. "Is that so? Well that's lovely, Feli." Feliciano smiled, satisfied, and Roma turned to Lovino. "How about you, Lovi? Make any friends?" The smallest hint of hope lingered in the spaces between his words, which made Lovino cringe.

He dropped his eyes to the floor. "Uh, well…"

For once, he was glad when Feliciano interrupted him. What he said, however, blew that gratitude right out of the water. "Lovino is Antonio's favorite!"

"Feliciano, no." Lovino said coldly. "For the millionth time, it's his job to be nice. That's all it was."

Roma ignored his complaints. "His favorite? Well, of course he is!" If he was being sarcastic, Lovino couldn't tell. Even so, he could think of a million reasons why he wouldn't be anyone's favorite. The biggest reason was sitting to the other side of his grandfather. "I didn't know you'd be the teachers pet, Lovino!" said Roma.

"Alright, alright!" said Lovino, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. Annoyance bubbled in his chest as he watched Feliciano giggle. "I'm the favorite, the apple of that damn Spaniard's eye, okay?"

Roma laughed, shaking his head in amusement. Finally, he changed the subject. "How is that church? I would have gone with you two, but I had a few phone calls to make."

Lovino felt his chest tighten with a strange, unfamiliar anxiety. He couldn't be sure if this was better or worse than being teased about being 'the favorite.' Regardless, it was his turn to speak. "It was weird, Grandpa." The moment the four simple words passed his lips; he could feel two sets of eyes glued on him. When he continued speaking, he stopped thinking. "The priest tried to act all intimidating, and the congregation just stared at him like robots. He said we're all sinners."

Feliciano and Roma were still staring at him like eerie paintings on a wall, waiting. As if someone had flipped a switch and changed everyone in the room to their very cores, their familiar eyes felt like hot lasers. What were they waiting for? Lovino sighed. "I'm just saying it was different than what I'm used to, okay?" He muttered.

Roma broke out of his stare. His lips parted as if to speak, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Well, the faith does teach that we're all sinners, Lovino. You know that. It is not meant to make you feel bad." His voice was thick was patronization.

Lovino exhaled heavily. As if he hadn't been told that more times than he could count. "Yes, I know. I'm painfully aware." He took a deep breath to stop himself. He didn't want to say something he was going to regret later, all he wanted was to get his point across, to be heard. "This was different. That was what he opened with, that we're all sinners and need to be saved. He warned us not to stray. It sounded like a threat." He looked at Feliciano. "Right, Feli? Don't you remember?"

Feliciano's previously sleepy eyes shot open. He dropped his gaze into his hands. "Oh! Well, yes, I remember there was a sermon! I wasn't really paying attention though, I got distracted." Then he chuckled. It was a trembling, unnatural laugh. Lovino knew his brother. That laugh was akin to Feliciano flat out admitting he was lying.

Lovino lost all control over what he was saying. "Yes you were, Feliciano. You hung onto every word out of that bastard's mouth!"

"That's enough, Lovino!" Roma exclaimed. His calm demeanor had vanished. "Do not say such things about a man of God in my house! Show some respect!"

Lovino relaxed his clenched jaw, desperate to control the all too familiar flood of frustration that coursed through his veins like a storm-battered current. He'd barely been home ten minutes and he'd already managed to upset his grandfather. That had to be a record. He cursed himself, cursed his impulsiveness and fiery temper that set him so far apart from his sweet baby brother. Feliciano never upset Roma. It was like he wasn't capable of it.

Feliciano was always the favorite for a damn good reason.

"Alright, fine." Lovino said flatly with a jerking, dismissive wave of the hand. "Sorry I'm such a lapsed Catholic. Sorry I'm such a damn disappointment."

Feliciano just stared at the scene unfolding in front of him, his eyes wide and unmoving. Roma began to stand. "Lovino, what are you taking about?"

There was nothing more he could say or do. "Nothing. Forget it."

"Lovino!"

Lovino ignored his grandfather's warning tone and did the only thing he could think to do- he got up and went to his room without another word. It was an immature, bratty thing to do and he knew that. But in that moment, he couldn't find the will to care. He was about ready to jump out of the closest window if it meant getting away from the ears that didn't hear him and the eyes that stared through him like he wasn't truly there.

It wasn't until Lovino closed his bedroom door that he was able to breathe again. He knew he should have gone straight there in the first place. He exhaled like he'd been holding his breath, closed his eyes and sank to the floor like he'd been standing for years. If he strained his ears, he could hear Feliciano speaking excitedly about something else entirely like there had never been an argument. Good. Hopefully Feliciano would talk Roma's ear off for hours, enough so they would forget Lovino even existed. Right then, it was what he needed to happen.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

_But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars-their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death." (Revelation 21:8)_

* * *

The week passed in a blur of grey. It was a week full of monotony, boredom and to some extent, loneliness. The days were indistinguishable from each other, each flowing seamlessly into the next without any definition. Lovino went to classes, did schoolwork, and talked to Feliciano and his few friends to fill the time. The conversations felt dry and trivial, none holding anything of real substance. Lovino drifted in and out of concentration while they spoke about classes, girls and other things he couldn't even be bothered to remember.

When Lovino found himself zoning out, he realized his thoughts stubbornly and consistently drifted to only one thing, or should he say, one person: Antonio. His mind was frustratingly fixated on that bizarre man's laugh, his smile, and his philosophical comments that seemed so effortless yet hit so hard. The way he stuck in his head was horrifying. Lovino even caught himself counting down the days until it was Sunday again. It was truly irritating, not to mention overwhelmingly confusing.

After what felt like both an eternity and a single blink of the eye, Lovino was standing in front of the old church again with Feliciano. This time, he didn't feel a need to hesitate. "Come on, Feliciano. Let's get inside." He said in spite of himself. He realized he sounded far too eager. "It's cold out here." It wasn't a lie. It couldn't be above fifty degrees.

Feliciano smiled in a way that suggested he saw right through him. "Okay! Are you excited to see Antonio?"

Lovino's face suddenly felt hot. He shook his head as though he hadn't been wrestling with that question since their first class. "No, of course not. Why would I be?"

"It's okay, Lovi! I'm excited to see Ludwig!" Feliciano said as though he had completely ignored his answer. They set off toward the doors. "Grandpa would be happy to see you're finally making friends!"

Even though it was doubtful Feliciano meant it spitefully as it came out, the words stung. "Finally?" Lovino parroted. "I do have friends, Feliciano."

"You never bring them home!"

Lovino paused. The idea of hanging out never really came up with the guys he sat with at lunch. He was more of an accessory at the table than anything. "I see them at school." He said.

Feliciano stuck out him bottom lip in a pout. "That doesn't count. I want to meet your friends!"

Lovino didn't respond. Instead he pulled Feliciano through the crowds and past the heavy doors into the even more crowded lobby. The familiar uneasiness had set in some time ago, but he was able to ignore it. He unconsciously scanned for Antonio's bright smile among the groups of nameless, faceless churchgoers. Why he was doing so, he wasn't sure. It wasn't as though he would feel anything other than annoyance if he actually did find him.

"Lovino!"

Before he could even register the jumping Spanish accent, he felt a pair of arms embrace him from the side. For a split second he looked down at his sun-kissed skin and noticed the few freckles that decorated them- wait, why the hell was he hugging him? Where had he even come from? He managed to snap back into his senses and ignore the strange downpour of emotions that almost got the better of him.

"Shit!" exclaimed Lovino. He managed to free himself from the uninvited hug. "Do you even know what boundaries _are, _you crazy bastard?"

Antonio laughed warmly. "My apologies! I suppose Americans are less affectionate with each other than the Spanish."

"We're not American, we're Italian." Feliciano said, smiling. "People hug each other all the time in Italy! Lovino is just being a sourpuss. Right, Lovi?"

Lovino felt his ears burn in embarrassment. No matter how affectionate Italians tended to be, he was never a hugger. "No! I just don't like when our damn group leader hugs me out of nowhere! It's creepy as hell!" He said. "How old are you, anyways? Twenty-five? Thirty?"

Antonio laughed again. "Oh no, are you telling me my age is creeping up on me already? I am twenty-one, Lovino. Hardly a day older."

Oh. He had known that Antonio was young, but he had never guessed he was _that _young. Something about Antonio gave off the vibe that he had far more life experience than someone barely out of college. That was only four years older than Lovino. That was the difference between a freshman and a senior. He stopped himself. Why did it matter how old the idiot was?

Lovino took a step back. "Whatever. Just mind my personal space next time."

"I sincerely apologize." The laugh in Antonio's voice and the amusement in his eyes implied that was far from the truth. Lovino glared at him and Antonio quickly changed the subject. "How are you two today?"

Feliciano decided to join the conversation. "I'm doing fine!" He said excitedly. No matter how joyful he sounded; it was clear his attention was elsewhere. "Have you seen Ludwig?"

Antonio pointed behind him. "I believe I saw him by the church entrance not too long ago. If I'm not mistaken, I think he was looking for you."

Feliciano's face lit up. Without another word, he darted off into the crowds in search of his friend. He wasn't gone ten seconds before Lovino became painfully aware that he was alone with Antonio. He stared at him, at his stupid smile; at his eyes that held so much emotion that he realized were staring back at him like no one else was in the room.

Lovino broke away from his gaze and stared at the floor. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Antonio smiled still. "I was just wondering if you felt any differently about being here today."

"No." Lovino said firmly, though it was partially a lie. He didn't want to be in church anymore than he usually did, but the promise of seeing Antonio had filled him with an aggravating nervousness beforehand. That much was different.

Antonio almost frowned. Almost. "That's truly a shame! Tell me, Lovino. Is there anything I can do to make your experience here a better one?"

_Stop being so damn confusing, for one thing! _Lovino pushed the thought aside and scoffed. "You strange, strange man." He said. Just a second later, he continued without thinking. "I just want this to be over, alright? I hate being in this building. I hate the creepy stained glass windows, I hate being told what the believe and I _hate_ that priest that says all those morbid things!" He quickly stopped himself. Why was he telling Antonio all of this? He was a youth group leader. Surely he would be upset, he would get angry, he would-

He was nodding. Why was he nodding? "Sometimes I think those things myself, Lovino." His smile had finally subsided, and his eyes narrowed in contemplation.

Lovino was sure he had misheard. "You're a youth group leader. You work at a church." He stated as if Antonio didn't know.

"That doesn't mean I am immune to doubt." He said. For a moment, he paused. "Maybe we can get each other through this." His voice had grown quiet and distant. It was nearly a whisper, like he was speaking to himself. Lovino froze, shocked by the sudden mood swing. What on earth did he mean by that? Before he could get an answer, Antonio's eyes widened and his head snapped up. His next few sentences were emotionless and robotic. "Enough of that silliness. We should head inside. The sermon will start soon."

For a moment, Lovino didn't move. For so long he'd thought he was alone in his doubts and fears. His entire family followed the church without question. Not only that, they seemed to find great comfort in its teachings. In Italy, skipping a Sunday service was unheard of. Families bonded over scripture and a baptism was as big of a deal as a wedding. Lovino always felt a sort of disconnect from it all, but he kept it hidden. No one around him felt that way; at least he thought they didn't. Now he was being told his damn group leader felt the same way? His head was spinning.

Lovino didn't have much time to revel in his confusion. He had no choice but to follow Antonio into the church, since Feliciano and his new friend were nowhere to be found and there was no way in hell he was sitting alone. He kept his head down and walked quickly to avoid looking at the accusing eyes of the saints from the windows above them. Lovino sat down at a random pew and Antonio quickly took the seat next to him. Their eyes met and Antonio offered a slight, apologetic smile. Lovino sighed in exasperation. For once, he was glad when the sermon started.

"God is good!" It was that same priest who spoke- Lovino never did catch what his name was. Somehow, that didn't upset him. While the entirety of the congregation parroted back the response, Antonio and Lovino remained silent.

The priest rambled off a few greetings that Lovino didn't really hear. In fact, he made a conscious effort to zone out. He wrote grocery lists in his head, counted the grooves in the wood on the arm of the pew, tried to recall his locker combination from the seventh grade- anything that would distract him from the accusing voice of this man. He caught himself stealing a glace at Antonio. His cheerful expression was back, but if Lovino looked closely he could see there were a thousand unsaid things behind it.

He shrugged it off. Maybe he was imagining it. He continued his routine of filling his thoughts with as much distracting nonsense as he could until the priest said something he just couldn't ignore. "There is one evil in our society that children younger and younger are being taught to accept. This evil, of course, is homosexuality."

Lovino's head snapped up at the man's tone. It had been intimidating before, but now it was downright venomous. He had no idea of the context behind that statement, but it shocked him to the core nonetheless. His blood ran cold during the long, pregnant pause in which no one spoke. He looked to Antonio with a wild look in his eyes. Not daring enough to break the silence, he mouthed the words _"what the hell?" _

Antonio's lips parted but he said nothing. Not a second later, the priest continued speaking. "More and more people are succumbing to Satan's lies. Satan is telling this generation that being gay is acceptable, even that it is somehow natural! This thinking warps the mind and tortures the soul." He said, waving his hands spastically as though he was conducting a twisted orchestra.

Lovino's eyes flickered around the nearly full church. Everyone sat still, their facial expressions unmoving as if this were the most normal sermon in the world. Beginning to feel more than a bit uneasy, he scanned the room for Feliciano. It didn't take long to spot him just a few pews away with Ludwig. His eyes were dark and his hands were clasped tightly together. After watching him for just a few seconds, Lovino saw him turn to Ludwig and whisper something to him with a panicked look in his eyes. Ludwig only shook his head. Lovino grimaced. Feliciano wouldn't be able to tell him he wasn't listening this time.

Lovino tore his eyes from his brother and returned his gaze to the man behind the altar. Never had he seen a self-proclaimed 'man of God' spew such hateful things. Lovino finally gathered courage to speak, albeit as quickly and quietly as he could manage. "Antonio, what in the hell is he talking about?" He hissed.

Antonio stared back at him, his eyes filled with apologies and confusion. "I don't know, Lovi, I-," he stammered before the priest launched back into his ranting.

"Homosexual activity is condemned by the Lord our God!" His voice boomed throughout the room like thunder. The room was completely silent, why was he shouting?

Lovino stiffened, suddenly feeling threatened. He thought churches made him uncomfortable before, but this was an entirely different level of discomfort. Then he realized that this wasn't discomfort, it was fear. What he was afraid would happen, he wasn't completely sure. Even so, the panic shot through his bloodstream like an injection. He tried his very best to zone out again, to fade into his own little world.

"The homosexual agenda is reaching our youth at an alarming rate-"

Lovino tried to name a fruit for every letter of the alphabet. _Apple, banana, carrot- shit. A carrot is a vegetable. Whatever. God, what else is there? Dragon fruit…_

"…Their perversion threatens the sanctity of traditional, correct man and woman relationships and marriages…"

Never mind the damn fruits. Lovino decided this was a better time than ever to practice his multiplication tables. _One times one is one, two times two is four, three times three is nine, four times four is sixteen…_

Somehow, the priest's voice forced its way into Lovino's ears, destroying his train of thought. "…The punishment for these acts is an eternity in hell! Joining them will be the adulterers, the unbelievers, the liars, the thieves, the murderers, the selfish, the fornicators- anyone who rebels against God!"

Lovino bit the inside of his cheek, having given up on trying to distract himself and wondered how there was anyone in heaven by this logic. He had always been told that God was a loving and forgiving being- going off of what this man was saying; he was exactly the opposite. In spite of himself, Lovino began to try and grasp the concept of eternity. More specifically, he tried to imagine an eternity that held nothing but suffering. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't imagine something that simply _didn't end, _especially something so awful. After just a moment of allowing his thoughts to go to such places, he felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead. He felt his head starting to spin, terror gripping his chest and pulling at him like he was a puppet on a string.

"…The sinful will be met with a lake of fire and burning winds! The days will be without rest, filled with weeping, gnashing of teeth…"

Lovino had to get out of there. He was sure he was going to combust if he sat in that pew any longer, that his own racing thoughts were going to swallow him alive. He stood up in a spontaneous, quick movement. "Bye." He muttered to Antonio.

"Lovino-"

Lovino barely heard him. Trying not to call too much attention to himself, he rushed out of the church in quick, purposeful steps. His breathing grew more labored in anger and uncomfortable fear. He was strangely grateful for it, since the sound of his own breathing successfully drowned out the sermon that continued on behind him. He realized his heart was beating in his ears. Even better. He fought the overwhelming urge to scream, to run, to break everything in that church and burn all of its bibles.

It felt like it took a year to reach the lobby, but he felt the grip on his lungs loosen when he finally did. He ducked into an adjacent hallway, leaned against the wall and took a series of long, deep breaths. He hoped that Feliciano didn't see him leave. If he did, Lovino would never hear the end of it from Grandpa. Knowing Feliciano, there was no doubt that he would tell him. He closed his eyes and counted to three, demanding that his heartbeat slow down.

Not a minute passed before he heard footsteps approaching him. Lovino opened his eyes and his heart about stopped when he realized that the figure approaching him was none other than Antonio. He groaned. He needed to be alone; and that man and his eccentricities was the absolute last thing he needed. Only this time, Antonio wasn't smiling. His eyes held no fire; only concern. Lovino had yet to see this side of him.

"Lovino?" He said. Then he was beside him, hands shoved in his pockets with that damned worried look in his eyes. "Lovi, are you alright?" He took a hand out of his pocket and placed it on Lovino's shoulder.

He wondered why Antonio kept calling him 'Lovi.' His grandfather called him Lovi. His baby brother called him Lovi. The name felt much too personal, but at the same time his face grew hot whenever he heard his nickname spoken in Antonio's jumping Spanish accent. He quickly realized could feel the heat from his hand all the way through his jacket and shirt, as if his skin had absorbed all the heat from Spain.

Lovino shrugged his hand off, confused by the sensation. "No! No, of course I'm not alright!" He said. "How in the hell do you expect me to be alright after that?"

Antonio sighed and finally looked away. "I don't." He said. "No, I cannot say that I expect that…" He trailed off, and the hallway they were in fell cold.

Lovino stared at him, his eyes narrowed and his breathing still erratic. "Why are you here? God, why can't you just leave me alone?" He asked in exasperation.

"I could say it is because you're my responsibility." Antonio stopped and shook his head. "But the truth is, I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know how this feels. That, and I was not enjoying that sermon any more than you were."

Lovino uncurled his fists, not having realized he had his hands that way. There Antonio went again, talking about his supposed doubts or fears or whatever else he had about this church. "What are you talking about?" He asked through clenched teeth.

Antonio paused. "Why don't we step outside? I'm not sure who works in these offices, and the walls are thin." He pointed to the doors that lined that hallway.

Lovino huffed and looked at him. "Can we do that? You have other students. They're going to come looking for you."

"The sermon is not over yet. We can leave for a minute, if you would like. The fresh air may do you good."

Lovino wanted nothing more than to get out of that building. The realization hit him like a brick- he didn't particularly want to be alone when he did so, either. He actually wanted to talk with Antonio about all that had happened. He could have kicked himself. How absurd to actually want this man's company, to want to hear him explain whatever story he had to tell and even tell parts of his own.

Lovino sighed. If anything, he needed to vent. Feliciano likely wouldn't want to talk about that outlandish sermon, and his grandfather would probably have his head if he even hinted that he disagreed with the church. A million doubts rushed through his brain, but he ignored them. He was going to vent. An ear that actually heard him was all he wanted from Antonio.

"Fine." He said. He turned towards the nearest exit and began walking towards it, Antonio not far behind.

When he threw the heavy doors open and was smacked in the face by the crisp autumn air, Lovino felt nothing but pure liberation and ecstasy. He breathed in the fresh air like he had never been outside before, intent on filling his lungs to their maximum capacity. He felt his head clearing, but the priest's roaring voice was still rattling around in his ears like tinnitus.

Lovino leaned against the brick wall, leaving a decent amount of space between himself and Antonio. "What was that about?" He asked. "Jesus, he was yelling at us like we all pissed in his coffee or something!"

Antonio nodded. "Our new priest…he is a loud one." He said. "Since his arrival, things have gotten much more intense around here."

"You can say that again." Lovino grumbled. He suddenly remembered something. "God, I left Feliciano in there. He looked like he'd seen a ghost or something. I think that was too much for him. He's so damn fragile." He began to wonder if he should run back in the church, pull his brother out by his collar and never return.

"I am sure Feliciano will be fine. He was with Ludwig." Antonio stared off into the distance. "I'm friends with his brother, you know. Gilbert."

"I know. You told us." Lovino looked at his feet. They were obviously ignoring the elephant in the room: the comments that sent them out here in the first place. He cleared his throat and went for it. "Do you really believe all of that shit?"

Antonio appeared puzzled. "I'm not sure I know what you're referring to."

"What he was saying. About gay people being evil or some shit, and how they're all going to hell." Lovino said. The unpleasant memory was burned into his brain.

"Oh." Antonio dropped his gaze to his feet and shook his head. "No, Lovino. I do not believe any of that. I could go much further into this topic, but I feel it would be vastly inappropriate." He paused and glanced quickly at Lovino. "Do you believe those things?"

Lovino shook his head. "Hell no. That's ridiculous. You know, a gay couple lives a few houses away from us. Their names are Yao and Ivan. They're a bit of an odd couple, I guess, and Ivan is a little bit weird, but they sure as shit aren't _evil. _They're just ordinary people. I seriously doubt they have any kind of agenda."

"I see." Antonio pursed his lips and started to pick at his thumbnail. "Why do you think they're an odd couple? Is it because they're the same sex?"

Lovino shook his head. "No. It's because Ivan looks like he can rip you in half and Yao is pretty small and soft-spoken. They get along pretty well, though. I've met them a few times."

Antonio finally smiled again. He looked relieved. "I suppose you cannot help who you love."

_The best things in life are often ridiculous. _Lovino pushed Antonio's intrusive words from his head as soon as he noticed they were there. "I guess so." He said. He looked at Antonio for no reason in particular, and he couldn't help but notice the way his dark hair caught the late afternoon light. His eyes were just about the greenest thing Lovino had ever seen. Once he caught himself, he looked away, feeling slightly confused.

"Lovino, what he said…did it frighten you?" asked Antonio, breaking Lovino out of his embarrassment. There was trepidation in his voice like he wasn't sure he should be asking.

Lovino scoffed despite how relevant his words felt. "Frighten me? What do you mean?"

"The concept of hell can be terrifying for many people." Antonio explained and quickly added, "I should know."

Lovino raised an eyebrow. At the same time, he couldn't deny that it was true. He wasn't sure if he would trust someone that wasn't scared of something like hell. An eternity of unimaginable suffering- Lovino was sure there was nothing worse in existence. If it actually _did_ exist, that is. He could feel himself overthinking things again. He quickly stopped himself. "Well, I guess it does freak me out, just a little." He mumbled.

Antonio nodded. "That is nothing to be ashamed of."

Lovino felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment regardless. This was something that he never told anyone, and now he was telling someone who might as well be a complete stranger. An annoying, confusing, spirited stranger whom for some reason took an interest in him. Why he would be interested in or worried about the person who was frequently dubbed 'the grumpy version of Feliciano,' Lovino didn't understand. In one moment of absolute madness he wanted to tell him everything, every late night spent in fear, every existential crisis, and every doubt he ever had about God that he was sure no one else would listen to or understand. Lovino froze in horrified shock at the bizarre urge. No! What on earth was he thinking?

Before Lovino had a chance to lose control and actually tell him Antonio one more personal thing about himself, the space behind the doors suddenly filled with the music signaling the end of the sermon.

"I suppose I should locate the rest of our group. Lovino, why don't you head to the room?" said Antonio. Without another word, he was back inside the church.

That was another thing about Antonio. He could go from having a delicate conversation with someone to speaking as though they were conducting a business deal in just a few sentences. Lovino shrugged it off and entered the church after making sure to wait awhile after Antonio went inside. He certainly didn't want it to look like he had anything to do with him, after all.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	4. Chapter 4

_The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. (Ecclesiastes 12:13)_

* * *

Lovino fought his way through the crowds and reluctantly made his way to the room by the stairs. Bits and pieces of his short conversation with Antonio bounced around in his mind like pinballs the entire time. Really, he couldn't remember the last time someone had given him his undivided attention- no, wait, he did. It was last Sunday, and that person was Antonio. Lovino groaned. He supposed taking to the bastard was better than sitting through the rest of that sermon. Maybe.

Only about two minutes passed between the time Lovino arrived at the room and the time the rest of their group began to flood into it. The two to enter first were Alfred and Mathew, followed rather promptly by Feliciano and Ludwig and finally Antonio. Everyone took the same seats they did the previous Sunday, Feliciano talking Ludwig's ear off the entire way to their seats. Lovino swore that Antonio pulled his chair just slightly closer to the couch he was sitting on in one tiny, subtle movement before he sat down.

"Oh, there you are! I think I lost you back there!" Feliciano said the moment he saw him. "Hey, Lovi? Before that sermon was over…did you leave?" He asked, his voice as innocent as a voice could get.

Shit. So he had noticed. "I went to the restroom." Lovino lied.

Feliciano narrowed his eyes in confusion. "But, you didn't come back the entire time-"

Lovino shot him a warning glace. Surprisingly enough, Feliciano actually did stop talking and instead dropped his gaze to the floor. Taken aback, Lovino did his best to study his brother's face. He appeared to be visibly shaken and almost exhausted, presumably from what he had just been forced to listen to. Lovino felt a twinge of sympathy for Feliciano. The kid was so innocent; he shouldn't have to have images of fire and brimstone burned into his mind. No one should, really.

Lovino stopped looking at him when he heard another voice. "Feliciano, how about you finish telling me about that dream you had last night?" He realized the voice belonged to Ludwig.

Feliciano's frown snapped into an eager smile. He turned away from his brother and launched into an incredibly detailed description of a dream he'd apparently had- something about a cat and a rocket ship- without a trace of trepidation in his voice or in his eyes. Ludwig nodded in understanding, not breaking eye contact with Feliciano once no matter how long his little story dragged on for. Lovino felt a pang of what was almost jealousy. Feliciano hadn't mentioned a thing about this dream to him.

"Alright, everyone!" Antonio's words broke Lovino out of his thoughts and finally stopped Feliciano's chatter. "I suppose we should start now. It looks like the topic for today is…uh…" He paused to look inside the folder he was holding. When he did, his bright smile was replaced with a frown. "Apparently, they want us to have a discussion about the _homosexual agenda_." He said the phrase with just a trace of sarcasm.

The room fell completely silent. Lovino scanned the room and took in everyone's reactions. Alfred was scowling. Mathew kept a poker face, but his posture was so rigid it looked terribly uncomfortable. Ludwig's eyes had darkened and his brow furrowed slightly, but he showed very little emotion otherwise. However, something about him told Lovino that wasn't exclusive to the situation. Finally, he looked at Feliciano. His lips were parted slightly and he had wound his hands together again, so tightly his knuckles were turning white. The tension was so thick it was nearly visible.

Antonio's voice shattered the silence into a million pieces. "You know what? I don't think I want to talk about that. No, actually, I'm _positive_ I do not want to talk about that." Antonio was nearly yelling by the time he finished. His calm, carefree demeanor was completely gone. He sighed heavily and shook his head, composing himself. "I have a better idea. How about we just talk? You may talk about anything. But please, I am begging you, nothing about any _agendas._" Antonio spat the word. "In fact, the word _agenda _is officially banned in this class."

For almost an entire minute, no one said a thing. Lovino was quite sure that no one was breathing, either. He had never expected Antonio to be this upset; he had begun to think that he wasn't capable of being upset. His usually warm green eyes were narrowed in a fiery glare and his arms were crossed tightly over his chest. After the minute of tension filled silence was over, Antonio's eyes softened as though nothing had happened.

He smiled gently and uncrossed his arms. "I do apologize. I'm very tired, that's all." His eyes flickered and his smile faltered for a split second. He suddenly changed the subject. "How are all of you this evening?" He spoke as though he had never been angry.

Lovino was sure that he already knew the answer. After a moment there was a mumbling of half-hearted, most likely dishonest responses from the group members. Feliciano, as expected, was the first one to say something that held any weight.

"Antonio, do you really go to hell if you're gay?"

Antonio's face contorted in shock and discomfort. His wavering grin fell from his face yet again. Lovino kicked Feliciano's foot. "What the hell kind of question is that?" His words came out in the whisper, but he sounded as if he should be shouting. That sermon was over and done with. He wanted to trick himself into thinking it never happened, that it was all a nightmare.

"Ow! Lovino, why did you do that, it was just a question, the priest kept talking about and I want to know!" Feliciano said just a little too loudly. His voice grew softer. "It seems a little silly to me."

Lovino glared at him. "That doesn't mean you have to go and ask-"

"It's quite alright, Lovi. He's only going off on what he was told." Antonio said, interrupting him and possibly preventing a falling-out. His gentle smile was back, yet it didn't carry to his eyes.

Lovino felt his ears grow hot upon hearing him use that nickname in front of everyone. He could only pray that no one noticed… how ironic. "Might as well answer him, then." He muttered.

Antonio pursed his lips into a tight white line before answering. "I personally do not think so, Feliciano." His voice dipped when he continued. "However, in the end it is entirely up to God."

Alfred spoke for the first time since he entered the room, even though he looked like he was dying to say something for quite some time. His hands were tightened into fists and balled up atop his knees. "Well, I think that's bullshit!" He looked and sounded as if he was about to explode.

Mathew looked at him with wild eyes. "Language, Alfred! We're in a church!"

"Do you think I care? If that guy can stand up there and tell people they're going to burn forever, I can say whatever I want!" He shouted back at him.

It was Ludwig who spoke next. "I do have to agree it was a rather aggressive approach."

Antonio's eyes flicked back and forth between his group members with a helpless and bewildered expression. "If everyone would just relax-"

Alfred suddenly leapt to his feet, his cheeks flushed an angry scarlet. "You know what? Screw this! I'm leaving!"

Mathew grabbed the hem of his shirt. "Alfred, please-"

He only twisted away from Mathew's grip, stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind him. Mathew sat there for a moment, staring at the door with his mouth hanging open in disbelief and a blush appearing on his face. Then he got up, muttered a nearly inaudible apology to Antonio and exited the room; presumably to make sure Alfred didn't kill anyone.

Antonio stared at the door for a long moment after Mathew shut it. His face was vacant of any emotion for about thirty seconds. After a moment, he broke out of his stupor, mumbled something in incoherent Spanish and rested his face in his hands with a heavy sigh of defeat. "I'm sorry, guys." He said. "Causing anger really is not my intention."

Feliciano hung his head until his chin nearly touched his chest. "I'm sorry I asked." He spoke in a voice that no one could be mad at for long. "I didn't mean to make Alfred angry. I was really just wondering, since the priest at my other church never says things like that."

Lovino felt a sudden lightness. At least his head wasn't being filled with those kinds of things from more than one source. Then Ludwig gently touched Feliciano's shoulder, causing him to turn and face him. "It was not your fault, Feli."

What, so they were on a nickname basis now? Whatever. It wasn't like he cared. Let his brother fill someone else's head with meaningless chatter. That was fine by him; so he couldn't for the life of him figure out what this sinking feeling in his chest was. After a failed attempt to rid himself of it, he ignored it.

He was given a much-needed distraction when Antonio clapped his hands together. "I think that's quite enough for today, yes?" Lovino looked at him as he spoke and the sinking feeling instantly intensified. There were tears in his usually cheerful green eyes. Antonio looked as if to be clinging desperately to carefree demeanor. The sight was so strange that Lovino was sure he was imagining it; but the longer he looked at Antonio, the harder it became to ignore the wateriness. Lovino refused to acknowledge the slight sympathetic ache in his stomach. Could his cheerfulness be a façade? Surely not…

"I'll try my hardest to make next week a better experience." Antonio continued. His voice caught ever so slightly in the middle of his sentence. "You are all free to go. Have a pleasant week."

"Thank you, Antonio!" said Feliciano. He smiled as if he didn't even notice his mood or he'd forgotten the blowout. "See you in a week!" He grabbed Ludwig by the sleeve and walked out, not skipping a beat before he started talking to him again. Lovino slowly stood and started to follow them.

"Lovino, can you wait a moment?"

The sound of Antonio's hushed voice stopped him dead in his tracks. Even though he had only met him recently, he wasn't used to hearing him that quiet. Lovino separated himself from the whooshing feeling in his chest and rolled his eyes. "What for?"

"I just want to talk to you." Antonio's voice held no evidence of ulterior motives.

Lovino sighed in resignation, leaned out the door and called out to his brother. "Give me a minute, Feliciano. Do not leave without me."

Feliciano was still with Ludwig. His steady stream of rambling sentences gave no suggestion that he was going to leave him be anytime soon, and he paused for only a brief moment to answer. "Okay, Lovi!"

Lovino pivoted on his foot and leaned against the inside wall. "So what do you want?"

"I want to apologize. I said I would try and make this a positive experience for you, and I seem to have failed." Antonio looked at his feet and frowned sheepishly, and he suddenly looked much younger than he was. Lovino became painfully aware of how close in age they really were. Antonio didn't really feel like a teacher, he felt like an acquaintance. Lovino denied the word 'friend' the right to enter his mind.

The whole situation began to feel uncomfortable. Antonio was supposedly the authority figure here, why was he apologizing to him? "You're a little self important, aren't you?" He said finally.

Antonio's head snapped up. He looked confused. "I beg your pardon?"

"Why are you apologizing? It isn't your fault that guy said all of those things. You act as if have control over everything that happens, or something." Lovino didn't know why he was still talking. It wasn't like he wanted to comfort him.

"I suppose you're right, Lovino. Thank you." When his smile returned, Lovino felt his breath catch in his throat in spite of himself. "You seem to be wise beyond your years."

This was the first time he'd heard anything like that said about him. Usually, his grandfather accused him of being immature. "What do you mean?" He said, trying desperately to stop the blush threatening to appear on his cheeks.

Antonio shrugged. "You have a certain wisdom about you."

That was definitely something he had never heard before. Surely, he was only trying to embarrass him. Just like everyone else. Lovino rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Sure. Whatever, bastard."

Antonio chuckled in amusement. "Well, I suppose I should let you get back to your brother."

Lovino told himself he was grateful to be leaving. Why was his stomach still sinking? "Yeah." He mumbled. He started to turn towards the door when he was interrupted yet again.

"Lovino?"

He exhaled sharply in annoyance. "What is it now?"

Antonio smiled gently. "I know you told me to mind my boundaries, but would it be alright if I hugged you?"

The blush Lovino had been fighting won out as his heart frustratingly skipped a beat. Certainly he had heard him wrong. "What?" He managed to say, taking a step back for good measure.

Antonio threw his hands up as if to claim innocence. "Say no if you wish. The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable."

Lovino grit his teeth as his heartbeat refused to slow down. He didn't care, dammit! Why did his body not seem to understand that? Hugging Antonio would be exactly like when some distant relative hugged him at a family reunion. It would be nothing more, so why was his skin warm? More importantly, why was he not leaving? Why was he not saying no?

He didn't realize what he was saying until he was finished. "Do what you want. I don't care." It took all he had to keep his voice from wavering.

Antonio smiled, nodded, and took a few steps closer to him. Lovino bit down on his lip to suppress an uninvited gasp as he felt his warm arms embrace him. He immediately angered himself when he noticed the way he smelled like freshly cut grass and fallen leaves. "I had a lovely time speaking with you today, Lovino. Have a nice week." His words fell softly against Lovino's ears and he felt his face grow even warmer.

Lovino just stood there for a moment; his arms tense and straight by his sides as he tried to keep his breathing steady. Antonio tightened his grip for a split second, dropped his arms and then it was over. Lovino wondered why he suddenly felt so much colder.

"Yeah. Whatever. I'm going to leave now." He said through the strange twist of emotions running through his blood. He looked at the floor to hide his flushed face.

Antonio smiled at him again. "Take care, Lovi."

Lovino nearly ran out of the room, pretending he didn't hear Antonio's quiet chuckling behind him. It took him mere seconds to reach the lobby, where Feliciano was still talking to that strange emotionless German. Well, it was more like he was talking at him. Lovino puffed his cheeks out in annoyance.

"For God's sakes, Feliciano. Let the poor kid go." He said.

Ludwig came the closest he did to smiling since Lovino first saw him. "I do not mind. I have nowhere important to be."

Lovino nodded though he couldn't understand his patience. "Right. Well, we have to go now. Say goodbye to your friend, Feliciano."

Feliciano stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. "Aw, you're no fun. Fine." He said. He swung around to face Ludwig again and threw his arms around him. "Bye, Ludwig! I gave you my number so you can call me now, so make sure to call, okay? We can hang out and everything!" He said it all in one breath.

Ludwig hugged him back with far more hesitance. "Alright. See you later." He let go after a brief moment and started to walk away, waving goodbye as he went.

As Feliciano waved goodbye in an excited frenzy, Lovino watched in perplexity. It was funny how Feliciano could just go around hugging people without thinking about while the extremely awkward hug with Antonio felt like a huge event. He thought about it for a second too long and started to feel silly. How childish to get so flustered over a little hug. He shook his head as if to clear it, silently demanding that his mind stop fixating on it.

"Lovi?"

Lovino snapped out of his daze. "What is it, Feliciano?"

He tilted his head to the side. "What were you doing back there?"

So much for forgetting about what happened. "Antonio wanted to talk to me."

Feliciano's smile instantly widened. "Oh yeah! I forgot you're the favorite!" He said. "Do you believe me now?"

"I am not his favorite, Feliciano! God, why are you so hung up on that?" said Lovino. He could feel his face getting warm again. Perfect.

Feliciano's smile finally dissipated. "Why do you always get so upset when I say that? Do you not want to be his favorite?" He paused. "Do you not like Antonio?"

If only he understood what a loaded question that was. Lovino opened his mouth, fully prepared to say he absolutely didn't like Antonio, that he was annoying, that he wished he would leave him alone already, but he felt the words get stuck in his throat and refuse to come out. The realization hit him like a falling brick- he wasn't sure. He had never met someone that treated him like his own person, like he was important and not 'just there,' which many people had told him in the past. He had waited for something like this all his life, but he wasn't sure how to handle it now that it was seemingly right in front of his face. What on earth was he supposed to say? _'Fine, I admit it; I want to be the favorite because I've never gotten to be anyone's favorite'?_

Lovino started to walk towards the door. "We need to get home, Feliciano."

Feliciano, seemingly caught off guard, ran back to his side. "Hey! You didn't answer my question! Oh no, Lovi, are you mad at me? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you angry, oh gosh, I made Alfred angry too, I'm so sorry!"

Lovino sighed and shook his head. This wasn't worth fighting over. His eyes softened and he slowed his pace. "No, Feli. I'm not mad at you and neither is Alfred. Alfred was mad at that priest." Lovino was hit with the priest's words as soon as he mentioned him. _The sinful will be met with a lake of fire and burning winds! _He bit his lip and tried to concentrate on the birds singing now that they were outside.

"Oh…ok…" Feliciano said. There was a long, slightly uncomfortable pause. "Lovi…do you think I'm going to hell?"

Shock shot through Lovino's heart like a poison-dipped arrow. He stopped dead in his tracks, right in the middle of the sidewalk. Hearing that question on Feliciano's lips, his voice quiet and quivering, it was nothing short of heart stopping. "No. Feli, no." He shook his head, half as an answer and half out of confusion. "Where did that come from?" Lovino already knew the answer, but he asked anyway.

"Well, I mean, I've lied to grandpa a few times, like last week I said I cleaned my room but I really didn't, and sometimes I get mad and talk back to him, and I stole a piece of candy from the store once when I was seven-"

Lovino waved his hands in front of himself to stop him. "Wait. Wait a minute." He said. He pinched the bridge of his nose. Lovino simply couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Do you think any of that merits a fucking _eternity _of punishment?"

Feliciano bit down on his lip, worry coursing through his eyes. "That's another thing. I think you should stop swearing, Lovino. Father O'Brian said swearing is a sin."

Lovino ignored the first part of his response. "Who in the hell is Father O'Brian?"

Feliciano cringed at his cursing but quickly regained his composure. "Weren't you listening?" He asked in disbelief. "He's the priest that's been giving the sermons since we started going there."

So he did have a name. Lovino grimaced. He already knew he would grow to hate that name- no, he was sure he already did. "Feliciano, listen to me." He gripped his brother's shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. "You have done nothing wrong. You are not going to hell. Do you understand?"

Lovino could barely finish those three sentences through the growing anger that rushed beneath his skin. How dare that man scare his baby brother like that? At the same time, it was painful to hear the same doubts he had for years vocalized in a way he never had the courage to. The memories he had of late nights spent in jittery uncertainty were far too vivid for his liking.

"But Lovi, I-"

He shook his head. "I promise, Feliciano." He said firmly.

Feliciano opened his mouth but quickly shut it. He nodded slowly even though he looked far from convinced. "Okay." He said in a small voice. He glanced down the sidewalk. "I think we should just go home."

Lovino nodded and started walking again. He stole an occasional glance at Feliciano as they retreated back home in silence. His honey-colored eyes were deep in contemplation and looked just the slightest bit too damp. Faint traces of anger continued to run through Lovino's blood, but he quickly realized he felt another emotion along with it, an emotion that he managed to suppress in the time he stopped coming to church.

Fear.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	5. Chapter 5

_The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 118:6)_

* * *

Lovino couldn't sleep. He should have been able to sleep, he was absolutely exhausted, but his eyes refused to close and his mind refused to stop racing. It seemed that his brain wasn't focused on any one thing alone. His thoughts bounced around from the church service, the youth group meeting that erupted into chaos and fell apart in an instant, Feliciano's heartbreaking question and finally what was probably the most aggravatingly prominent- Antonio.

No matter how hard he tried, Lovino couldn't stop thinking about the way Antonio spoke to him, the way he chased him out of the church out of worry alone, his sparking eyes and bouncing accent and finally, the way he held him. Lovino flipped onto his stomach, buried his face in the pillow and screamed. He was so unbelievably sick of letting this guy get to him. He shouldn't have let the idiot hug him. What kind of group leader went around hugging their students, anyway? Were they even considered students?

He closed his eyes as tightly as he could and shot them open with force, the same way he did in his dreams when he wanted to wake up. There were more important things to focus on than Antonio, _much _more important things. His mind wandered back to Feliciano. After they had gotten back to the house, Feliciano was nearly silent for the rest of the evening. That alone spoke volumes. When their grandfather asked how the class had gone, he simply told him it was fine. Lovino only nodded in agreement, not wanting to upset him again.

Feliciano wasn't just quiet that evening, he was also skittish. When Lovino simply touched his shoulder when he was reading- the bible, an object that was making more appearances since their first time at the church- to tell him dinner was ready, he had jumped and let out a small yelp. Lovino tried his very hardest to brush it off as Feliciano being Feliciano, but the small incident somehow stuck with him.

Thinking of Feliciano certainly didn't help him sleep. Thoughts of his brother only sent him down another spiral of bothersome worries. He began to wonder if he was sleeping any better. He hoped so; they had school the next day. Lovino checked the clock- it was twelve thirty. In that case, it was already the next day. He groaned.

Before he knew what he was doing, Lovino was padding through the hallway to Feliciano's room. He was only being a good brother. All he would do was poke his head in and make sure he was asleep. When he reached the end of the hallway, he noticed that the light was still on. With his eyes narrowed in confusion, he knocked quickly and quietly as to not wake his grandfather.

Feliciano appeared at the doorway in seconds. He opened the door slowly and peaked out through the crack. "Lovi? What are you doing here, it's late-"

"And you're still up." He said. "What's going on, Feliciano? You're usually out by nine."

Feliciano shrugged. "I couldn't sleep." He paused and wrapped his hand around the edge of the door. "Why are you still up? Is everything okay? Do you need something? I hope you didn't have a nightmare."

Lovino wasn't exactly sure what prompted him to come to his brother's room. "Uh, no. I was just checking on you."

Feliciano looked incredulous. "But you never check on me, unless you do it when I'm sleeping. Do you watch me when I'm sleeping, Lovi? I'm not sure I like that."

Lovino blinked. "No, why in the hell would I do that?" He shook his head and sighed. "Actually, I have no idea why I'm here. I guess I'll leave now."

He started to turn around when he felt his shirt being tugged on. "Wait, Lovino?" said Feliciano.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you didn't have a nightmare?" His eyes darkened and he dropped his gaze. "Because I did, there was a lot of fire and yelling. It was scary."

There was no way that was coincidental. Lovino shifted his weight to one foot and folded his arms. "What he said really got to you, didn't it?"

Feliciano's eyes flickered around as if he were searching for something. He evidently understood what he was referring to. Some time passed before he said anything. "Not really." He said without looking at him.

Another lie. Lovino sighed. This behavior was too strange. "Feli," He almost began questioning him about it, but then he actually looked at him. There were dark circles under his eyes that just didn't belong and the hand that clutched his shirt was trembling. He felt his questions die on his lips. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked.

Feliciano finally looked up at him with shock in his eyes. "Really?"

Lovino nodded. He hadn't shared a bed with his little brother in years, but when he looked at him all he could see was the same scared little boy that ran into his room after a nightmare when they were still in elementary school. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't tell anyone."

Feliciano nodded and ushered him inside. Lovino didn't dare admit he wanted the company just as much.

.

After school on Monday, Lovino decided to go to the local café for a cup of coffee. He went to the café on occasion when he wanted to get away from his family or just get out of the house. This day in particular, he wanted to avoid seeing Feliciano's troubled eyes and jittery nervousness that was so painfully out of character. On top of that, he needed a caffeine fix. He'd barely managed four hours of sleep the previous night.

The sound of a little bell fixed on top of the door signaled his entrance. The café was mostly empty, with only a few people typing away on laptops tucked into the corner seats. Lovino walked towards the counter where the barista was fooling around with his phone. He had long blonde hair swept back into a ponytail and looked to be in his early twenties. When he saw Lovino approaching, he tucked his phone into his apron pocket and smiled.

_"__Bounjor!" _His French accent shattered the silence that was otherwise filled with barely audible classical music. "What can I do for you, _mon cher?_"

Lovino was in no mood. "Just coffee." He said, tossing a few crumpled bills on the counter. "Whatever you just called me; don't call me it again."

The man chuckled like he was amused. "Feisty one, aren't we?" As he filed the bills into the cash register, he gave Lovino's face a once over and smirked.

Lovino narrowed his eyes. "What are you looking at?"

The man furrowed his brow and pursed his lips. "I feel like I recognize you. Hm…" He trailed off and shrugged.

Lovino glanced at his nametag- it read 'Francis.' He didn't know a Francis. "Well, I don't recognize you."

Francis ignored the comment. "Can I have a name for your order?"

"Lovino." The minute he said it, he wondered why he needed a name if there was barely anyone else in the place.

Francis's eyebrows shot upwards. He looked as though he was about to say something but decided not to bother. Instead, he walked into the kitchen to fix his drink without another word. When he finished and handed Lovino the Styrofoam cup, he held onto it for just a second too long and shook his head. He mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'I will never understand him.'

Lovino glared at him and all but ripped the cup from his hand. "Excuse me?"

Francis shrugged one final time and withdrew back into the kitchen. The entire time, he had that same ridiculous smirk plastered on his face. "Bastard." Lovino muttered under his breath. He pushed the bizarre exchange to the back of his mind and retreated to the table by the window. It was the same table he always picked, since it allowed him to focus on the activity outside and get lost in his own thoughts. That way, he didn't feel as self conscious about being alone.

He sipped his coffee, winced as it burned his tongue, and focused his attention on the pedestrians scurrying up and down the sidewalks. He fixated on them in an attempt to erase the thoughts from his brain- the very same thoughts that kept him awake all last night. Feliciano seemed a little better that morning, but not much. He was still far too quiet to be considered 'back to normal.' He wondered if there was something else bugging him. Sure, the sermon was unpleasant, but Feliciano was usually good at shaking things off. That's what he thought, at least. Maybe he really didn't understand his brother.

Lovino continued to stare out the window with blank, unseeing eyes. He was able to keep that up until he saw something that absolutely demanded to be seen. He felt his stomach jump in a way that was almost painful and he nearly choked on his coffee. No, surely his eyes were playing tricks on him. Surely that wasn't him- oh no, was he walking this way? No, he wasn't…he was. Lovino nearly stopped breathing. He leaned against the hand that was closest to the window in a pathetic attempt to hide his face.

When the bell sounded, Lovino squeezed his eyes shut. _Don't see me. Don't see me. Don't see me. _The three words played over and over again in his head, and for one horrid second of insanity he wished for the opposite. Out of all the coffee shops in this town, did Antonio really need to walk into this one right then? He realized his attempts at camouflaging himself like an ostrich with its head in sand were futile when he heard that unmistakable accent.

"_Dios mio! _Lovino, is that you?"

He was almost tempted to say no. _No, I'm someone else. Now go away._ He felt his face grow red and stifled the little flutter in his chest. "Are you stalking me or something?" He said as he focused his eyes on his cup.

Lovino finally looked up when Antonio began to laugh. "Not everything is about you, Lovino! I came by to say hello to my good friend Francis."

Oh. So that's why that barista was acting so weird. Wait; did that mean Antonio told his friends about him? It felt like a tiny bomb went off in Lovino's stomach as he considered the idea. No, dammit, that wasn't flattering; it was weird! He crossed him arms and slumped farther down in his seat. "So you talk about me now? Creep."

"I beg your pardon? Oh dear, did Francis say something? Francis!" Antonio raised his voice and called out in the direction of the kitchen.

Francis appeared behind the counter once again. "Oh, Antonio! It feels like years have passed since I've seen you. And what a coincidence, your little friend happens to be here as well!" He leaned over the countertop and just about purred his next sentence. "Why, Toni, I never expected you to be the type to rob cradles."

Evidently, Francis did not expect Lovino's hearing to be as keen as it was. He stiffened his posture and glared in his direction. "I'm seventeen years old! I'm not little, and we sure as hell aren't friends! Antonio is my youth group leader, that's it!" He tried to keep his voice at a normal volume. The last thing he needed was to call attention to himself and worsen this disaster.

Francis rolled his eyes. "You sure know how to pick them, Toni. He really is a sweetheart." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Antonio's smile fizzled and died. _"Francis." _He stretched his name into three syllables. "Behave yourself for once, will you?" If Lovino looked closely, he could almost see a bit of pink on his olive cheeks. Not that he was looking closely.

Francis raised his hands above his head in a mock surrender. "Alright, no need to be upset. At least order something. I cannot allow you to simply loiter here."

Antonio's smile returned and took the form of a smirk. "Get me a cappuccino, frog." He said, handing him a five-dollar bill. His tone contained the kind of joking sarcasm only used between close friends. Lovino realized no one joked with him that way.

Francis handed him his change and soon followed it with his drink. They exchanged a few more one-liners before Antonio told him to get back to work with a flippant wave of the hand and Francis disappeared into the back of the café. Lovino watched in careful fascination. Much to his shock, horror, and unintentional excitement, Antonio walked to his table and smiled down at him.

"I am sorry about him, Lovi. He's a handful." He paused and took a sip of his drink. "Mind if I sit with you?"

Lovino rolled his eyes. "You're kidding, right?" He used his snippy tone in an attempt to distract him from his hands that trembled slightly around his cup. He tried to separate his words from the ones in his mind, which kept feeding him the infuriating idea that he would in fact like the company.

Antonio tilted his head and smiled gently. "So, no? Alright, I suppose I'll be on my way then." He turned on his heel and took a step towards the door.

"I never said that, idiot." Lovino shocked himself with his words. What on earth was he doing, and why did the thought of sitting there alone suddenly feel undesirable? "Just…just sit down, already. Don't act like it's such a big deal. My God."

Antonio turned back around. "Oh, really? That sounds great!" He sounded genuinely surprised. He pushed back the empty chair and sat down in one smooth motion. Lovino couldn't help but notice the way he moved. It was as if every step he took was carefully choreographed. He hadn't been watching him or anything. He'd just noticed.

"So how are you, Lovino?" He said.

"I'm just peachy." Lovino traced the lip of his cup with his finger. "Not sure I can say the same about Feliciano."

Antonio frowned. "Oh no. That's truly a shame. Did something happen?"

"I would think you know damn well what happened." When Antonio looked confused, Lovino continued. "What that priest said, O'Brian or whatever, really freaked him out. He asked me if he's going to hell and he had a nightmare about fire."

Antonio let his gaze drift onto the table. He sighed before nodding knowingly. "I see. That simply breaks my heart, Lovino. Feliciano seems like a nice boy."

"He is. Far too nice to be told he's going to be punished for being human!" Lovino felt a familiar anger start to twist beneath his skin. He couldn't stop his next words. "Why do you work there? You already said you don't agree with that crap, so why do you even bother?"

Antonio pushed his dark hair back and exhaled. "It wasn't always like this. Things used to be a lot more relaxed, but over recent years our newer priests have taken on a more aggressive approach to keep up with the more extremist Evangelist and Baptist groups." He paused, shook his head and kept his voice hushed. "When something is all you have ever known, it can be very hard to question it."

Lovino opened his mouth to protest but quickly realized he couldn't deny what he was saying. "You could find another church. My grandpa goes to one not far from yours." He said then quickly regretted it. He didn't want a different group leader- there was a chance whoever it was would be worse, after all.

Antonio shook his head. "I've been going there for years. It's become somewhat of a tradition. I have hopes it will one day revert to what it was." His eyes narrowed as if he were fighting with himself. "Even then, I can't be sure they would accept…oh, never mind."

This piqued Lovino's interest. "What was that?"

He shook his head fervently. "I don't want to do cross a line or make you uncomfortable, Lovino. There are certain things that are better left unsaid."

That may be true, but Lovino's curiosity was getting the better of him. "Why are you so worried about making me uncomfortable? I'm not a little kid, you know."

Antonio's eyes finally met Lovino's. "No. No, you certainly are not." He clenched his cup a little bit too tightly and quickly changed the subject. "Do you believe in God, Lovino?"

After shaking off the initial confusion over the suddenness, the loaded question hit Lovino like smack to the face. He had wrestled with that question for longer than he could remember. Around seventh or eighth grade, the mention of religion started to make him uncomfortable. Not long after, he started wondering if there truly was a God and if he was good enough for him if there was. This only led to a descent into overthinking, paranoia and general unhappiness. When his grandfather decided he was old enough to not go to church if he wished, he had taken to ignoring the constant questions that haunted him. Now, his ability to do that was wavering. He couldn't start the descent again, he just couldn't-

"Lovino? Are you alright?"

Lovino came plummeting back down to earth when he heard Antonio's voice. "Huh?" He said. What had they been talking about again?

Antonio looked apologetic. "I hope that wasn't too intrusive to ask. You don't have to answer." He said. "Do know that I wouldn't judge you for your response."

Oh yeah, he had asked that question. Lovino shook his head and tried to get a grip on himself. "Oh. Um…" He needed to think of a response, anything that gave off the impression he was confident in his own beliefs, that he was mature and actually wise beyond his years like he had been told…oh, screw it. "I don't know." He muttered.

Antonio nodded. "Do any of us, really?" He leaned against his hand glanced out the window. Then he seemed to stutter back in awareness like a slow starting car. "I really don't know if we should be discussing this, I am your group leader, I-"

"Antonio," The moment Lovino said it he realized it was the first time he had called him by his actual name- not bastard, not idiot- Antonio. In fact, it was the first time he'd said it out loud. The four syllables felt unfamiliar on his tongue. Oh, for the love of God, it was only his damn name! "We aren't in church right now. You aren't my teacher or whatever now, okay? If you want to say something just say it already." He refused to admit he was curious, and he sure as hell didn't _care._

Antonio smiled softly. "I must warn you, it's a bit of a long story."

Somehow, the thought of hearing that accent for an extended period of time didn't seem too terrible. "Fine. I don't have anything better to do." Lovino muttered.

Antonio didn't say a word for a long moment. His shoulders tensed, his lips pursed, and he finally took a deep breath. "Do you know what scrupulosity is, Lovi?" His voice had dipped rather dramatically.

Lovino shook his head. The term was completely foreign. "No. What is it?"

"It's a form of obsessive compulsive disorder that relates directly to being religious. In layman's terms, it means you have an unusual amount of guilt and fear about things like sin." Antonio adverted his eyes again. "When I was around your age, I came to the conclusion that I suffered from it."

Lovino's words were stolen from him. He only nodded.

"I spent nearly all my time praying because I had convinced myself that I was not truly saved. I was plagued with intrusive blasphemous thoughts that I did not believe, which only worsened my fear that God would not forgive me. I began to second-guess and overthink everything I did, thinking it was sinful. Why, I'm almost certain I spent more time in confession than the actual priest!" Antonio smiled slightly and laughed dryly. "Needless to say, it was all very distressing. I was living on a very little sleep due to these worries, which did nothing to help the anxiety. I was absolutely convinced I would go to hell, and these thoughts never left me alone for long."

Lovino felt suddenly lightheaded. What he was saying- nearly word for word- was a perfect description what he had felt not too long ago. He'd never known that other people felt the same way, let alone that there was a word for it. He swallowed hard, bit the inside of his lip and kept listening.

"What didn't help was something I discovered about myself not long after puberty-" Antonio's eyebrows shot upwards and he stopped. He sighed and looked into Lovino's eyes. "I should not continue."

Lovino shook his head rigidly. "You're already this far. Might as well finish."

"I don't think you understand, Lovino." He took a deep, trembling breath. "This may completely change your opinion of me. I do not want you to think that I'm up to something, or- _dios, _I don't even know."

"What makes you think I have such a high opinion of you anyways, bastard?"

Antonio finally laughed. Lovino felt just a twinge of relief and cursed himself for it. "I suppose I don't have much to lose then, do I?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and tried to pretend that his heart wasn't threatening to pound right out of his chest, that his head wasn't spinning like a top and he wasn't drowning in the suspense. "No. You don't." _What could possibly be so damn terrible?_

Lovino didn't realize that his hand had been lying idly on the table that sat between them until Antonio covered it with his. A sudden fire shot up his entire arm and manifested itself in a blush. Lovino mentally kicked himself.

"You must promise you won't tell anyone, Lovino. Not even you grandfather. Not even Feliciano." He said firmly.

Lovino told himself to yank his hand away but it wasn't cooperating. It was as if his body had a mind of its own. He forced himself to scoff. "You really think I'd waste my time talking about you?" He said. _What in the hell is it?_

Antonio removed his hand and clutched the edges of the table. Lovino realized they were quivering. "This is something I rarely tell anyone."

"Just spit it out already!" Lovino couldn't stop himself from nearly shouting it. It was a good thing the café had emptied out even more. Not even Francis was anywhere to be seen.

Antonio looked him in the eyes again, and it looked like it took him everything he had not to lose consciousness. "Lovino," he paused for much too long. Lovino expected the world to explode. Was he a serial killer? Did he have dead bodies in his basement? Why did it matter, god, it shouldn't matter…

Antonio's voice was small and full of hesitation. "I'm gay, Lovino."

Oh. Lovino was almost disappointed. "That's it?"

Antonio's face went blank. "Pardon me?"

Lovino laughed humorlessly. "You really are dramatic. I thought you were going to tell me you killed someone. Really, do you actually think I care? Well, I don't. Sorry to disappoint." This was true, so what was that little jump in his chest for?

Antonio finally smiled genuinely and breathed a huge sigh of relief. "You have no idea how much weight that takes off my shoulders, Lovino. Thank you for understanding. Please know that my relationship with you has no ulterior motives whatsoever."

Lovino nodded plainly. What was this sinking feeling in his chest? Certainly it was heartburn. The amount of pain suggested he was having a stroke, but it definitely was not an emotional response because he didn't care, dammit. He. Did. Not. Care-

"Well, now that you know, I suppose I can continue my story."

The confession left his mind and Lovino was hit with the reality of this conversation. "Fine. Just…just hurry." He stammered.

Antonio nodded with a slight smile. "When I discovered this, it only worsened my fears. I prayed and prayed for God to change me, to make me normal, but in the end I simply couldn't fight off my attraction to males. At this point, I was absolutely certain that I was an abomination and a mistake. So…" His lips parted as if to speak, but instead he closed his mouth and rested his left arm on the table. "It would be easier to show you."

Lovino wondered what he could possibly have to show him. Antonio unbuttoned the cuff on his shirt and he only grew more confused. Funny, Antonio did always seem to wear those long-sleeve button-down things. He wondered why. Then he pushed up his sleeve to his elbow, and the answer to his question smacked Lovino in the face. Staring him in the face was a raised, angry-looking red scar that ran from the base of his wrist to nearly his inner elbow. Oh. _Oh. _No, there had to be another explanation, Antonio was always so happy, he wouldn't-

He pushed his sleeve back down and buttoned the cuff. "I attempted to take my own life when I was all of sixteen years old. By what I would like to think was the grace of God I did not succeed, as you can probably tell." He smiled, but it faded in a matter of seconds. "I was in a truly awful place. Since then, I have gotten my illness under control. I take medication, go to therapy and am able to live a happy, normal life. I have my moments where the troublesome thoughts start to creep up on me, but I know how to control them now." He said, and then sighed. "I apologize for springing all of that on you. Wow, I haven't opened up to anyone like that in years…"

His words fizzled out into a jumble of sounds. Lovino could barely hear or even see through the thick cloud of emotions that fell over him like a frigid fog. He would have never guessed a happy, carefree person like Antonio would have skeletons like that in his closet.

Lovino coughed into his hand. He tried to steady his breathing and make his voice sound as flat as possible as though it hadn't affected him, because for God's sake, it hadn't. "Wow. I'm…sorry, Antonio." 'Sorry' felt far too casual for something like this, but the ability to say anything else was eluding him at the moment. He took a sip of his lukewarm coffee and realized his hand was shaking so badly he could barely hold the cup. Then, another realization hit him like an avalanche. "Wait. Wait a minute. If you have all of those problems, then why in the _hell _do you work at a church that thinks gay people are evil? That's just stupid!"

Antonio looked almost hurt. "Yesterday was the first time those things were said there. I do admit I had a small episode that night, but I soon recovered." He drummed his fingers on the table. "I do hope those things aren't said again."

Lovino hoped so too. He tried to avoid thinking about what exactly this 'episode' entailed. In his attempts to avoid it, his thoughts drifted back to Feliciano and his heart nearly stopped. What he was saying was relevant to his little brother's strange behavior, too. "Do you think Feliciano could have the same thing? Scup- Sup- dammit, what was that word again?"

"Scrupulosity? I hope not, but Lovino, just in case- please be there for him. Ask him what he's afraid of, and do not brush those fears off. Comfort him. Take everything he says seriously no matter how ridiculous it may sound." He sounded like this was a speech he had memorized. Lovino nodded though his body was going numb. "I don't mean to scare you, but if he says anything about wanting to die- take him to the hospital. Immediately."

Lovino barely heard what he said. He refused to acknowledge the thought, to recognize it as a possibility, to think about it for even a second. He stood up even though his legs felt like they were made of rubber. "I have to go." He needed to get out of there, away from Antonio's horrible words and his sympathetic eyes that burned his skin. "Oh God, I have to go…"

Antonio's words stopped him. "I'm so sorry, Lovi." He said. He was suddenly on his feet. "I didn't mean to upset you. _Ay Dios mio_, I knew I crossed a line, I should have stopped ages ago, I'm so sorry-" His words were frantic and his eyes were wide.

Lovino suddenly left his body. Everything turned to slow motion as legs that were not his took a step towards Antonio. Arms that he had no control over wrapped around him. Before he knew it, his head was pressed against his shoulder. Antonio hugged him back so tightly he thought his bones would shatter and continued to mutter apologies into his ear in that intoxicating accent. His voice sent Lovino back to reality. Even then, he didn't let go immediately. Lovino told himself he was only doing it to shut him up, that he felt no real sympathy for him. He told himself that his face was getting warm because the heating was set too high.

When he finally broke away and muttered a few goodbyes that he didn't hear himself say, he told himself he was glad to be leaving even though there was a pain in his chest. He told himself the pain was, again, heartburn. While he was speed walking down the sidewalk towards his house, he told himself the tears in his eyes were because of the wind. He told himself that it didn't matter that Antonio's story and condition held so many similarities to his own life. He told himself he couldn't feel his wall breaking, the same one he spent years building around his heart. When he thought of Antonio's confession, he told himself he couldn't relate to it.

He told himself he hadn't been fighting the same feelings for years.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	6. Chapter 6

_A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Psalms 18:24)_

* * *

Lovino made it a point to take the long way home. He took random paths and wandered down unfamiliar streets for at least half an hour before he ended up at his front door, nearly twenty minutes longer than it usually took him to get back from the café. During his little adventure, he tried to forget about the conversation he'd had with Antonio. He was absolutely not expecting to talk to him that day, and he would have never guessed he would ever talk to him about anything that heavy. He was grateful that there was still a bit over five days left until Sunday. He didn't know how he would face him again after all of that.

He unlocked the front door to the house and stepped inside. The second he did so; he was assaulted by Feliciano's voice. "…Yeah! Wow, I can't believe I never noticed we went to the same school! I thought I would notice you, since you're so big and everything, not that it's bad that you're big! Oh, by big I mean tall and strong looking! I'm not calling you fat!"

Lovino exhaled like he'd been holding his breath. He was more than likely talking to that overgrown German kid, and he sounded like his normal self. Still, Antonio's words bored into his brain like a jackhammer. _Ask him what he's afraid of, and do not brush those fears off. _

The thought drifted past Lovino and he almost instantly got angry. How dare he? How dare that idiot Spaniard put those thoughts in his head and make him worry unnecessarily about his brother? How dare he tell him all those things about himself; did he want to make them Lovino's problems too? No, because he wasn't going to allow them to become his problems. He just wasn't.

Feliciano was still talking. Lovino wondered if Ludwig was able to get a word in edgewise. "…Oh, Ludwig, can we hang out soon? Oh, oh, I know! You can come over Sunday morning and then we can go to-" There was an abrupt, long pause. "Yes…church. We can go there together. I forgot the word for a minute!" Feliciano laughed in that uneasy, unnatural way.

Lovino's angry judgments about what Antonio had said were cut short. Upon hearing that laugh again, what he said suddenly felt warranted. He clenched his jaw as tightly as he could and refused to admit that Antonio had been right all along. Besides, he had other things to deal with now. Namely, he had to deal with that bouncing little brunette in the other room whose tone was changing at an incredibly concerning rate.

"Feliciano?" Lovino called out in no direction in particular. "Can you call your friend back? I need to talk to you."

"Oh! I didn't know you were home! I- yeah, I have to go. Sorry, Ludwig! I'll call you back later, bye! –Ok, I'm coming!"

Lovino had to smile at Feliciano's rambling sentences. What he said never followed one train of thought and often didn't make a whole lot of sense, but the way he spoke had a certain charm to it. Feliciano burst into the room in one flurried motion and only further proved his musings.

"Lovi, you're home, I was starting to get worried you wouldn't be home for dinner! I hate when we're not all together for dinner, don't you?" His eyes flew open. "Oh, wait. Am I in trouble? Did I do something?"

Lovino shook his head as his smile fell. "No. You aren't in trouble. Why don't we sit down?"

Feliciano drummed his fingers together nervously. "O-Oh. Okay."

Lovino sat down at the kitchen table and Feliciano followed soon after. He looked at him with un-accusing eyes to let him know that he hadn't done anything wrong. It was hard to explain, but it seemed like Feliciano had the smallest bit of guilt etched into his eyes since Sunday. Lovino broke out of the eye contact they held and convinced himself that he was letting his imagination run wild again.

Lovino forced a slight grin. "I just want to talk, Feli. Don't look so nervous."

His response was too quick. "I'm not nervous!"

"Yes you are. You look about ready to explode out of your chair." Lovino said, eyeing the odd way Feliciano seemed to fidget. It was almost as if he were vibrating.

Feliciano looked at his shoes with the eyes of a scolded puppy. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just kind of tired because I didn't get much sleep last night…" He trailed off and seemed to become mesmerized by the swinging of his legs.

Lovino, who quickly realized he wasn't going about his the right way, placed his hand on Feliciano's shoulder reassuringly. "Hey, don't worry about it." Feliciano finally looked back up at him, seeming just slightly more relaxed. Lovino withdrew his hand. He needed to be as gentle as possible or he'd lose him again. "Speaking of last night, I know you had a nightmare. Did you want to talk about it?"

Feliciano's expression shifted from uncertain to downright confused. "Are you sick, Lovino? You never ask if I want to talk about things. You usually just tell me to stop bugging you."

Taken aback by the innocent-sounding comment, Lovino let the guilt he instantly felt contort his face into a pained expression. He almost objected, but didn't. He knew it was true. "Well, I'm asking you now." He said.

Feliciano nodded weakly. "Before I went to bed I was reading something online."

Lovino blinked, slightly confused by the random comment. "Alright. What were you reading?" He asked.

"It was a website called 'Catholic Answers' or something," said Feliciano. Lovino felt the corner of his mouth twitch. This could not end well. He nodded, willing his brother to continue. "And I was reading all the stuff on it, and being Catholic is actually really complicated, Lovi! There are all these rules you have to follow and there are two different kind of sin, one is called mortal and the other starts with a 'v,' and if you commit one of the mortal ones you have to go to confession right away because if you die before you do you'll go to hell."

Lovino swore that he wasn't hearing Feliciano anymore. Instead, he was hearing the exact same things he thought years ago. Not only that, but it was as if he was hearing Antonio's exact words as well. He knew these extremist, guilt-inducing websites all too well. Regardless, he decided to play dumb and keep asking questions. "What kind of things do they consider mortal, Feli?"

Feliciano tilted his head and widened his eyes. "Oh, lots of things! Even little things like missing a mass on Sunday or even thinking bad things. Oh, and if you take communion after you do one of those things and don't go to confession first, it's like, a _double _mortal sin! I didn't even know that was possible, did you?"

Lovino did know. He stared dumbly back at Feliciano as he recited these so-called facts like someone was feeding the words to him. He tried desperately to not recreate the incapacitating feeling in his own mind. In the end, he could think of only one thing to say back. "Feliciano, I want you to stay off of these websites. Do you understand?"

"But, Lovino! I have to know what not to do or else I might-" Feliciano stopped talking mid-sentence and hung his head. "Or else I might forget and go to hell."

This wasn't happening. It already happened to Lovino, it happened to Antonio, why did it need to happen to Feliciano? If there was really a God, Lovino was convinced he was a cruel one. He shook his head and grabbed Feliciano by the shoulders.

"Listen to me, Feliciano." He said. "People can put whatever crap they want on the Internet. These things you're reading aren't true. God is not going to punish you for something so stupid. Please, just stay off of these websites, alright? You'll feel better if you do. I promise."

Feliciano nodded. "Okay, I will. Thanks for listening, Lovi!" Without warning he threw his arms around Lovino, who nodded and patted his shoulder three times before they let go. His smile was back, and Lovino felt like someone had lifted a two hundred pound weight off his chest.

It seemed as if a light bulb went off in Feliciano's head. "Oh, yeah! Can Ludwig come over before church on Sunday?"

Lovino chuckled and the tension around them was instantly demolished. "I don't really have much control over that, Feli. Why don't you ask Grandpa?" He looked around the room and realized Roma was nowhere in sight. "Where is he, anyway?"

Feliciano shrugged. "I think he went to see one of his friends. He told me where he was going but I wasn't paying attention."

Lovino sighed. It couldn't be helped, he supposed. "Of course." He muttered.

"Lovino?" Feliciano said out of the blue.

"Yes?"

"Where were _you_ all this time? School let out a really long time ago. Grandpa was kind of annoyed because you left your phone here and you weren't coming back."

Lovino felt his breath catch in his throat. He wasn't sure which was worse- that he had upset his grandfather again, or that he would have to admit he was with Antonio. The memory of the conversation came flooding back to him like a broken dam and his stomach flipped over on itself.

"I got coffee." He said flatly.

Confusion was evident in Feliciano's face. "How long does it take to get coffee? You were gone for at least two hours, Lovi." His tone wasn't accusatory, just puzzled.

Lovino sighed. He would never hear the end of it if he told him, but Feliciano wouldn't stop the questions until he got an explanation that satisfied him. "When I was in the café, I ran into Antonio. We talked. Alright?"

Feliciano's face lit up in an instant. "Oh, wow! That's so great! I wish I ran into Ludwig in random places, that would be so much fun! What did you guys talk about?"

That question was far too difficult to answer. Lovino saw his chance to change the subject and pounced on it. "You keep talking about this Ludwig, Feliciano. Tell me, do you ever let the kid speak or does he just listen to your babbling?"

Feliciano perked up at the very mention of his name, but for a brief moment his eyes held a tiny twinge of…something else. Lovino cursed his damn imagination again. "Actually, that's what's so great about Ludwig! He listens to me and he doesn't think I talk too much, but when he does say something it's really well thought out."

Lovino folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? Like what?"

Feliciano pondered this for a moment. "We were talking about the sermon after group yesterday. He said it was a shame that some people hate other people's love so much just because they don't understand it. He said they're probably afraid of it because it doesn't make sense to them."

No matter how wary Lovino was about this kid- he looked like he could rip Feliciano in two _accidentally, _for God's sakes- he couldn't stop himself from agreeing with what he said. Maybe Ludwig did have a functioning brain after all. Lovino was starting to think he was nothing more than a really good listener and a possible mute. The subject of this quote sent Lovino's unruly mind straight back to Antonio's confession about himself and he suddenly felt like he was drowning.

He closed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah. I mean, that sounds about right, I guess…" He pushed Antonio out of his mind with the mental force of a bulldozer. "Be careful around this German kid, Feliciano."

Feliciano frowned. "Why?"

"I don't know! Just be careful." Lovino wasn't entirely sure what he was saying. He was only talking for the sake of talking, for the sake of focusing his mind on something else. He uncrossed his arms and huffed. There was no need to pull Feliciano into his own confusion. "Look, never mind. I just don't want to see you get hurt."

His smile returned. Feliciano never seemed to frown for long. "Okay! I don't think I need to be, but I'll be careful anyways. Grandpa always says you can never be too careful!"

He did say that rather often. Lovino made a mental note to take that advice to heart that following Sunday. He quickly made another mental note to stop thinking about next Sunday. "Good." Lovino realized they both needed a distraction. "How about a movie, Feli?"

Feliciano nodded eagerly and pranced into the living room to choose a DVD. Lovino followed all while trying to silence the machine gun firing of the same four syllables chirping relentlessly in his head. _Antonio. Antonio. Antonio…_

.

The week passed far too quickly for Lovino's liking. It passed in a muck of grey, of uninteresting classes and dull conversation. Feliciano seemed to be more or less okay, Lovino only catching him in the occasional concentrated daze that he soon broke out of. He spent more time on the phone than not, talking to Ludwig in a voice that ranged from giddy to unpleasantly serious. Lovino tried to suppress his jealousy, telling himself that he didn't care that his brother seemed to confide more in this practical stranger than him, his own brother.

Lovino found himself wandering around town more often than he usually did. He found himself sitting in that same coffee shop, sitting at that same table and staring out of that same window and staying there for far longer than he needed to. His chest tightened at every glance at the dark hair or green eyes of strangers and every lilting sound of what could be a Spanish accent. He was hit with a nauseating wave of disappointment that he refused to acknowledge when he realized that these were in fact, nothing more than strangers.

Before he even realized it, it was Sunday morning. Lovino was sitting next to Feliciano on the sofa, which kept moving due to Feliciano's incessant bouncing. "Jesus, Feliciano. Will you calm down?" He said.

"I can't help it! I'm so excited Ludwig is coming! He should be here any minute, oh no, what if he doesn't show up?" said Feliciano in one spastic breath.

Grandpa Roma's laughter could be heard from the kitchen. "Relax, little one. I'm sure he wouldn't be foolish enough to stand you up."

_Of course he wouldn't be_, thought Lovino. Everyone and their mother were absolutely in love with sweet little Feli. It seemed as though there was always someone just dying to see him. Lovino checked the clock impatiently. It was only one in the afternoon, four hours before they needed to be at church. It took every ounce of willpower he had to not count the seconds.

The doorbell rang and Feliciano shot up from his seat like it was spring loaded. He made a beeline for the door, running faster than Lovino had ever seen him move. While it was true Feliciano had a lot of friends in and out of their house, Lovino had never seen him quite this excited. Just moments later after a series of frenzied greetings, Feliciano reemerged into the room with Ludwig not far behind.

"Grandpa! Come meet Ludwig!" He called out towards the kitchen. "Oh, Ludwig, aren't you excited to meet Grandpa?"

Ludwig nodded. "Yes." His voice was flat and void of emotion. Lovino studied his face. He looked as though he was fighting to keep a straight face, but his will to do so was falling under his nerves. He wondered what he would have to be nervous about.

Grandpa Roma emerged from the kitchen with a smile on his face. He walked over to Ludwig and grasped his hand. "Ludwig! I have heard wonderful things. It's so nice to finally be meeting you."

Ludwig shook his hand. "Yes sir. It is great to meet you too."

Roma laughed. "How polite! No need to call me sir, it makes me feel far too old. Please, call me Roma."

He already loved him. Lovino wasn't surprised. He waved to Ludwig halfheartedly before retreating to his room. He was certain that neither his Grandfather nor Feliciano noticed. He stood by his closed door for a moment and listened to the excited chatter that lay on the other side. Without warning, he started to wonder what Roma would think of Antonio. They seemed as though they would get along, they did have a somewhat similar sense of humor- wait, why did it matter?

Lovino slumped against the door and sighed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice told him that it did matter. It told him Antonio was in his life to stay. That must be the case, why else did Lovino keep running into him? Why else would the world burst into color and suddenly become more interesting whenever he was around? The second he thought such a thing, another intrusive thought immediately told him the opposite: Antonio would not be interested in being around him for much longer. Soon he would find someone else to focus on, someone less grumpy who had more interesting things to say.

Lovino wasn't sure which possibility terrified him more.

.

Hours passed by as Lovino stared into space, hearing but not really understanding the conversation that rose in fell in his living room. During this time he checked the clock nearly every minute. The anticipation was excruciating. Sooner or later he would have to face Antonio, to act like he didn't know of nearly every dark secret he held behind those sparkling eyes. On top of that, he would need to look him in those eyes and tell himself he didn't want to be around him even though every fiber of his being screamed something else entirely.

Finally, five o'clock rolled around. Lovino stood up and walked into the living room. "Feliciano, it's time to go. Get your friend."

"Alright."

Lovino only looked up when he heard the voice that wasn't Feliciano's. His eyes met Ludwig's, who was sitting rather rigidly on the couch. For a split second, Lovino wondered where Feliciano was. Then his eyes wandered just a touch lower. Feliciano was fast asleep with his head on Ludwig's lap.

Lovino blinked. "He just fell asleep like that?"

Ludwig smiled just slightly as he looked down at him. He nodded wordlessly in response and gently nudged Feliciano's shoulder. "It's time to go, Feli."

Feliciano's eyes blinked open. "Luddy…" He whispered in his sleepy haze. With his eyes only partially open, he sat up just enough to wrap his arms around Ludwig's torso. "Morning…" He nuzzled his head into his chest as he said the word in a sigh.

Lovino could only stare at him with a dumb, staggered expression. Feliciano was known for being affectionate, sure, but this was…different, somehow. Just different. "Feliciano?" He couldn't stop his bewilderment from getting the best of him. "Feliciano, what the hell are you doing?"

Feliciano snapped back into awareness. His eyes flew open and in an instant he was sitting upright with his hands gripping his knees, his grogginess forgotten. "I fell asleep! I must have gotten too excited before Ludwig came over."

Then he laughed. Lovino knew that laugh.

He nodded anyway. "Okay…" He said slowly. "Whatever. Let's just go."

Feliciano stood up. "You've never been so eager to get to church, Lovi! Is it because you miss Antonio? If you do you can just bring him here!"

Lovino thought of Antonio being in his house, filling it with his sporadic laughter and boundless energy. He felt a twinge of an emotion he could not explain when he considered the notion. No, that would never happen. Part of him still believed he didn't want it to. "Can we please just leave?"

.

Antonio was easier to spot in the crowded church lobby than a red flower in a patch of weeds. He wasn't particularly tall and his clothing didn't scream 'look at me,' but Lovino still managed to find him mere seconds after walking inside. He blamed it on the sound of his laughter that seemed to rise above every other sound in the room. Antonio was likely speaking with someone else; Lovino didn't expect him to even notice he had walked in-

"Lovino! There you are!"

Lovino looked up and saw that Antonio was rushing towards him with that ridiculous grin on his face. He looked around himself and realized that of course, Ludwig and Feliciano had managed to disappear. He sighed. How did this always happen? By the time he looked up Antonio was next to him. He opened his arms hesitantly and Lovino realized he was expecting another hug.

He narrowed his eyes. "No."

Antonio only chuckled in amusement and dropped his arms.

Lovino had said the word with as much conviction as he could muster, but in reality he was fighting the urge to just let him hug him. Each time he did, it seemed to unearth a new and powerful emotion he didn't know existed inside of him- No. Lovino couldn't afford to have any more new emotions. He was already overcome with nausea when he glanced at Antonio's left sleeve and was reminded of what lied beneath it. He crossed his arms over his chest as if that would somehow prevent him from giving into the ridiculous desire he felt.

"How are you, Lovino?" Antonio asked. In an instant, his smile disappeared. "I hope I didn't cross a line the other day."

Lovino dismissed his comment with a flippant wave of the hand. "Forget it. It happened and it's done." He attempted to make his voice sound as nonchalant as possible. If he couldn't convince himself that the conversation didn't matter, that it didn't change anything, he could still damn well try and convince Antonio.

Antonio sighed like he wasn't convinced, but he smiled again anyways. The minute he did his eyes flashed with excitement. "I have an idea, Lovino."

Lovino suddenly realized that Antonio seemed to say his name more often than anyone else, like he enjoyed hearing himself say it. He quickly let the thought pass as his curiosity took over. "Yeah? And what would that be?" His voice brimmed with irritability, but it was only a mask to hide his racing thoughts as to what this 'idea' could be. Knowing Antonio, it could be just about anything.

Antonio smiled mischievously. "Let's skip the sermon."

Lovino scoffed. "Seriously? Aren't you a little old to be playing hooky? You really are a terrible influence, a group leader telling teenagers to skip church, I mean, really!"

Antonio tilted his head in amusement. "Do you not want to?"

Lovino realized that yes, yes he did. A far more shocking realization hit him like a brick- he wanted to be with Antonio when he did so. He wanted to be with someone that actually cared about what he had to say. "Fine. Being around you would probably be better than listening to that guy, I guess." _No, it would be infinitely better, most definitely. _

Antonio looked around and saw that people were beginning to file into the main church. "Great, let's go!" He sounded so excited, like he had been waiting to do this his entire life. He grabbed Lovino's wrist and started to lead him away from the crowds. Lovino swore he spontaneously contracted a fever the moment he touched him. There was no other way his skin would get so warm.

He thought they would just go to the room before Antonio led him past it. "Where are we going?" asked Lovino. "Can't we just go to the room?"

Antonio laughed quietly. "Well, no, then the rest of our group would get there and realize that we weren't in church. That wouldn't reflect well on my job here."

Lovino realized his first question had never been answered, so he sighed and repeated himself. "Where are we going?"

"Lovi, it looks like patience is a skill I'm going to have to teach you."

Lovino resigned to the fact that he wasn't getting an answer. "You seem like the type of person that got in a lot of trouble in school." He said. Antonio did seem pretty used to skipping out on things he probably should be doing.

Antonio laughed. "Like you wouldn't believe. When I was your age, Francis, Gilbert and I managed to fill the principal's office with packing peanuts. In college, we painted the football field blue."

Lovino's eyes widened. Never in a million years would he have the courage to do something like that. "You're kidding."

Antonio simply shrugged, like it was no big deal. "Surely you've done something similar."

Lovino didn't respond. He hadn't done anything close to that, and he suddenly felt boring. Without saying another word he allowed Antonio to lead him up two flights of stairs and down one of the few narrow hallways that made up the third level. Antonio fished a master key out of his pocket and opened the door. What lied before them was something that looked like a storage room.

Lovino stared into the open door blankly. "Out of all places, you bring me here?" He said. "That's pretty damn creepy. What are you going to do, murder me?"

Antonio chuckled. "Now, now. No one really goes up here. As you can see it is used mostly for storage. That is the only reason I chose it." He paused. When he continued, his tone was softer. "I would never do a thing to harm you, Lovino."

Lovino felt his heart leap in his chest as Antonio's words sunk in. He hadn't expected such a serious response to such a sarcastic question. When Antonio shut the door behind them, he became shockingly aware that he was doing something that could get both of them in a lot of trouble. Not only that, but he was doing it with Antonio. Why did he agree to this again, and why was his skin buzzing with adrenaline?

"Come on, Lovi. Why don't you sit with me?"

Lovino hadn't even noticed he moved. He looked up from the ground and realized Antonio was sitting on an ancient looking sofa among piles of boxes like it was deliberately put there for them. He nodded curtly and walked over to him. The minute Lovino sat down on the dusty old couch he realized how small the thing actually was. It was really more of a loveseat than anything- oh, goddammit.

There was a long and only slightly uncomfortable silence before Lovino finally spoke. "What else did you do in high school?" He was genuinely curious.

A smirk spread across Antonio's face. "Should I really be giving you ideas?" He laughed. "High school was crazy. Probably a little too crazy."

Lovino's curiosity grew. "What happened?"

"Lots of things," said Antonio. "Drinking, smoking, pranks, girls…" he paused, then shrugged. "Boys." Lovino felt his throat tighten. He was grateful when Antonio continued to talk. "Francis, Gilbert and I made quite a team. Although, I suppose the highlight was our senior prank…" he trailed off and smiled slyly.

"What did you do?" Lovino said. His mind raced with possibilities.

Antonio paused for a long moment. "You cannot tell a soul."

Lovino nodded a bit too eagerly for his own liking.

"Alright." Antonio paused and another laugh escaped his throat. "I have family members who are farmers. I got ahold of three pigs." Lovino already knew this wouldn't end well. "So, we decided we would let them loose in the school." His eyes took on a look of mischief. "Here's the thing. We put labels on them that read one, two and four."

It took a minute for it to register. Once it did, Lovino's eyes shot open. "They kept looking for the third pig." He stated, still in partial disbelief.

Antonio nodded, looking rather pleased with himself. "You would not believe it. The faculty spent hours looking for that damned pig! We were never caught, but I believe everyone knew it was us."

Lovino couldn't fight the smile that spread across his lips. He pressed his fist to his mouth and tried to suppress a giggle. "You are absolutely insane." He said.

Antonio paused, looking like he was holding back a fit of laughter. "And you would not believe what we called ourselves."

Lovino rolled his eyes, but the couldn't force himself to frown. "Oh, no. What?"

Antonio sighed, a light blush dusting his cheeks. Lovino almost blushed himself. Antonio clapped his hands together as if to say 'screw it.' "The bad touch trio." He said.

Lovino couldn't hold it back any longer. He laughed like he hadn't in months. "The_ bad touch _trio?" He was barely able to repeat the ridiculous alias. "You're kidding me! Why in the hell would you willingly go by something like that? My God, that has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

Antonio's face really was red now. "It was Francis's idea." He said almost sheepishly. "We called ourselves that because we got around a lot." He paused and shook his head. "No. I'm giving myself too much credit. Francis and Gil were the ones that got around. I was more or less their celibate, closeted and slightly scared Christian sidekick."

Lovino's laughter died down. He started speaking before his mind could catch up with his mouth. "Oh. So you've never-" As soon as he realized his question, Lovino snapped his mouth shut and felt his face grow hot. What kind of question was that? Hopefully Antonio hadn't heard.

Antonio's eyebrows shot upward. He'd heard, alright. "Getting personal, aren't we?" He chuckled and Lovino's blush deepened. "But no. Francis would get into bed with anyone willing, regardless of gender. Gilbert had his fair share himself. I don't condemn their choices, but I would prefer to wait for someone I truly love." He shrugged. "Even if I thought differently, my biggest relationship in high school was with my illness. I was still in complete denial over who I was attracted to."

Lovino was so humiliated he could barely move. He knew that feeling all too well… No, stop! He was in desperate need of a subject change. In his desperation his eyes drifted to Antonio and he noticed his left sleeve was just slightly pushed up. He made the connection between what Antonio had said and what he was looking at, and his humiliation turned to nausea.

What he needed to do was take his eyes off of that scar, pull some trivial small talk out of thin air… "Antonio, do you still get…urges? To hurt yourself?" …He had needed to say anything but that. The terrible question passed Lovino's lips before he realized it and Antonio's smile instantly dissipated. Lovino was sure he had ruined everything. Stupid, stupid, stupid… "S-Sorry, I-"

Antonio's eyes fell to his arm and he quickly yanked down the fabric of the sleeve. He put his other hand out in front of him. "No, that's okay. I can't very well tell you my life story then get upset when you ask questions, can I?" He laughed, but it wasn't the same. "But no, I cannot say I do. Things are going just fine right now." With that, he smiled at Lovino. Could he possibly mean…? No, ridiculous.

There was a long, heavy pause before Antonio continued to speak. "How about you, Lovino? Have you ever…" He trailed off and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. That's much too personal."

It didn't take a genius to know what he was referring to. "It's fine." Lovino surprised himself with his own willingness to respond. "But no, I haven't."

Antonio exhaled sharply. "Good." He said quietly. "Good, that's something no one should have to deal with."

_Especially you…_for the love of God, stop! This craziness needed to end. Lovino's mind suddenly began to whir. He started to wonder what he was doing, why he was sitting in a dusty storage room with some eccentric Spaniard talking about such serious matters and having such ridiculous thoughts. He wondered what Feliciano would think about this. He wondered what his _grandfather _would think about this.

Then, he stopped himself. What did their opinions matter? He was tired of making decisions based on other people, tired of the endless monotony. This was a decision he was making for himself and only himself. Why he was making this decision specifically, he couldn't be sure. He wasn't even sure what 'this decision' was, exactly.

Lovino felt a sudden urge to be impulsive. It was a burning, unthinking urge that absolutely demanded to be acted upon. So without taking even a moment to consider the consequences, he lurched across the sofa and hugged Antonio the way he wanted to since he walked in. He wasn't sure why he did it. Maybe it was the sad look in his eyes; maybe it was because of the way he laughed or the way he smelled_,_ maybe… _NO!_

Lovino ripped away from him with incredible force the second he realized what he was doing. "_Merda!" _He swore. What was happening to him? What in the hell was that? What was he thinking?

For a moment Antonio just stared at him, looking utterly dumbfounded. He barely even reacted to the hug in the first place; he seemed too surprised. Finally, he smiled again. "Lovino? Are you alright?" The worst part was he sounded almost amused.

Lovino wanted to scream 'no'. No, he wasn't okay. Everything was so wrong, he was so terribly confused; yet it felt so strangely right at the exact same time. "Shut up." He mumbled. It was an immature, stupid response but it was all he could manage. Lovino decided he was done being impulsive. It was stupid anyways. Everything about this was stupid, just about as stupid as the alias 'The Bad Touch Trio.' Lovino let himself chuckle quietly when he remembered the name.

Antonio turned to Lovino and his eyes softened. "Lovino, has anyone ever told you that you look beautiful when you laugh?"

Lovino instantly stopped laughing and his heart leapt at the word. _Beautiful. _"Where the hell did that come from?" He said. "Who the hell calls a boy beautiful?" His words were meant to be an angry shout, but they ended up as more of a wavering whisper.

"Beauty isn't gender exclusive, Lovi."

"I'm not beautiful." Lovino felt his cheeks burn as he heard himself vocalize his true feelings. He hadn't meant for that to sound as pouty as it did. He turned his attention to the dust swirling around in the light that poured from the window.

Antonio's smile fell. "Lovino. Of course you are." His tone suddenly became serious. His response didn't sound patronizing or fake; it sounded truly authentic. Lovino felt as if the temperate in the room had gone up at least two hundred degrees.

"Just…stop!" said Lovino finally. He couldn't take hearing these things from Antonio. He couldn't take the way it made him feel. It was too much. Oh God, it shouldn't be too much. He shouldn't care…

Antonio laughed and Lovino's train of thought shattered into a million pieces around him. He swore that damn laugh was going to be the end of him, but in a way he felt relieved. "Alright, forgive me!" said Antonio as he attempted, unsuccessfully, to stifle his laughter.

His incessant laughter did nothing to help Lovino's flushed face. "What the hell is so damn funny? What gives you the right to laugh at me, bastard?" It was a childish thing to say and he knew it, but his thoughts were too clouded to come up with anything else.

"Oh, Lovino," said Antonio. "I'm not laughing at you. I've just never met someone…" He paused like he was trying to piece together a description, but then shrugged like he had failed. "Quite like you."

Lovino didn't know how to feel about that statement. "What is that supposed to mean?" He asked.

"I can't say I've ever known someone that so readily voices their anger yet never expresses much of anything else," said Antonio. Lovino felt his stomach drop. Of course, that's what everyone knew him for. He wasn't sure why he expected anything else… "But I know there's more to you than just anger. Much more."

Lovino swallowed hard. "What do mean?" He said, much softer this time. His voice lost nearly all of its malice.

Antonio leaned back against the old sofa and stared at the ceiling. "It's clear you care very much about your brother, even if you do deny it." He said. "And in the short time we've spent talking, I can tell you're very bright. You aren't one to simply accept what you're told. You question it."

"Oh." Lovino nearly whispered. His constant questions and overthinking had gotten him into nothing but trouble in the past. "Not many people think that's a good thing."

Antonio nodded and a slight frown found its way to his face. "And that's a real shame. We need more thinkers in this world."

_What we need are more people that smile like you; laugh like you…there would be no war. _Lovino shook his head, now entirely convinced someone else was controlling his thoughts. After the troublesome thought left his mind he found himself at a complete and utter loss for words. As if a higher power had noticed his distress, music began to seep through the vents. The sermon was over and they needed to get back downstairs. Lovino wasn't sure whether to be incredibly relieved or frustratingly, confusingly upset.

"Let's go." He said. "This whole thing was ridiculous. We should just get back now."

Without any resemblance of a warning, Antonio got on his feet at an incredible speed and pulled Lovino up by the hands. "The best things in life are often ridiculous, Lovino!" His familiar words were wild and free.

It took only a moment for Lovino to realize Antonio was trying to dance with him. His veins seemed to fill with fire as Antonio led him by the hand onto the dirty floor that was crowded with boxes and placed his hand on the small of his back. He followed the action with a succession of quick, surprisingly rhythmic steps that ended up resembling the salsa.

Lovino gasped, bit his lip and finally scowled. "You said that already, bastard!" He made no real effort to pull away. He could have if he wanted to, yet he just…didn't. That didn't stop him from continuing to shout, however. "What the hell are you doing? We need to get back before someone notices!"

Antonio laughed and suddenly dropped his arms. "You're right, we better get back," he said with a smile. He turned towards the door, but after just a second he turned back around. "Lovino?" He said. Lovino froze. "I stand by what I said. I think you're absolutely beautiful."

Just like that, Antonio was walking out. For a moment Lovino could only stand stuck in place, unable to move through all the strange emotions coursing through them. Yes, all of this was absolutely ridiculous. If that was true, why did it feel so amazing, so exciting, so fulfilling?

Maybe Antonio was right after all.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	7. Chapter 7

_An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. __(Proverbs 12:25)_

* * *

Lovino and Antonio managed to get back to the room without being noticed. They sat in their usual seats- Lovino swore Antonio's chair was getting closer to his couch every time there was a meeting- and managed to pretend like nothing had happened. Feliciano entered the room with Ludwig not long after. Finally, Matthew and Alfred came in.

Before he sat down, Alfred came to a halt in the middle of the room. "Sorry about last week, dudes." He said. He brought his hand to the back of his head and stared at the floor. "Mattie told me he'd kill me if I do that again, so it won't happen again." He had to mumble that last part.

Antonio smiled. "No worries, Alfred. This can be overwhelming at times."

Alfred, now with a slight embarrassed flush on his face, retreated to his place on the couch beside Matthew and glared at him. Matthew looked satisfied with himself. Lovino half-smiled in amusement. He seemed so timid, but it looked like he did his fair share of keeping his brother in line. This reminded him that Feliciano did the same thing. His smile instantly fell.

Speaking of Feliciano, Lovino realized he hadn't really looked at his brother since he entered the room. He turned towards him and the second he did his chest tightened like a vice. His usually bright, sparking eyes were dark and full of what looked like a sickening mixture of guilt and fear. What was even more terrifying was that he looked like he was on the verge of tears. Lovino's first instinct was to glare at Ludwig. He must have something to do with this, right?

Ludwig met his gaze. What followed was almost like they had an entire conversation without uttering a single word. Lovino glanced at Feliciano before resuming eye contact. Ludwig's eyes widened then, almost immediately, took on a look of resignation. He sighed and shook his head.

Alright, so maybe it wasn't the overgrown kraut's fault. The only way to find out was to go directly to the source. Lovino put his hand on Feliciano's shoulder. "Feli, is everything okay?" He was already well aware of the answer, but it felt necessary to ask.

Feliciano didn't meet his eyes. His voice was small, broken. "Didn't you hear the sermon?" He asked. "It was just more stuff about…gay people… and hell." He sighed and stopped speaking.

Lovino felt a surge of guilt when he realized no, no he hadn't heard the sermon. He had been too busy _dancing in a storage room _to get to the source of his brother's fears. Leave it to Antonio to ruin everything without even realizing it. Lovino quickly realized with a sigh that no, this was his own fault. He had already decided his days of making impulsive, selfish decisions were over. Now all that was left to do was attempt to fix this.

"We'll talk when we get home, okay?" said Lovino. Their own home seemed like a more appropriate place to have this conversation.

Feliciano nodded weakly and rested his head against the back of the couch. His uncharacteristic lack of energy made Lovino cringe. Ludwig looked at him with pained concern clouding his blue eyes, the most emotion Lovino had ever seen him express.

Antonio was completely oblivious to the heavy tension that surrounded him, the silence only broken by Alfred and Matthew's quiet bickering. He was rifling around with his papers again, looking completely lost. Lovino rolled his eyes. That man had absolutely no organizational skills to speak of.

When Antonio finally spoke, Lovino came to the conclusion that his hesitation was out of confusion rather than being unprepared. "Guys? I have a bit of an announcement to make, if you would all just listen for a moment." The room grew even more silent than it already was. "It looks as though there's a weekend retreat coming up. It will be in two weeks."

There was a collective groan. Alfred seemed to groan the loudest. "Seriously? Like, the _entire _weekend?" He said.

Antonio nodded in a way that suggested he was about as excited as Alfred. Alfred rolled his eyes as dramatically as possible and collapsed back into his seat.

Lovino felt a suffocating dread take residence in his throat. What could something like this possibly entail? If the sermons were this aggressive, this anxiety inducing, then he could only imagine the horrors waiting for them in an entire weekend organized by these people. He put his own feelings aside for a moment and addressed the elephant in the room- what was something like this going to do to Feliciano?

"One more thing," said Antonio flatly. "Before we go, it is being asked of us that we all complete the sacrament of reconciliation. We'll be doing that next week instead of group." His words were unnatural and robotic, like he was delivering a speech in a language he didn't know. His eyes didn't leave the paper.

Lovino remembered his first time going to confession. It was in the fifth grade, some time before religion became an uncomfortable subject. One is expected to sit behind a curtain with a priest on the other side of it and more or less explain what a terrible person they are. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but that's what it felt like. Lovino had sat there, nervousness overtaking his body, and quietly mumbled a list of things he remembered doing. After words, he was told to say a series of prayers as penance.

He remembered the night before more than the confession itself. After somewhat of a pep talk from Grandpa Roma, he had lied in bed and grown more and more panicked with every sin he remembered. Every lie he ever told, every curse word and angry insult thrown at his grandfather came back to him in a machine-gun firing of guilt. He was sure he was up to the thousands by the time he fell into a fitful sleep. His reconciliation during the fifth grade had been his first and his last. His last until now, that is.

The rest of group passed in a haze. It was an unremarkable blur of Antonio's attempts at being engaging about subjects Lovino did not remember and of brief, nervous moments of eye contact. All Lovino could do was try to still his racing heart and mind simultaneously. He ultimately failed on both accounts.

When Antonio dismissed the class, Lovino didn't make the conscious decision to remain glued to his seat. He just couldn't find the motivation to move. Getting up meant walking home with Feliciano, pretending he didn't notice his painfully obvious distress, attempting to pry away at his layers like he was an onion just to get to the root of the problem- Lovino wasn't ready to deal with all of it just yet.

Not surprisingly, Antonio was the one to break him out of his trance. "Are you alright, Lovino?"

Lovino's head snapped up as his heart jumped to his throat. "Fine. I'm fine."

Antonio frowned, clearly unconvinced. "I'm no happier about this than you, you know." He spoke as if he already knew, as if he had read Lovino's mind and found all the fears stashed in the corners.

Lovino sighed and leaned further back against the couch's soft cushions. "An entire weekend." He shook his head and laughed humorlessly. "I can't wait."

"It may help to look on the bright side," said Antonio as he took the spot previously filled by Feliciano. "For me, I focus on the fact that I will get to spend an entire weekend with you."

Lovino's breath caught and his heart skipped painfully in his chest. He had allowed that simple and obvious fact to elude him until right then. An entire weekend with Antonio- simply putting the words together in a sentence felt surreal. Lovino had to force himself to roll his eyes. "You think I'd see that as the bright side?"

Antonio grinned. "I was speaking only for myself." He paused for a moment. "Are you nervous about going to confession?"

Lovino bit the side of his cheek and lied without a second thought. "No. It's not a big deal."

Antonio looked dubious, but he did not push the matter. "How do you think Feliciano feels about it?"

There was no way Antonio was not a mind reader. Lovino felt his stomach twist when he was reminded of his brother. "Don't pretend like you didn't see the look on his face today. Whatever was said today probably scared him out of his skull." Lovino rested his head in his palm. "And I have no idea what it was. God! Why did you have to tell me to leave with you? I mean, really!"

Antonio's smile fell. When he nodded he almost looked guilty. "I suppose that wasn't the most mature of decisions on my part. My emotions often get in the way of my better judgment. I apologize."

"No." Lovino surprised himself when he answered immediately. He didn't want Antonio to apologize. All he wanted was his cheerful little brother back, as well as something he couldn't quite describe. "No, I mean…" He recognized he was at a loss for words. He took a breath and managed a generic response. "It was fine. Really. It's not like it matters now." In reality, his little escape to the storage room with Antonio was far more than fine. Lovino didn't dare to acknowledge that, much less convert that thought to words.

Antonio looked at his clasped hands. "Did I manage to make today a better experience?"

Lovino froze. He had completely forgotten about that. "All of that was about some stupid promise?" He couldn't stop the spiteful question from escaping his lips. He had no idea Antonio cared so much. More importantly, _why _did he care so much?

Antonio reeled back. His eyes seemed to lose their shine the moment Lovino's words sunk in. "I guess not." He said it like he was talking to himself rather than anyone else.

That was another thing about Antonio that drove Lovino absolutely insane. No matter how happy and confident he appeared; he could take on the appearance of a kicked puppy in a millisecond. "No." Lovino said again. He sighed. "Look, it was…fun, okay? It wasn't terrible. Don't be so damn melodramatic."

Antonio's eyes got their sparkle back. "I'm glad to here that, Lovi. I really am." He hesitated momentarily, and then rose to his feet. "I should let you get back to Feliciano."

Lovino felt a twinge of dread. He stood up as well but with far more hesitance. No, he didn't want to go. That had nothing to do with Antonio; he just didn't want to go. This couch was comfortable. He was tired. That was all there was to it, he had no reasoning behind it, he just didn't want to go… "Do I have to go?" Lovino wanted to kick himself. He hadn't meant to actually say that. It sounded far too pouty, like a small child refusing to leave a play date. He felt his cheeks burn in sheer humiliation.

He was grateful when Antonio didn't laugh, only smiled gently. "I'll see you next week, Lovi. I don't doubt that you will be on my mind until then."

His stupid poetic way of speaking wasn't helping. Oh God, it really wasn't helping. Lovino was losing the motivation to keep his wall up, the very wall that had prevented him from pain all this time. Without thinking he slowly unfolded his arms and let them drop to his sides, secretly hoping his body language would be enough to convey the thought he didn't dare to voice, to think. He felt instantly exposed.

Antonio looked at him like he understood. It was confirmed: Antonio was a mind reader. "Lovino…" He said his name unlike anyone ever had, in a way that caused Lovino's collar to flush. He could have shouted, he could have walked out, he could have rolled his eyes and pushed him away. In fact, he begged himself to. Something from within himself denied him the privilege. Instead, for reasons he didn't understand, he let Antonio hug him again.

.

The school week was as slow as it had ever been. Friday evening, Lovino was sitting in the living room, flipping through the television channels absent-mindedly. Feliciano had gone to a movie with Ludwig a few hours ago and he was due home any minute now. If anything, Lovino was grateful that someone was distracting him. Feliciano's strange mood the previous Sunday had carried over into the rest of the week. No matter how hard he tried, Lovino couldn't get him to talk about it.

Lovino tipped his head back and sighed. It didn't surprise him that Feliciano didn't want to talk with him about it. All Feliciano wanted to do nowadays was talk to Ludwig, never to him. It was strange, really. Feliciano always had a considerable amount of friends. Just a few weeks ago he had spent a good amount of time with a quiet Japanese boy named Kiku. Not long before that he had been hanging out with another group. Before now, he had never seemed so intent on spending every waking moment with _one_ person in particular.

Lovino heard the door open and switched off the television. He hadn't been watching it anyways. "Feliciano? Is that you?" He was met with silence.

He thought he had been hearing things until he heard the door shut. Growing more concerned with every second that passed, he rose to his feet and walked towards the door. "Feliciano?" He said again. "Hello?"

Silence. Lovino narrowed his eyes in confusion and rounded the corner. Feliciano was simply leaning against the door. Lovino sighed and rolled his eyes. Feliciano could be such an airhead sometimes. "There you are. Why didn't you answer me?" When he got close enough the look Feliciano in the eyes, he stopped dead in his tracks. His face was white as a sheet and his eyes were unseeing. Disturbed by the odd sight, Lovino grabbed him by the shoulders. "Feliciano!"

Feliciano snapped back into awareness and finally met his gaze. "What? Oh, hi Lovino." His voice was quiet and distant.

Lovino exhaled in relief. "Finally! What's wrong with you?" He snapped. His mind raced with possibilities. In the end he could come to only one conclusion. "Did that bastard do something to you? Is that why you're like this?"

"No!" The suddenness of his response caught Lovino by surprise. "No, Ludwig didn't do anything! Nothing happened with Ludwig! Nothing!" He sounded frantic and desperate.

Lovino released his shoulders and took a step back. "Um, alright." He paused and stared back at him. It wasn't until then that he realized Feliciano was trembling. His blood ran cold. This was getting way too weird. "Feli, you're scaring me. Are you sick?"

"No. No, I'm fine. Not sick." Feliciano said. When he smiled, his mouth quivered.

Lovino looked him in the eyes. Feliciano looked away. "Feliciano." He said. "If something is wrong, you need to tell me." He felt his pulse quicken and his chest tighten. He had never seen his brother like this.

"Nothing is wrong!" Feliciano nearly shouted the words. Lovino's eyes widened. "I'm sorry! I…" Feliciano trailed off and shook his head. "I'm going for a walk. Tell grandpa."

"Feliciano!"

Before Lovino could stop him, Feliciano opened the door and ran out into the darkening sky.

.

Come Sunday, Lovino was sure the previous week had been the longest of his life. He spent more time than not in his room, worrying and thinking and trying not to drive himself crazy without success. His conversations with his grandfather were short and dry. In reality, Lovino knew this wasn't new- he was simply noticing it more. Lovino felt there was nothing to talk about. Nothing he was comfortable sharing or admitting to, at least. With Feliciano barely talking to them, the silence was that much more noticeable.

"Are you sure you're alright, Feliciano?" said Lovino for what must have been the millionth time as they walked into the church.

Feliciano's strange mood from Friday still lingered in his eyes, if only barely. When he had returned after his 'walk' nearly two hours after he left, he seemed more or less fine. He wasn't perfect, but he didn't look like he'd seen a ghost anymore, either. Since then he seemed preoccupied. The entire week, a vague feeling of wrongness fell between them whenever they spoke.

Feliciano tilted his head slightly. "Yes, I'm fine! You worry too much, Lovi."

Doubt clouded Lovino's mind. If anything, he wasn't worrying enough. "What do you think about this confession thing?" He asked. He had avoided the topic for the entire week. Now that it was only about an hour away, he couldn't dodge it any longer.

Feliciano's smile fell in an instant as his words sunk in. "Oh. Well, I'm a little nervous I guess, I've never gone to it here, but I'm sure it'll be okay." His voice fell as he neared the end of the sentence. His eyes drifted to his shoes. "How about you, Lovino? Do you know what you're going to say?"

Lovino tightened his hands into fists, digging his nails into his palm. He had no idea what he was going to say. He didn't want to say anything. "I'll figure it out." He mumbled.

Lovino caught sight of Antonio the moment they entered. He was hardly surprised, but his heart skipped a beat in spite of himself. He didn't think he would ever get used to those green eyes staring back at him. He tore his eyes away when Feliciano tugged on his sleeve. "I need to talk to Ludwig and I can't find him." He said. His head flicked side to side in nervous, jerking movements.

Lovino just stared at him. "Feliciano, we walked in five seconds ago. You just saw him Friday, didn't you?" His mind raced back to the strange occurrence and he mentally cringed. "Haven't you spoken to him since then?"

"No." He said. Lovino was taken aback. Feliciano hadn't gone two days without speaking to Ludwig since he met him. Feliciano continued to look around, nervousness evident in his eyes. "Lovino, I can't find him! I need to talk to him before we go to confession, this is really, really important!"

Lovino sighed in resignation and looked around the crowded lobby. The very first thing he saw was Antonio, who smiled back at him. He quickly looked away, an embarrassed flush starting to form around his collar. It was as if his eyes had a magnetic pull. Finally, he looked behind him and saw Ludwig walk through the door. He tapped Feliciano on the shoulder, pointed behind him, and in the blink of the eye he was gone.

Before he could stop himself, Lovino looked in Antonio's direction again. Their eyes met within seconds and locked for what seemed like decades. Antonio finally smiled again and walked towards him. Lovino swore under his breath and looked away, infuriated with himself when his stomach flipped at the sight. It wasn't like he cared if Antonio spoke with him or not. Whatever. It's not like he had anyone else to talk to.

"Lovino, it's so nice to see you again." Antonio said. He still had that damn grin on his face; the grin that made Lovino feel electric sparks run across his skin.

Lovino didn't look at him. "Whatever."

Antonio chuckled. Lovino grit his teeth. "How are you and Feliciano?"

Lovino forced himself to look him in the eye and suppressed the stirring in his chest. "Feliciano is terrible. He's acting really weird."

"Oh no," said Antonio. His smile fell. "What happened?"

"He won't tell me." Lovino sighed and shook his head. "He won't even tell our grandpa, so whatever it is, it's bad." He twisted around and looked for his brother. He and Ludwig were nowhere to be seen. He sighed. Deep down, he was tired of having the same conversation whenever he saw Antonio. How he was doing, how Feliciano was doing…it felt too dry, too casual for what he felt.

Lovino was hit with a sudden realization. "If you're so worried about Feliciano, why don't you just talk to him? Why do you always ask me?"

Antonio looked like the fact had just dawned on him as well. He blinked away his confused expression. "I don't know if it's my place to say anything. If he won't talk to you, I doubt he would talk to me." He sighed and finally smiled again. "Besides, I enjoy talking to you."

"You enjoy talking to me." Lovino repeated the strange words under his breath. He had to say it out loud, thinking that would somehow make it easier to believe. It didn't. His response was instinctual. "You don't mean that, bastard!"

Antonio ignored the insult. "Of course I do, Lovi."

Lovino's throat nearly closed when it hit him- he didn't want Antonio to get close to Feliciano, or anyone else. He wanted Antonio to himself. He felt horribly selfish- not to mention ridiculous- when the thought passed through his mind, but he couldn't stop it. What was happening to him? The feelings rushing through him were completely foreign. The urge to hold Antonio's attention and to be physically close to him, the way he felt his skin burn whenever he looked at him- it all dumbfounded Lovino. He had lost all control over it, and it terrified him.

Lovino couldn't stop himself for saying what had been on his mind for so long. "Antonio." He took a deep breath. Maybe it would be okay to let his guard down, just this once. "Why are you always talking to me? Why do you care so damn much? It doesn't make any sense."

For a brief moment, Antonio seemed confused. Then his eyes softened in understanding. "Because, Lovino." Antonio reached out and touched his shoulder. The area he touched buzzed with electricity, and Lovino made a half-hearted and ultimately unsuccessful attempt at shrugging his hand off. "You deserve to be cared about. I like you. Won't you believe that?"

Lovino felt his heart jump into his throat and he found himself at a sudden loss for words. No, he didn't believe that. No one else ever told him that, those sentiments were reserved for Feliciano, or for anyone but him. Antonio said something else that he didn't really hear and ushered him inside the main church when the time came, but Lovino didn't really hear the sermon, either. All he could think about was Antonio's words. No matter how much he didn't want to admit it, Antonio was frustratingly, annoyingly wonderful.

And had no idea why he was wasting his time caring about someone like him.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	8. Chapter 8

_If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (John 1:9)_

* * *

Before he even realized the sermon was over, Lovino was sitting with the rest of his group in one of the back pews, lined up like prisoners. He was sandwiched between Antonio and Feliciano, and he didn't dare look at either of them. He knew Feliciano would be exchanging nervous glances with Ludwig, his posture stiff and his hands clasped together. More than anything, Lovino knew Antonio would be looking at him. He could almost feel his eyes burning his skin. No one spoke. It was as if they were all awaiting their deaths.

Antonio, more than likely using his supposed mind-reading powers, noticed the tension immediately. "This will be fine!" He said it cheerfully, but it felt forced. "This is meant to be a pleasant experience to bring one closer to God. No one is judging you. I promise!"

Lovino finally looked at him, ignoring the little whooshing feeling in his chest when he did so. He couldn't help but notice how vapid Antonio's words sounded, the way his eyes flickered ever so slightly and how his fingers curled into his hand. His thoughts drifted back to their conversation in the coffee shop. If Antonio really did spent as much time in reconciliation as he said he did, this situation was likely tied with less than pleasant memories. Lovino felt a dull pang of sympathy and closed his eyes. No. He absolutely refused to care. He could not afford to care.

"Is this anyone's first time?" asked Antonio. He seemed almost desperate to fill the silence.

Lovino looked down the row. Alfred and Matthew raised their hands hesitantly.

Antonio smiled reassuringly. "Know that whatever you say is confidential. The priest is acting only as a stand-in for God." He said it like he was reading off a script.

Alfred looked puzzled. "Isn't God, like, all-knowing or something? Shouldn't he just know what we've done and if we're sorry for it? Does he really need a stand-in?" Before Antonio had a chance to respond, Alfred's comment was met with a swift kick to the shin delivered by none other than Matthew. Alfred groaned in protest. "Mattie, you're so mean."

Matthew smirked in response.

Lovino chuckled slightly. He glanced at Feliciano, expecting him to do the same. What he saw instead was nothing short of heart breaking. Feliciano's eyes were fixed straight ahead and clouded with worry. Lovino squeezed his knee. "Feliciano, it'll be fine. Besides, you do this with Grandpa before Christmas and Easter."

Feliciano finally looked at him. "Well, yes, but this time…" he trailed off and glanced briefly at Ludwig. "I don't know, Lovi. I'm just nervous."

Lovino was nervous, too. The difference was he wasn't daring enough to admit it. Whether or not that had anything to do with Antonio's presence, he couldn't be sure- who was he kidding? It had everything to do with Antonio being there, sitting next to him and looking at him with those damn green eyes. That was the only reason he was hyper-alert about every word that passed his lips.

Antonio leaned over and looked at Feliciano. "I get nervous too, Feli. I'm actually pretty nervous right now." He said. "The first time I went to confession, I was so nervous I actually forgot what I was going to say, so I made it all up."

Feliciano's eyes widened. "Really?"

Antonio nodded. "Yep! Funny, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that is pretty funny." Feliciano almost laughed. "I guess it'll be fine. I mean; it can't get much worse than that!"

Antonio laughed into his hand. "No, it really can't."

Lovino rolled his eyes, though part of him was amazed by Antonio's willingness to speak about something that embarrassed him. "You forgot what you were going to say? Are you really that stupid?" He asked quietly.

Antonio ignored the question. "Are you nervous, Lovino?"

_Yes. _"No. I'm fine." _Liar._

Before Antonio could ask another question, Lovino saw a man dressed in robes saunter into the confessional without uttering a word to any of them. It was that same priest- O-whatever, Lovino couldn't be bothered to remember his name. He felt a surge of ambiguity the second he laid eyes on him. Somehow, Lovino knew this wasn't going to be quite like your average confession. He suddenly felt jealous of the other groups that were given different priests.

Antonio sat completely still for a moment. Once the silence got to the point of deafening, he grinned tightly enough that it was obvious it was feigned. "I suppose I'll set an example and go first."

He hesitated briefly before standing up and walking into the confessional. Lovino wanted to grab his arm and scream _'for your own sake, don't do it!' _but in the end, all he could do was sit still as a statue with his eyes glued to the floor. All Antonio was going to do was talk to a priest, so why did Lovino feel like he was watching him walk to a guillotine?

He must have stared at his shoes for years, not moving, not thinking, barely aware of anything going on around him. It wasn't until he felt himself being jostled that he snapped back into responsiveness. "-vino! Lovino!" It was Feliciano's voice.

Lovino's head snapped up. "What is it?"

Feliciano stared at him. "I've been trying to get your attention forever! You've been staring at the ground for so long, I thought you were sick or something!"

"Oh." Lovino shook his head as if the action would straighten out his tangled thoughts. "No, no I'm not sick."

Feliciano looked unconvinced but said nothing. Lovino turned away and glanced at the confessional's door, not able to help but wonder what was going on behind it. His eyes unfocused, but before he could slip into another trance the door opened, revealing Antonio. Lovino didn't fight the flood of relief that washed over him when he noticed he was smiling.

"See? That wasn't too bad," said Antonio. "Now who wants to go next?"

No one said a thing, everyone's reluctance painfully evident. Lovino closed his eyes and took a long breath. Maybe if he went first and emerged unscathed, Feliciano wouldn't be so scared. "Fine. I'll go." He said.

Antonio smiled warmly and focused his eyes on Lovino, who immediately looked away. The last thing he needed before he spoke with a priest were those eyes burning into his skin, invading his thoughts. Lovino stood up and walked towards the door only to freeze when he felt Antonio's hand on his back. "Good luck, Lovi. You will be fine." He whispered as he passed Lovino and slipped back into his seat.

It took every once of strength Lovino had to push Antonio from his thoughts as he walked grudgingly into the confessional. He tried to sober his thoughts, to concentrate on the resurrection of Christ or the few bible verses he remembered. After all, there was probably something wrong with having impure thoughts walking into confession, and Antonio was the very _personification_ of impure thoughts. That bastard.

Lovino opened the door and sat down with more force than he intended, causing a rather loud _thud _to fill the claustrophobia-inducing room. He wracked his brain to try and remember how this worked. "Um…forgive me Father, for I have sinned?" It came out as more of a question than a statement.

He had to bite down on his lip to stop a stream of curse words as the curtain was flung open. On the other side was an older man with thinning grey hair and a perpetual scowl that reviled Lovino's. "When was your last confession?" He said, his voice void of any emotion.

Lovino could feel his heartbeat pick up. The last time he went to confession, he was able to keep the curtain up. The last think he had expected- or wanted to do- was to look this man in the eyes. "Uh, fifth grade."

The minute he said it, the priest crinkled his nose. "That long? You don't think you've sinned since then?" He didn't even attempt to hide his sarcasm.

This was undeniably different than the last time. "I haven't really been going to church," said Lovino. "I mean, I-"

"I'll take that as the start of your confession." He said, rolling his eyes. "I swear; we get more and more fake Catholics here every year."

Lovino began to fantasize about jumping up from his seat and punching this guy square in the mouth. He had to grip the arms of chair to prevent himself from doing just that. "Alright." He said through gritted teeth. He supposed that was his cue to start, even though he hadn't given any real thought to what he was going to say. He fixed his eyes on his shoes, suddenly embarrassed.

"I swear a lot. I'm not always respectful to my grandfather. Sometimes I lose patience with my brother," said Lovino. Then, his mind went blank. There was a long, terribly uncomfortable pause. He didn't dare to look up, but he could feel the priest's accusing eyes boring into his skull.

"You haven't confessed since you were a child and that's all you have to say?"

Lovino finally looked up, shocked by the obvious frustration in his voice. He felt a pang of annoyance rush through his blood. "I don't remember everything I've ever done, you know!"

His eyes narrowed in a way that made Lovino forget he was angry. "I suggest," he said, "that you do not raise your voice to me. I am a man of God."

It sounded more like this man believed he _was _God. Lovino resisted the overwhelming urge to toss the bible sitting next to him at his face as a distraction and run away. "Uh, well…" He tried almost desperately to think of something else to say. This priest angered him, but he intimidated him just as such. Lovino noticed his hands were shaking and balled them up at his knees.

The priest grimaced. "How about impure actions? God knows you teenage boys are always guilty of that."

Lovino's heart about stopped when he realized what he meant. What he was being asked to admit to was such a private, personal thing that he wouldn't dream of even mentioning. The worst part was the second the phrase 'impure actions' landed on his ears; his unruly mind went to Antonio's accent, sun-kissed skin and bright eyes- oh god, NO! There was absolutely no way, he didn't think of Antonio that way. He didn't!

"I mean, I guess," said Lovino, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. This whole thing felt similar to that dream everyone seemed to have: the one where they're naked in public. He felt just about as exposed.

It was clear the priest was loosing patience. "You guess or you do?"

"I do! Alright?" Lovino blurted. He instantly felt even more exposed, maybe even violated.

"How often?"

There was no way he had heard that correctly. Lovino broke eye contact and bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood. He needed the pain to distract himself from the shame that overtook his body. "Once a week, maybe?" He said quietly.

"That's a mortal sin. Behavior like that is delivering you to hell in a hand basket!" He nearly shouted the words. Lovino wished then more than ever that he could sink right into the floor. So much for not being judged. "Sexual immorality is a very grave matter, young man. It says so in the catechism."

Lovino felt like he might just lose consciousness. "Alright!" He said. "Alright, I understand! I won't do it again, can we just wrap this up?" He was ready to promise he would cut off his arm if it would get him out of there faster.

"Very well." He said. Lovino let out a sigh of relief. "Get on your knees."

That, he was _positive _he hadn't heard correctly. Lovino stared at him with wild eyes. "Excuse me?"

The priest stared back at him. "I'm going to bless you." He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Lovino figured this would end sooner if he didn't argue. After swallowing every remaining piece of his pride, he closed his eyes and sunk to the floor. When he felt the man's hands touching his shoulders, he was overcome with a sudden nausea and tensed up instinctually. He took to screaming internally to block out the priest's words, to dissociate his thoughts from whatever was happening. Lovino got mildly uncomfortable when his own grandfather hugged him. This made him feel like an animal.

After what felt like an eternity, the pressure on his back was lifted. Lovino clambered to his feet. "Are we done?" He cursed himself when his voice caught.

The priest grimaced at him. "Your penance is to say five Hail Mary's and read Mark 9:47. Take the passage to heart." His words were firm and his eyes held a warning.

Lovino nodded and turned towards the door. It took him a moment to actually open it since his hands were trembling so badly. He knew what had just happened shouldn't have been as upsetting as his mind was making it out to be, but he truly felt as if he had been molested. Telling himself that was ridiculous didn't make it any better. Either way, he knew he had to put on a brave face for Feliciano. So that's what he did.

He made his way to the pew and sat down next to his brother, making a monumental effort not to lock eyes with Antonio in the process. "That wasn't bad." He said to Feliciano. He even smiled to complete the façade.

Feliciano smiled, albeit weakly. "That's good, Lovi!" He turned around and looked at the clock in the back of the church. "You were in there for awhile though, is everything okay?"

Lovino tensed up. He wanted to scream 'NO' at the top of his lungs but held back the urge. He fought to keep his faux smile in place. "Everything is fine. Do you want to go next?"

Feliciano just about jumped. He shook his head quickly. "We've decided Ludwig will go next! Right, Ludwig?"

Ludwig nodded. "Yes. I will go now." He said as though he was answering a command. He stood up and walked towards the confessional as if he were marching into battle.

Feliciano rested his chin on the back of the pew and watched Ludwig until he disappeared into the confessional, much like a puppy would watch their owner from the door when they were left at home. The second the door closed, Feliciano shot to his feet. "I'm going to the bathroom!" He said. Before Lovino had time to react, he was gone.

With Feliciano and Ludwig both gone and Alfred and Matthew sitting at the far end of the pew, Lovino was once again more or less alone with Antonio. If there was a god, he was sure he either had it out for him or was smiling down on him. And he had no idea which one of those options was more fitting.

"Lovino." Antonio's voice was soft and teeming with concern. Lovino tried not to look at him, he really did. In the end, however, the magnetic pull of his eyes forced him to lose that battle. Antonio continued only when they made the unspoken agreement to hold eye contact. "Lovino, you're shaking."

Lovino looked down at his hands in horror. To his utter dismay, his hands were in fact trembling likes leaves in the wind. He shoved them in his pockets and scoffed. "Whatever. It's cold in here."

Antonio looked at him and raised an eyebrow. Lovino couldn't say he was surprised that he didn't believe that pathetic excuse, considering it was actually pretty warm inside the stuffy church. "Did something happen?" He asked.

Lovino looked away. A tiny voice from somewhere deep inside of him demanded that he tell Antonio everything, but a much louder, more convincing voice was insisting that he was overreacting. Was he really so petty that being forced to admit to vulgar acts then having his shoulders touched _traumatized _him? He thought back to the incident and cringed. Apparently it was. That was utterly childish, dammit.

"No." Lovino attempted to say it firmly, but his voice cracked. Fantastic.

"Lovino…" Antonio said again. His eyes were so sympathetic, but Lovino had to persuade himself into thinking it annoyed him. That was all he could do to prevent himself from burying his face in Antonio's shoulder and crying.

"Nothing happened!" He nearly shouted the words. He sighed heavily and rested his head in his hands. _Stop being such a baby, you fucking idiot! _Lovino winced at the intrusive, painful thought. "God, nothing happened. Nothing happened…"

"Did he yell at you?" asked Antonio.

Lovino swallowed. "It's no big deal."

Antonio shook his head. "Things were not always like this." He said under his breath. "I'm sorry he upset you, Lovi."

"I told you he didn't upset me!" snapped Lovino. Antonio looked at him doubtfully. "Fine. Maybe just a little." _You sound like an idiot. _Lovino bit his lip so hard he tasted blood.

"It's over now. You're okay." Antonio didn't speak like he was only trying to comfort him or get him to stop talking, like so many people had done in the past. He spoke as though he understood exactly what Lovino was feeling, because he lived through it.

Lovino's breath caught in his throat when he felt Antonio's hand covering his. His body temperature doubled in two seconds flat. The same voice that insisted Lovino was being ridiculous and that he sounded like an idiot demanded that he pull his hand away, that he swear and push Antonio away. This time, however, Lovino didn't listen. All while pretending he didn't notice, Lovino looked at the floor and let Antonio's warm hand linger on top of his until Feliciano came back.

When Feliciano did return, he didn't say a word. He only watched the confessional's door until Ludwig emerged from it, then immediately bolted from his seat and walked towards it. Lovino was beginning to get worried. Okay, worried was a complete understatement. Lovino was beginning to panic. Part of him believed that Feliciano's strange moods and worrisome questions were all somehow leading up to this moment.

His worries were only confirmed when Feliciano exited the confessional. Lovino shot up from his seat and raced towards him only to notice he had tears in his eyes. "Feliciano! What happened?"

Feliciano opened his mouth as if to speak, but the minute he tried to the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes finally did. "He…" Feliciano bit back a sob and Lovino swore his heart physically broke in half. "He yelled at me, Lovino. Like, really bad." He shook his head and wiped his eyes. "Tell Ludwig to come find me, I need to talk to him…" His words faded out in a horse whisper, and before Lovino could stop him he was running out the door.

"Feli!" The second Lovino said it; he knew it was in vain. There was only one person Feliciano would talk to these days, no matter how angry and jealous it made him.

He walked back to the pew and looked at Ludwig with the most intimidating face he could muster. "Go get him." He said, his voice low and firm. Ludwig appeared to understand immediately. In fact, he almost looked afraid. He nodded and swiftly exited the church.

Alfred, who had been looking on in bewilderment, finally spoke. "Dude, is he okay?"

"None of your business, Alfred!" said Matthew.

Lovino didn't even look at them. He stood next to the pew in complete shock, having absolutely no idea what to do next. Should he run after Feliciano? Should he let Ludwig handle it? Despite whatever the correct choice was, all he really wanted to do was run home, get under the blankets and pretend none of this happened.

Antonio stood up. "Alfred, please go do your confession. Matthew, go after him." He said without looking at either of them. Alfred nodded and rushed off. Antonio looked Lovino in the eyes. "What happened?"

Lovino grit his teeth to prevent from crying. All he knew was that whatever was happening was tearing him and his brother to shreds and he had no idea how to stop it. "That priest upset him." Lovino tried and failed to remember his name. "God! What was his name again?"

"Father O'Brian." Antonio said gently. He adjusted his hair and sighed. "I'm so sorry, Lovino. This is such a mess."

Then Antonio tried to hug him, and by God, Lovino almost let him. He almost admitted to himself that he wanted him too. Then he came to his senses and realized that the absolute last thing he needed when his family was falling apart was the wave of confusing emotions Antonio always caused him to have.

Just before Antonio touched him, Lovino shoved him away. He forced his mind to go blank and detached himself from his words. "Go away! God, you're such a bastard!" He ran out of the church before he could see Antonio's hurt face and go back on his decision. There were bigger problems to worry about.

Lovino reached that lobby just in time to see the scene unfolding. Feliciano was standing a good distance away from Ludwig, his hands balled into fists by his sides. That surprised Lovino straightaway. Feliciano was never one to show any kind of anger. However, the words he heard his brother shout surprised him even more. "Just go away, Ludwig! I can't do this!"

Ludwig took a step towards him. "Feli, please…"

"Don't call me Feli! I can't even be around you right now, it's too much!" Feliciano wiped his eyes in one quick, spastic motion. Lovino could hear him let out a sob despite the fact that he was standing a good distance away. "I'm sorry, _dio mio, _I'm so sorry…" With that, Feliciano was running towards the doors.

"Feliciano, wait!" cried Lovino. He almost ran out the doors too, but he knew he had something to do first. He stormed over to Ludwig. "What the hell did you do to my brother?"

Ludwig looked as though he had no idea what was happening either. "I didn't do anything! If I knew how to fix this, do you not think I would do it?"

Lovino's mind was on overdrive. "You must have done something, you bastard! He's been acting weird ever since he met you!" He jabbed his finger into Ludwig's chest to emphasize his point.

Ludwig opened his mouth but quickly closed it, shaking his head. "This is not my place. If he wants to tell you, he will." He said. "I care about him too, Lovino. I do not want to make this any worse than it already is."

Lovino let out a low growl that sounded more like a scream. "Stay away from him!" He shouted. "I'm serious! If you care about Feliciano so much, do what's best for him and leave him the hell alone!"

He didn't give Ludwig any time to respond. Lovino ran out the doors as quickly as his legs would carry him. The moment he got outside, he screamed. He screamed because in the last five minutes, he managed to hurt two people and did nothing to help his brother. He screamed because he was confused. He screamed because his entire life was falling apart at his feet and he had no idea how in the hell he was going to put the pieces back together.

When he was finished screaming, he ran. It didn't take him long to find Feliciano. He was walking down the sidewalk they always took, muttering to himself in a mix of Italian and English. "Feliciano!" called Lovino.

Feliciano looked and him and quickly turned away. "Go away!" He said, and then took off in a run.

Lovino tried to ignore the rapid pace of his heartbeat and the hot tears in his eyes. "Goddammit, Feliciano, no! You need to talk to me!"

"No!" Feliciano continued to run. Lovino tried to catch up with him, but his brother was always the faster one. He was the slowest person on the planet when someone was forcing him to run, but Olympic gold medalists had nothing on him when he was upset or scared. Lovino half groaned; half screamed in frustration.

The only thing that was left to do was follow Feliciano home and hope to get something out of him then, so that's exactly what Lovino did. He barreled through the twisting, turning roads that lead to his house all while making sure he didn't lose sight of his brother. His breathing was far more labored than it needed to be by the time he reached home. The first thing Lovino heard when he burst through his front door was Feliciano slamming his bedroom door and locking it with a click. He was never more grateful that his grandfather was out.

He was in front of Feliciano's door before he even realized it. "Open the damn door!" said Lovino as he pulled on the unmoving handle.

Feliciano went from shouting to speaking in small, desperate whispers. "Lovino, please, just leave, I can't do this…"

Lovino wanted to leave. The last thing he wanted to do was make this worse, if that was even possible anymore. But in the end, he knew that if he didn't get to the bottom of this now, he never would. "Feliciano, I swear to God if you don't open this damn door I will BREAK IT DOWN!"

There was silence, then a click, and finally Feliciano opened the door. His eyes were red and his face was streaked with tears. He held up his hands as if to say _I surrender. _"Please don't hurt me, Lovi…" That was all he could say before he fell into another crying fit.

Lovino felt despair unlike anything he'd ever felt. Whatever anger he had been holding onto disappeared without a trace. Seeing Feliciano like this went against everything that was right in the world. Lovino took a step forward and embraced his brother, holding him as tightly as he could. "Oh, Feli," He said. "I'm not mad. No one is mad, okay? No one is going to hurt you."

Feliciano's shoulders shook under his grip. He held onto Lovino like he would never hug anyone again. His voice came out in a whimper. "L-Lovi, you're going to hate me…" He pressed his face into his shoulder and his breathing quickened. "You'll never speak to me again, _dio mi salvi, dio mi salvi…_" He repeated the phrase almost compulsively until it became nothing more than a jumble of sounds and tears.

Lovino felt a new wave of panicked nausea hit him like a current. "Feliciano, look at me." He said. Feliciano hesitantly lifted his face from his shoulder and did as he was told. "You need to tell me what's going on. Whatever it is, it won't be enough to make me hate you."

"But Lovino…"

"Feliciano, please." Lovino's tone was bordering on desperate. "Bottling all this up isn't helping."

Feliciano opened his mouth as if to continue protesting, but he quickly shut it and nodded. "You can't tell Grandpa." He said quietly. Lovino nodded. He was ready to agree to anything, as long as it ended this disaster. Feliciano reluctantly broke away from the embrace and sat down on his bed, beckoning for Lovino to join him.

Once Lovino was sitting down, Feliciano twisted his hands together and stared into them. "I don't know where to start." He said.

Lovino wasn't sure he was ready for him to start. He took a deep breath and faked a stoic face anyway. "Why don't you tell me why you were yelling at Ludwig?"

Feliciano's eyes widened like he had forgotten. He buried his tear-stained face in his trembling hands. "Oh God, Ludwig…" Lovino instantly knew he had picked the wrong place to begin, but Feliciano eventually continued regardless. "Well, you know we went to the movies on Friday, right?"

How could he forget? That was the day Feliciano's spiral into this had become too prevalent to ignore. He nodded. "Yes, I remember."

Feliciano hung his head in what looked like shame. "Something happened that day." He said. "Something bad."

Lovino swallowed hard and nodded, making sure not to show any emotion besides gentle encouragement on his face. "Alright. What happened?"

"He, well, I mean, I…" Feliciano shook his head. "I can't do this! All of this is so confusing and it doesn't make any sense and I hate it!"

Something about this reminded Lovino of the coffee shop conversation he had with Antonio. That alone made him hate himself. He should not be thinking of Antonio at a time like this. "Feliciano, it's alright." He said. "Everything is fine. You're safe." He placed his hand on his shoulder, hoping to make him feel more secure. He knew if he didn't approach this with absolute care, he would lose Feliciano to his emotions and would likely get thrown out of the room. This conversation was akin to walking on eggshells.

Feliciano nodded and took in a long, shaking breath. "I kissed him."

The room fell silent as Lovino attempted to comprehend the declaration. This, he had not expected. If he had made a list of all the possibilities, this would be residing somewhere under number ten thousand. His mind pulled at straws, searching feverishly for any explanation that made sense. "You kissed him." He repeated. "Did he take advantage of you? Were you forced?"

Feliciano looked at him with wild, unbelieving eyes. "No!"

"Okay." Lovino was slightly relieved but no closer to understanding. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Was this just an out of the blue thing?" He wouldn't be surprised if it was. Feliciano was notorious for being recklessly impulsive. He never quite learned from the consequences of his actions.

Feliciano shook his head. His voice was calmer this time. "No."

Well, another possible explanation was out the window. "How did you kiss him? Was it a greeting? You know Germans don't do that, don't you?" At least Lovino didn't think they did. He pushed it aside. It was an unimportant detail.

Feliciano shook his head with more force this time. "No, Lovino! I kissed him like you would kiss a girl you like!"

Lovino felt his breath catch. That was an ironic statement if he had ever heard one. If only Feliciano knew. If only Lovino would admit it to himself. "Okay." He said again. He was beginning to feel like a broken record.

"Oh, Lovino, if only Ludwig was a girl!"

Lovino scratched his head uncomfortably. This conversation could only go in one direction, and that wasn't a direction he was thrilled to take. How exactly could he phrase this? "Well, Feli…do you _wish _Ludwig was girl?" He said and then cringed internally. Asking his baby brother about his sexual preferences wasn't how he expected to spend his evening. Well, maybe he wasn't a baby anymore. "What I'm saying is, you've always liked girls. Aren't you attracted to them?" Lovino was sure he had seen Feliciano try (and fail) to flirt with every pretty girl he laid his eyes on.

"That's where it gets confusing!" said Feliciano. His eyes filled with sadness and confusion. "I think I'm broken, Lovino."

Lovino looked at him reassuringly even though he was lost. "I'm sure you aren't broken, but can you at least try and explain this?"

"I guess." Feliciano took on a look of deep concentration, the gears in his head nearly visible. After a long moment, he spoke again. "You know how you see a pretty girl and you think 'wow, that girl is pretty?'" He asked.

"Uh, yeah?" said Lovino. Now he was really lost.

"I don't think that way! I mean, I do, but instead of seeing a pretty girl or a pretty boy, I just see pretty people. Does that make sense? Oh no, it doesn't, does it?"

Something clicked in Lovino's mind. Yes, that did make sense. He even knew there was a term for it. It wasn't coming to him, but he knew it had to do with…pots? "That makes perfect sense, Feliciano." He said.

Feliciano smiled for the first time in hours. "Yay! All right, so you understand, that's good! So, all that matters to me is if the person is beautiful!" He paused and his smile faded away. His tone switched back to somber. "And Ludwig is so, so beautiful." As if the very name triggered an onslaught of painful memories, tears began to slip down Feliciano's cheeks again. "I ruined everything."

"Hold on. Let's go back to the beginning." Lovino drew an invisible line in the air to illustrate his point. "Does Ludwig…_return _you feelings? How did he react when you, er, did what you did?" Silence. Lovino felt his heart sink when he came to the conclusion that had slipped his mind: Ludwig must have rejected him. Even if he wasn't exactly thrilled that Feliciano was so infatuated with a German the size of a house, he couldn't stand to his brother like this.

Lovino's suspicion was immediately shot down. "He kissed me back. He- He said…" Feliciano looked almost too exhausted to continue. He fell to the side and rested his head on Lovino's shoulder. "He said he loved me."

Lovino definitely had not expected that. This conversation was just one surprising answer after another. He resisted the primitive urge to track down this guy and castrate him and instead forced himself to continue speaking. "Okay. That's great. What's the problem?"

"I told him I couldn't spend time with him anymore," said Feliciano. Lovino stared at him blankly. Wait, so _Feliciano _rejected _him?_ "I mean…I think I love him too, but," Lovino tried not to grimace at Feliciano using the word 'love.' Feliciano shook his head. "Does that…disgust you, Lovi?"

The words were daggers. "What? No!" Lovino's response was an honest one. Feliciano's struggles were painfully relevant to his own life. But even if they weren't, even if they made no sense to him at all, he could never be disgusted with his little brother. "Why the hell would you think something like that?"

"Because when I confessed all of that to Father O'Brian, he yelled at me. I didn't even tell him it was Ludwig I kissed. I just said it was another boy." Feliciano clutched his hands together again and his lip began to quiver. "He called me disgusting, he…he told me I would rot in hell. He didn't even give me a penance or forgive me for it! He just kept yelling until I left. I don't want to rot in hell or be disgusting, and I definitely don't want Ludwig to rot in hell or be disgusting either, so I can't see him anymore."

Lovino suddenly remembered what had landed them in this conversation to begin with. He remembered the sermons; he remembered the one day in particular that the priest had gone off on a rant about _'The Homosexual Agenda,' _whatever that was. He remembered the way he said _homosexual _like he was referring to a monster in a horror movie. He remembered the painfully detailed descriptions of hell he seemed to love. Lovino felt a bomb of anger explode in his body. How _dare _that man make Feliciano feel this way? How many people have his words hurt?

Once his anger and partial panic subsided enough to allow Lovino to speak, to move, to even think, he shook his head. "Feliciano, no." He said. "You're not going to hell, and you aren't disgusting!" Lovino tried to steer the conversation in a lighter direction. He was so tired of thinking about confession. "What do you like about Ludwig?"

"Everything! He doesn't think I talk too much and he listens to me. He looks really tough but he's actually really shy and sweet…I can't explain this! I just want to be with him!" When the exclamation fizzled out, the room grew far too quiet to be comfortable. Lovino could almost see Feliciano's newfound self-loathing engulfing him like a dark cloud as new tears sprung to his eyes. How Feliciano had any tears left, Lovino couldn't be sure. "But I can't. I can't… What should I do, Lovi?"

Lovino took a deep breath in an attempt to clear his whirring mind. "Well," he said. "If you like him so much, even though I can't understand why, I think you should tell him that."

"But Father O'Brian-"

"Forget him!" Lovino nearly shouted the words. He was so tired of that guy ruining their lives. He looked around the room frantically and finally spotted Feliciano's phone sitting on his nightstand. Lovino reached over, picked it up and tossed it to him. "Here; call him and work this out."

Feliciano stared at the phone like he'd never seen it before. "I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Please, Feli. Don't let one guy's stupid opinion ruin your life."

Feliciano wiped away a final rush of tears and nodded. He hugged Lovino before he left the room, figuring Feliciano would want privacy. After he shut the door behind him, Lovino leaned against the door just long enough to hear the beginning of the conversation. "Hi, Ludwig? I'm really sorry about before…can we talk?"

Lovino sighed in relief. Feliciano was fixing things with Ludwig, so hopefully _he_ would get back to normal soon. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Lovino knew things were still far from normal. This brought him to two equally terrifying, maddening conclusions: One, he had an undeniable urge to fix things with Antonio, whatever that meant. Two, his will to deny his feelings and identity- his resolve to keep his heart safe- was weaker than ever.

* * *

_Important notes: _

_Dio mi salvi- Italian, means 'God save me.'_

_The word Lovino was looking for when he mentioned pots was pansexuality, the sexuality I headcanon for Feliciano. This basically means someone is attracted to people without really taking gender into account. _

* * *

**_This chapter was actually based on an experience I had myself. The intrusive questions asked by the priest, the bizarre blessing, the feeling of violation afterwards- this is all personal experience. Of course it was changed slightly and dramatized for the sake of the story, but it was not entirely made up. _**

* * *

_To be continued..._


	9. Chapter 9

_And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell. (Mark 9:47)_

* * *

Feliciano had been on the phone for hours. Lovino made the decision to leave him alone, and instead occupied himself by alternating between mindlessly flipping through the television channels and aimlessly pacing the house. Feliciano only hung up the phone when he heard the garage door opening. Lovino had finally stopped pacing and was lying on the couch, his racing mind rendering him only semi-coherent to anything else.

When Grandpa Roma returned home, Lovino and Feliciano put on a performance that was deserving of an Oscar. They acted as if nothing had happened, as if the whirlwind of an evening they had just faced had been the definition of mundane. Lovino had almost broken this trance, however, when Roma brought up confession.

"So, little ones," said Roma after everyone was settled at the dinner table. "I understand you went to confession this evening. How was that? Lovino, I know you haven't been in quite some time."

Lovino stopped drinking mid-sip. Should he tell the truth? If Roma knew what they had done to Feliciano, it could be their ticket out of this torture. "Well, it wasn't exactly great." He said.

He looked up at Feliciano when he heard his fork fall to his plate with a clink. His eyes were wide and panicked_. _Lovino remembered that he had told him not to tell their grandfather, but he had assumed he had meant 'don't tell grandpa about Ludwig.' Had Feliciano really meant that Lovino wasn't supposed to say _anything? _No matter how strange it was; the desperation in his eyes implied exactly that.

While Lovino looked on in confusion, Feliciano broke the short-lived silence. "It was alright. Lovino didn't like it because it took a long time. Right, Lovi?" He said. Feliciano was smiling, but his eyes were pleading.

Lovino nodded wordlessly. He supposed this evening had been exciting enough. There didn't need to be another heated conversation or possible argument thrown into the mix.

Roma blinked away his slightly confused expression and smiled warmly. "Not too terrible, then? That's good. I was never thrilled about going to confession when I was your age." He said with a laugh. "Were you boys given a penance?"

Lovino remembered that yes, yes he had. He grimaced. He figured he went through all of that already, he might as well do the penance and seal the deal, so to speak. What was that passage again? Mark something. Mark…Mark…Mark 9:47. "Yeah." He said. "Just a couple prayers and a bible verse. Nothing huge. Do we have a bible, Grandpa?"

Roma looked at him incredulously. "Lovino, of course we do. Did you really think we didn't?" He laughed lightly and Lovino felt his ears burn. All he did was misspeak, for God's sakes.

"I meant to ask where we kept it." Lovino muttered.

"Bookcase by the TV," said Roma. "How about you, Feli?"

Feliciano visibly tensed. Lovino remembered that he hadn't been given a penance or even a conclusion- Feliciano had been yelled at until it became too much for him. That was the end of it. "Oh! I have to do the same thing. Prayers and a bible verse, yep! That's it!" said Feliciano. He chuckled in that weirdly unnatural way.

Roma didn't seem to notice. "Why don't you two do that before you go to bed tonight? It's easier to sleep when you're right with God, after all."

Feliciano bit his lip and seemed to take a sudden interest in his napkin. Lovino knew Roma had meant well in what he said, but he couldn't help but be slightly annoyed that he had said it. Lovino sighed and looked at his half-finished plate of food- he had lost his appetite. "Can I be excused, Grandpa?"

"Well, sure, Lovino. Is everything alright?" asked Roma.

Might as well lie. He was getting pretty good at it. "I'm fine." Lovino said. "I'm not very hungry. I thought I might as well go do that penance."

Roma nodded. "Alright. Go ahead." With that, he turned his attention to Feliciano and asked about his painting. Lovino carried his plate to the kitchen and grabbed the bible off the bookshelf before retreating to the safety of his room. Feliciano and Roma were likely happy that he left them alone.

Lovino sat down on his bed and opened the bible to the passage he was assigned. During the time he spend searching for it, he grew nervous. God only knows what strange passage someone like Father O'Brian would assign to him. He finally found the passage and Lovino focused his eyes on the tiny print.

_"__And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell."_

Lovino read the words over and over again. What kind of advice was this? Was Father O'Brian suggesting that he yank his eye out? Okay, maybe that was too literal. If anything, the passage was relevant to what he'd been forced into confessing. Lovino remembered the incredibly uncomfortable, humiliating exchange and shook his head rather violently. Perhaps it would be best to forget that ever happened.

In an attempt to force the incident out of his mind, Lovino walked down the hallway to Feliciano's room to give him the bible. Even though he hadn't actually been assigned a passage, Feliciano could read some random paragraph to convince Roma he had. Lovino arrived at his door and knocked.

Feliciano opened it right away. "Hi, Lovi!" He said. Lovino handed him the bible. "Oh, thanks! I don't know what I'll read, though."

Lovino shrugged. "It doesn't matter. The important thing is convincing Grandpa today went better than it did." He paused. "Speaking of that, Feliciano, why can't we tell him? Don't tell me you actually want to keep going back there."

Feliciano flipped through the tissue-thin pages absent-mindedly. "I don't want to keep going for the sermons or the priest."

Lovino was instantly confused. Wasn't that the entire point of going to church? "Then why do you want to go?"

"It's important to Grandpa that we get confirmed," said Feliciano. "I like our group. Ludwig is there, plus Alfred and Matthew seem really nice and I haven't even gotten to get to know them yet!" Feliciano looked up from the book and looked Lovino directly in the eyes. "Antonio is really nice too. And, I think you want to keep seeing him, Lovi. I think he wants you to keep coming, too."

Antonio. Lovino had almost managed to force the thoughts about him out of his mind. "What gives you that idea?" He snapped. "Antonio is an idiot! Besides, he only talks to me because…" _Because I'm always alone. He feels bad for me. _"Because that's his job!" Lovino said finally.

Feliciano smiled and shook his head. "Well, why don't you tell him that then?"

"Tell him what?"

"If you don't want to talk to him, tell him to leave you alone." Feliciano sounded innocent enough, but Lovino knew better. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Lovino looked away. "Because…" He grappled for a decent explanation, for a lie, and finally found one. "He wouldn't do that. He would keep talking to me anyway."

"Really? Have you tried?" asked Feliciano. That cute, unassuming voice was driving Lovino up the wall.

Lovino rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to bed." He said. "Are you sure you're alright? Everything is okay with the potato bastard?"

Feliciano giggled at the nickname. "Yeah, I'm okay now. And everything is fine with _Ludwig, _Lovi. Goodnight!" He said. With that, he shut the door.

Lovino sighed. He may love his little brother, but he drove him insane sometimes.

.

Lovino knew he was dreaming. That much was painfully clear; because he was sure what was happening could never happen during his waking hours. He would never be brave enough to give into this dirty, hidden urge. He would never even be able to admit to having such a craving when he was awake, not even to himself.

That, and Lovino had never been this turned on in his life. And dammit, this dream was _vivid._

Antonio had him pinned against the sofa in the storage room. The setting was painfully ironic, but Lovino was far too occupied to care. The only thing that mattered were Antonio's lips on his neck, his warm hands sliding down his abdomen and the weight of his toned body pressing against his. He had lost his shirt somewhere along the line. In this reality, his arm wasn't scarred.

Antonio finally met his eyes. His green eyes were darker, hungrier. "Lovino…" This wasn't the way that Antonio usually said his name, no. In this dream, this absurd, amazing, confusing and wonderful dream- Antonio was moaning his name, like it took everything he had not to rip Lovino's clothes off. The worst part was Lovino wished he would give in. No. This wasn't what he wanted, this was a nightmare, this was ridiculous- who was he kidding? Lovino knew this was exactly what he wanted; no matter how much that angered or terrified him.

Screw it.

Lovino grabbed Antonio and pulled him against him. Without warning they were kissing, biting, grabbing at each other in desperation. Antonio pressing his hips into Lovino like he couldn't control himself was almost too much to handle. The sensations were almost too real to be a dream.

Lovino ran his hands through Antonio's dark hair, down his tanned chest and across his sculpted back. He wanted to memorize what this felt like, because he knew that the second he opened his eyes, the second this fantasy world broke away, he would return to reality and never experience anything so amazing ever again. This was a dream that could never become reality.

Antonio's hands traveled lower, lower until Lovino was on the brink of losing himself. "Antonio…"

The loudest crack of thunder there ever was erupted in the sky and Lovino's eyes flew open. Just like that, he was back in the bland, frustrating existence that was real life. He groaned. They hadn't had rain for weeks. Out of all the nights it could have stormed, it had to storm like the apocalypse was starting _tonight? _

Maybe it wasn't a coincidence. In a moment of madness Lovino imagined God- who in this instance looked a lot like Father O'Brian- sitting on a cloud and throwing lightning bolts down to earth like Zeus in Greek mythology to stop teenage boys from having dirty dreams.

Lovino fought the urge to cover his head with his pillow and scream at the top of his lungs. The small piece of him that was still being reasonable demanded to know why in the hell he would ever have that dream. In reality, he knew exactly why it had happened. Every touch that made Lovino feel like he was on fire, every long moment of eye contact and every word spoken to him in that lilting Spanish accent was torturous. He could only deny the attraction for so long.

Lovino had to face the horrifying truth. Repressing and denying the existence of that powerful urge, that _want _that nearly ate him alive, was bound to lead up to something like this. Lovino just never acknowledged it. He didn't want to. He wasn't ready. And yet here he was, practically panting with lust and sweating like he'd just run a marathon.

Stupid Antonio. If it weren't for him, Lovino wouldn't have to deal with this crap. He wouldn't have to second-guess himself ten times a day. He wouldn't have to do mental gymnastics to convince himself he felt differently than he did. In the midst of his frustration, Lovino rolled onto his stomach- well, he tried. He quickly understood that he was still far too aroused to sleep comfortably. With the remnants of the dream still lingering stubbornly in his mind, that wasn't going to change.

Not unless he did something about it.

Lovino tried to resist the urge, he really did. He was told it was wrong, that it was dirty. The person in his thoughts driving him to do it probably made it even more so. But the sound of Antonio's moans refused to leave his mind. He sighed softly in resignation and closed his eyes, allowing his hand to wander beneath his waistband. He was grateful for the pounding of the rain. It prevented him from hearing the embarrassing sounds he made when he did so.

"That bastard." Lovino's words fell hot against the pillow and he lost himself in the wrong, ridiculous fantasy. He closed his eyes tighter, let go of the last of his better judgment and his touch soon became Antonio's. "That bastard…" Soon, there was no need for words.

.

The week managed to pass with some semblance of normality. Feliciano wasn't perfect, but after his secret was revealed and his situation with Ludwig was stable, he was getting there. He was smiling more, looking less nervous. He was at Ludwig's house almost more often than he was at his own. Lovino was able to keep Antonio off his mind just enough that he would keep his sanity. Overall, things were calm.

When they arrived at church on Sunday, Lovino made it a point to avoid even seeing Antonio. Instead of loitering in the lobby, he made sure Feliciano found Ludwig then set off to wander the halls. He was somewhat embarrassed to be running away from his problems like this, like a child, but he couldn't face Antonio after everything. He had pushed him away, sworn at him…maybe that was nothing new, but then there was that _dream… _Lovino had no idea how he was going to face him during group.

He found Feliciano and Ludwig again when everyone was filling into the main church. He felt like a bit of a third wheel, but anything was better than sitting with Antonio. He definitely did not want to see him. At the same time Lovino felt empty, knowing that Antonio was there but he wasn't with _him, _not paying attention to _him_. It was truly mystifying, not to mention complicated and aggravating as hell.

Just before the sermon began, Lovino turned to Feliciano. "Feli, I want you to ignore this. Do not take anything he says seriously. Alright?" Feliciano hesitated for a moment and nodded.

Thankfully, the sermon was one of the tamer ones. The threats of hell and mentions of sin were still there, but Father O'Brian spoke mostly about the retreat coming up the following weekend. Lovino froze when he mentioned it. The retreat, of course! How could he have forgotten about it? Then again, maybe it just a good thing that he did. God knows he didn't need another thing to deal with last week.

The walk to group might as well have been a walk to the electric chair. Lovino trailed far behind Feliciano and Ludwig, feeling his heartbeat grow quicker with every step he took. He knew he shouldn't care this much. For his own sake, he shouldn't care at all. But dammit, he _did _care. He cared way too fucking much. When he finally reached the door, he expected Antonio to scowl at him, to ignore him, to make him feel terribly guilty for leaving the way he did last week…

"LOVINO!"

Lovino had run through a lot of possibilities in his mind, but what Antonio actually ended up doing matched up with none of them. He supposed he should have expected that because come on, this was Antonio. Antonio ran towards him like they hadn't seen each other in years, smiling like an absolute maniac the entire time, and hugged him. In front of everyone.

"Lovi, I was worried you wouldn't come today!"

Lovino didn't move. He didn't speak. He just stood there, stiff as a board, face turning red at an alarming pace. He tried to ignore the massive flood of relief and the buzzing sensation under his skin that came with the embrace. All he could do was watch in silent horror as the rest of his group members stared at the scene blankly, more than likely wondering why Antonio was so excited to see him in particular.

Lovino finally came to his senses and broke away. "What the hell is your problem? I decided to sit with my brother today, was it really that big of a deal?"

Antonio shook his head and chuckled lightly. For the first time since he got there, Lovino got a good look at his eyes. The minute he did, a blush spread all the way to his collarbone like a rash. All he could think about was the hungry way those eyes looked at him in his dream, the side of Antonio he would never get to see, the side he wasn't even sure existed- NO! Inappropriate! Inappropriate!

There was a long moment of silence as Lovino shuffled to his seat next to Feliciano, flustered and humiliated but desperately trying to hide it. Feliciano only made it worse when he nudged him with his elbow playfully. "Oh, you are _definitely_ his favorite, Lovino!" He whispered. Lovino didn't answer. He couldn't afford to.

Antonio sat down and starting rifling through his papers like nothing had happened, like Lovino's heart wasn't threatening to explode out of his chest and everyone in the room wasn't staring at him. Thankfully, Antonio didn't take long to begin speaking. "As I'm sure you are all aware, we will be going on our retreat next weekend."

There was a collective groan.

Antonio almost pouted. He could look so young sometimes. "Awe, come on! This will be fine, I promise. I'm sure I will find a way to make it fun." He said with a smile. "Anyways, we will all meet here Friday evening and take a bus to our location."

"Sorry, but what are we going to be doing there, exactly?" asked Matthew. His voice was barely audible.

Lovino realized this was never specified. He looked in Antonio's general direction- making sure to avoid eye contact- and waited for an answer. It wasn't exactly comforting when he saw that Antonio looked just as unsure as everyone else. "Well…" he began. "I'm not entirely certain."

There was a long, awkward silence. Alfred broke it. "So, we're going to be sent off to some weird place to do things we don't know about?" This time, Matthew didn't do anything to stop him from speaking. "That sounds awfully sketchy, bro."

Antonio opened his mouth but quickly shut it. Lovino was shocked when he finally glanced at his eyes and saw they had grown dark, serious. "Guys," he said, his voice firm. "You will all be just fine. Nothing is going to happen and no one is going to harm any of you. I simply won't allow it to happen."

Lovino just stared at him, forgetting that he had ever been embarrassed. The ambiguity in that statement was anything but calming. Did that mean Antonio expected something to happen? If so, what was it? There was only one thing he could be certain about: This 'retreat' was going to be anything but pleasant.

Feliciano seemed to think otherwise. "This is going to be just like summer camp! We can tell ghost stories and everything!"

Alfred turned white as a sheet. "How about we don't do that?" His voice was unnaturally high. Matthew had to cover his mouth to stifle his laughter, and Alfred chuckled nervously when he realized he was. "Not that I'm scared of ghosts or anything, I mean, that would be less than heroic!" The way his voice caught on the word 'ghosts' suggested that was far from the truth.

Antonio bit back a laugh. "I'm sure we'll find a way to entertain everyone." He said. "The permission slips were taken care of during registration, so all you guys have to do is pack. Bring whatever you need, but try to pack light."

Lovino wondered what he should pack. Some kind of weapon for self-defense in case of forced confessions, perhaps? Maybe bring a towel to use after the inevitable holy water dousing? He could think of nothing he could bring to protect him from sleep deprivation, however, knowing that he would likely be expected to sleep mere feet from Antonio. Nothing could prepare him for that.

The rest of group was spent going over menial technicalities about the trip. Feliciano looked excited for reasons that were beyond Lovino's comprehension. He babbled excitedly to Ludwig, made arrangements to share a bunk and called the top one. Lovino shot Ludwig a warning glare. He didn't like the idea of Feliciano sleeping anywhere near him.

Antonio clapped his hands once. "That'll be all. Have a nice week, everyone!" He said. Lovino stood up, intending to get home, sit in his room and try not to worry himself into a tizzy. But of course, Antonio could never let him go that easy. "Lovino, could you stay for a moment? There was a small issue with your paperwork."

Lovino sighed in resignation. "Feliciano, wait for me in the lobby." He said. Feliciano nodded and immediately began talking to Ludwig again as they walked out. He was probably used to waiting for him, since Antonio seemed to want to speak with him after class every damn week. Alfred and Matthew exited the room right behind them.

When Matthew shut the door, Lovino became painfully aware that he was alone with Antonio. That shouldn't have been a big deal, it shouldn't have affected him, but in a moment of absolute insanity he expected Antonio to pounce on him like a wild animal in heat. His face grew hot the second it crossed his mind. That stupid dream just had to complicate everything.

Antonio looked amused. "Lovino, is everything alright? You look a bit flushed."

Shit. "Everything is fine," mumbled Lovino. He did his best to push the memory of the dream from his thoughts. "What's wrong with my paperwork?"

"Your paperwork is fine." Antonio said and smiled slightly. He almost looked shy. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Lovino instantly filled with doubt. "Why?" _Why would you want to talk to me? Why do still pay attention to me after all I've done?_

"Why not?" Antonio sat down on the couch next to him. Lovino could think of about a million reasons why not, but he didn't say anything. "Actually, I wanted to ask about last week…is everything okay?"

That question was more loaded than Antonio probably realized. "There was an…_incident _with Feliciano, but everything is fine now." At least Lovino thought that was the truth.

Antonio tilted his head. "Incident? Is this about confession?"

"Sort of." Lovino shifted uncomfortable in his seat. Should he tell him? Well, Antonio should understand more than anyone. "He and Ludwig are…a thing, apparently. It didn't exactly go over well when he confessed it. He's alright now."

Antonio's eyes widened. "Oh! Oh, wow. That wasn't something I expected!" He said. He blinked away his shock and smiled. "They are pretty cute together."

Lovino glared at him. "Shut up, bastard!"

Antonio chuckled. "Well, you are his older brother." Without warning, his smile faded. "Is that the only reason you're upset?"

"What do you mean?" asked Lovino. He had no idea what he meant by that.

Antonio looked away. "Oh, nothing. I thought it might come as a shock to you that Feliciano would be in that kind of relationship, that's all."

Oh. Lovino knew this wasn't entirely about Feliciano. It was hard to believe Antonio was still hung up about that; still convinced Lovino would pass judgment on him. In an attempt to be dismissive, he shrugged. "I don't know about the kraut, but as long as Feliciano is treated right, I don't really care."

Antonio visibly relaxed. "That's very mature of you, Lovi."

There he went again, using the word 'mature.' Lovino quickly changed the subject. "Why did you hug me in front of everyone?" …And that sounded the opposite of mature. Lovino bit his cheek. Could speaking to Antonio never be simple?

Antonio stayed quiet for too long. Lovino looked at him and- oh no. Was Antonio _blushing? _Lovino quickly directed his gaze to the ground, fearing he might blush as well. Finally, Antonio cleared his throat and spoke. "I was just so happy to see you." He said. His blush deepened and Lovino about died. "I was afraid you were mad at me."

Antonio really did have a way of looking and sounding way younger than he was. "Why would he be mad at you?" Lovino tried to sound annoyed. "That's stupid." This whole thing was stupid. He tried to be mad at Antonio, he tried on several occasions, but he could never quite bring himself to do it. This wasn't supposed to happen to him, dammit.

Antonio smiled sheepishly. "I guess I allowed my imagination to run wild again." He paused again, looking hesitant to continue. "I wanted to give you something."

Lovino blinked a few times, taken off guard and downright confused. "What?"

Antonio reached into his pocket and Lovino looked away. If he were blushing again, it would be the end of him. When he finally looked at him, Antonio was holding a folded scrap of paper. Lovino took it and hesitantly unfolded it. It was…a number? Antonio looked apologetic. "I know this crosses just about every boundary in existence, but I thought you should have it. Just in case you ever need someone to talk to."

Lovino stared at the numbers like he didn't know what they were. He tried to ignore that Antonio had written his name on the paper and dotted the 'I' with a heart. "What makes you think I'd want to call you?" He said, hoping his spiteful words would distract Antonio from the redness forming on his cheeks.

Antonio shrugged. "If you never use it, that's fine."

Lovino could have done a lot of things with that scrap of paper. He could have thrown it back in his face, he could have ripped it into tiny pieces, he could have found a trashcan to throw it in, but instead he placed it carefully in his pocket. Right then, that piece of paper was the most important thing he owned. He didn't even have the numbers of his supposed friends at school. For the first time in awhile, he felt…special.

Lovino ignored the tiny flutter in his chest. "Fine." He said. "I should go now."

Antonio nodded. When he didn't try to hug him, Lovino nearly let himself be disappointed. He fingered the paper in his pocket as he walked out, and he wondered why his eyes were suddenly bleary.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: A huge thank you to Dubstepezio for the lovely fan art! I would also like to thank The Goliath Beetle for the grammar help. You guys should check out their stories. :)**

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_You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7)_

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Thursday evening, Lovino shoved the last of the things he needed into his suitcase. He decided to forgo the weapon, of course. That probably wouldn't have gone over well. Not to mention he didn't actually own a weapon. He did decide to bring the towel, since he wasn't sure what the shower situation would be. For the sake of his pride, he hoped they were private.

Feliciano burst into the room just as he was zipping the suitcase closed. "Lovino! I'm so excited, aren't you?"

Lovino rolled his eyes. Feliciano made no sense more often than he did. "Can't you knock?" He said, knowing all too well the request was falling on deaf ears. "No, I'm not excited. After all this church has done to you, I don't know why you are either."

A pang of worry flashed in Feliciano's eyes, but it vanished as suddenly as it appeared. "The church stuff might not be fun, but at night when we're all in the cabin it's going to be like a sleepover!" Lovino couldn't help but smile. His ability to see the good in everything was refreshing. "Plus I'll get to spend an entire weekend with Ludwig!" Feliciano practically sang his name.

Lovino stopped staring at his suitcase and looked Feliciano in the eyes. "You know you can't be…affectionate with him there, right?" He tried to push the image of Feliciano being 'affectionate' with Ludwig from his mind and focus on the task at hand. "You know their views, Feli. It would be dangerous."

Feliciano slowly nodded. "I know, but I'm still excited just to see him." In just a moment, he was smiling again. "Aren't you excited about spending two days with Antonio?" His tone was slightly teasing.

Lovino resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall when he realized his first instinct was to say yes. How ridiculous. "No. It's going to drive me crazy." That was only half a lie. He quickly veered of the subject. "Are you packed?"

Feliciano looked at him like the notion was ridiculous. "I haven't started."

Lovino sighed. He should have expected as much. "Go pack. Now."

"Roger!" Feliciano ran out the room with a huge grin on his face. Lovino smiled to himself and shook his head. He hoped Ludwig knew how lucky he was.

Satisfied with his packing, Lovino got off the floor and lied in his bed. He pulled his phone from his pocket absent-mindedly and flipped it open. As usual, there were no missed calls or messages. His thumb seemed to press the buttons on his own, and before he knew it he was staring at his contacts. The only numbers he had saved were Feliciano's cell phone, his home number, and since Sunday, one labeled 'Bastard.'

It had taken an embarrassing amount of self-control to not touch that number all week. Even if Lovino did break down and call it, what on earth would he say? _'Hi, Antonio, I'm calling because I want to hear you say my name?' _or _'Hey, no one around me knows I'm alive expect you for some strange reason, let's talk?' _Lovino cringed at the thought. He really was a loser. Antonio likely thought so too. He wished he could say he didn't care what he thought, but Lovino was done kidding himself. He _only _cared what Antonio thought nowadays.

Despite his best efforts to do otherwise, Lovino was still staring at the number on the little glowing screen. His mind started to make excuses for him. Well, he could call him just to double-check the time they were to meet at church the next day. Okay, so he knew they were supposed to be there at seven pm. Still, he could never be too sure, right?

Lovino bit his lip, took a deep breath and pressed CALL with as much confidence as he could muster. He swore under his breath when he realized what he'd done, and his heart pounded uncomfortably hard in his chest in spite of himself. This was so stupid, oh god, this was so, so stupid. He pressed the phone to his ear and held his breath as he listened to the ringing. Maybe he wouldn't even pick up. Maybe he would see that it was Lovino calling and ignore it, maybe-

_"__Hola!" _Antonio sounded as cheerful as ever. Maybe even a bit more so.

_"__Pr-" _Lovino stopped himself when he remembered Antonio wasn't Italian. "I-I mean, um…" Dammit, there was no reason to be this nervous. He closed his eyes. "Hi." He said finally. It was only a simple greeting, for Christ's sakes! Why did it feel more difficult than delivering an entire speech? Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Antonio sounded unfazed. "Lovi! I had thought you threw this number away!" He sounded way too excited, why was he so excited? "Do you need something?"

What did he need again? Oh yeah, he needed the time he already knew by heart. "I wanted to make sure of the time we were supposed to meet tomorrow," said Lovino. He instantly noticed how strangely formal he sounded. "What was it again?"

He heard Antonio laugh on the other line. "That information is all on the church's website, you know," he said. "That's alright. It's seven pm."

"I didn't even know the church had a website," said Lovino under his breath. It was true; he didn't know that. Even if he did, he would rather cut off his arm than look at it. "Whatever. I guess I'll be going."

"Wait!"

Lovino was surprised by the speed of Antonio's response. "What is it?"

"Are you sure that's the only reason you called?" asked Antonio. Just like Feliciano, he sounded innocent enough but Lovino knew better.

Lovino scoffed. "Yes! Why the hell else would I waste my time calling you?"

Lovino could think of a thousand reasons why he would call him, none of which that would supply him with enough courage to actually go through with it. Secretly, in a part of his mind he wouldn't dare to delve into for too long, Lovino fantasized about calling Antonio for no reason at all and simply talking about trivial things that no one else would listen to. Maybe he had hoped that was what this conversation would turn into. But it was always much, much easier to shout, get angry and tell Antonio the opposite of what he felt.

Even though Lovino could not see him, he could somehow tell that Antonio was smiling just as ridiculously as he always did. "I don't know." Antonio almost sang the words, like a child would when they teased their sibling. "I thought maybe, just maybe…you missed me?"

Funny, Lovino had nearly forgotten that Antonio more than likely had mind reading powers. "Don't be so self-important…" Lovino's already quiet words faded into nothing. He felt his angry lies die before he said them. He just didn't have the energy to keep up the façade right then.

Antonio didn't miss a beat. "Are you nervous?"

Lovino almost demanded that he stop reading his mind. He wanted to say that he wasn't terrified of what these people were going to do to him and Feliciano. He wanted to prove to Antonio that he was not a coward, that he actually was mature. And for the love of God, he did not want to admit he had actually never slept away from home before. He opened his mouth, fully intent on saying 'no' as if it was ridiculous, but he couldn't form the simple word. He just could not lie to Antonio or to himself tonight, but he couldn't tell him the absolute truth either, because he _was_ a coward.

Finally, Lovino settled on dodging the question. "You ask such ridiculous things."

But of course, Antonio was having none of that. "It's perfectly understandable if you are, Lovi," he said. "Truth be told, I'm a bit nervous myself."

_He's just saying that. He's saying that to make you feel better. _Lovino bit his lip and wished away the thoughts, but he knew the second they started they would never stop. "Why would you be nervous?" He finally managed to say.

"Because I have no clue what's in store for us," said Antonio. His voice held a genuine edge of uncertainty, but it quickly switched to confidence. "But, Lovino? No matter what happens, I will keep you safe. I promise."

_He thinks you're helpless. _Even if that was true, Lovino wanted to say, _'yes, please protect me,' _even if he had no idea what that should mean. But of course, he couldn't say that. He couldn't even admit to himself that it crossed his mind.

If something inside of Lovino was preventing him from lying to Antonio tonight, he sure as hell could run away from what he wanted to say like the coward he was. Lovino's breath was too fast and his eyes were too wet. "I have to go." He had to struggle greatly to make his voice sound normal.

"Oh." Antonio's enthusiasm died as fast and hard as the burst of confidence Lovino had when he called in the first place -which was a senseless, absurd idea. "Try not to worry too much, Lovi. I will see you tomorrow." He sounded too sweet; too understanding considering what Lovino gave him in return. He always did.

Lovino didn't respond. He couldn't. He just hung up without saying anything like an immature brat, then threw the covers over his head as if to hide from everything. He was so sick of all these frustrating emotions buzzing like bees beneath his skin, torturing him. Antonio was chipping away at his wall with every smile and kind word, and that was simply too much to handle. He decided to call it an early night, and made a silent promise to never call Antonio in the hopes of achieving some stupid fantasy ever again. He chalked it up to another dream that would never, ever become reality.

.

Lovino didn't sleep much on Thursday and he didn't pay much attention in school on Friday. How could he? All he could think about was whatever was in store for them at the retreat. Maybe he was overreacting, maybe it would be fine, but his gut was telling him otherwise. When Lovino wasn't thinking about the retreat, he was thinking about Antonio. When he was thinking about Antonio, he was replaying the train wreck of a phone call he had shared with him on a constant, torturous repeat. In short, Lovino's mind was a complete and utter mess.

Feliciano, on the other hand, looked as though his mind was clear as the cloudless sky above them. "You're so slow, Lovino!" He struggled to hold onto Lovino's arm, pull his suitcase and push his body through the church doors all at the same time.

Lovino pulled his arm away and sighed. Of course he was being slow. He wasn't ready for this. But he supposed that didn't matter, because it was happening. He pulled his own suitcase into the lobby, where he found Antonio as well as the rest of their group standing in the midst the large crowd. Alfred was grimacing, Matthew was grimacing at _him, _and Ludwig was, as always, straight-faced. Antonio looked relatively expressionless until he laid eyes on Lovino. Then, he smiled. Lovino quickly looked away and tried not to wonder how Antonio was _still _happy to see him.

Feliciano ran up to Ludwig, dropped the handle of his suitcase, hugged him and finally kissed him on the cheek in one fluid motion. For a moment Lovino felt a surge of either annoyance or anger, but then he saw the smile Feliciano's face held when he pulled away. He looked happier than he had in weeks. Lovino felt his displeasure melt away and turn to melancholy when he realized that was the last bit of affection Feliciano would safely be able to show all weekend.

His thoughts were cut off when he heard Antonio's voice beside him. "Are you ready, Lovino?"

Lovino finally looked at him. His eyes were bright and cheerful as per usual, practically a miracle given the circumstances. He decided lying would be useless. "No." Lovino scoffed. "No, I'm not ready."

Antonio's expression faltered just long enough to be noticeable. "Neither am I," he said and laughed gently. He met Lovino's eyes and his voice grew quieter. "I suppose we can get through this together?"

Why Antonio would want anything to do with Lovino after the way he hung up on him, Lovino could not be certain. Really, the only thing he _could_ be certain about when it came to Antonio is that he would never completely understand him. "Whatever."

Antonio adjusted the position of the duffle bag draped on his arm. "How about we sit together on the bus?"

Lovino almost laughed at his childish, trivial request. It reminded him of grade school. "Fine. It isn't like I have anyone else to sit with," he said flippantly. In reality, he could think of nothing better.

The buses that were used were actually just borrowed school buses. This really was like grade school, if grade schools frequently carted students off the places that had a possibility of being torture camps. Lovino tried to convince himself he was overreacting in the worst way, but his paranoia won out like always. After their bags were taken from them and stored, Lovino climbed on the bus with Antonio not far behind. He was thankful to see he was one of the first to board.

"I'm taking the window," said Lovino as he made his way to the back.

He could hear Antonio laugh behind him. "Whatever you want!"

Lovino settled in a seat and immediately focused his gaze outside. What was this nervousness, this strange excitement despite everything? Antonio sat beside him and Lovino's heart jumped frustratingly into his throat. He wished these seats were bigger, or smaller, that Antonio would move farther away, that he would get closer… Lovino closed his eyes. This was going to be a long trip.

Antonio didn't say anything until the bus was in motion. When he did, it was only one simple word. "Earbud?"

Lovino pried his eyes from the blurring road and looked at him. Antonio was clutching an MP3 player in one hand and the one earbud he wasn't using in the other. "I thought we weren't supposed to have those."

Antonio shrugged. "Well, I am not a student."

How did Lovino keep forgetting that? Antonio may not act like it, but he was older. He was supposed to be a role model, even though he behaved like anything but. Lovino pushed this aside finally took it from him. At least music would serve as a distraction. When he placed the bud in his ear, he was hit by the sound of a Spanish guitar. "This is… nice."

Antonio nodded. His eyes seemed to be focused on something in the distance, like he was remembering. "Yes. It reminds me of home," he said. "I used to play, but when I got to high school I was far too busy getting into trouble to continue."

"You play guitar." Lovino was hardly surprised. Of course Antonio played guitar. He could probably fly too, because everything about him was strange and fascinating and perfect.

"I was never great." Antonio looked into his lap and that stupid blush passed over his cheeks again.

Lovino instantly knew that was a lie. He bet that Antonio played perfectly, that he put the artists currently playing through the headphones to shame. Without intending to, he found himself imagining Antonio strumming the strings of a guitar somewhere in Spain, singing along to some sleepy song as a crowd gathered around him. He suddenly wished to hear Antonio play, then immediately told himself to stop wishing for things that would never happen. He had been doing enough of that lately.

There was a long silence only filled by the music pouring from the MP3 player. It was a comfortable silence, but of course Antonio shattered it anyway. "Let's play a game!"

Lovino scoffed. "We're on a bus. What could we possibly play?" He said. "How long are we going to be on here, anyway?"

"Just over two hours," said Antonio. "We could play I-Spy."

He was going to be stuck on a bus with Antonio for two hours. Lovino wasn't sure whether to be terrified, annoyed, elated or a ludicrous mix of the three. Maybe 'confused' was the best word, here. He told himself to roll his eyes, but his body didn't obey. "And how in the hell will we play that?" He asked. There wasn't exactly much to look at. He fought the urge to say _'I spy an annoyingly attractive Spanish man,' _since that was about the only thing he could seem to focus on. Lovino glanced at Antonio's eyes and spoke before he thought. "Fine. I spy something green." _Shit._

Antonio seemed unfazed. He looked out the window and smiled. "Trees?"

Lovino felt his entire body relax in what felt like an internal sigh of relief. "Yes. Trees," he said. He was suddenly grateful for Antonio's naivety.

Antonio shot his fist in the air as if to cheer. "Yay, I got it! My turn." He paused to look around, and glanced quickly at Lovino before speaking. "Hm…I spy an adorable, beautiful Italian."

He couldn't possibly mean…? Lovino felt his heart beat dangerously fast in his chest and his face grow warmer than it ought to be. No, that was ridiculous. His thoughts thrown into a frantic rush, Lovino looked across the aisle to see Feliciano fast asleep against Ludwig, who was occupied by the book he was reading. Of course. Antonio must have meant… "Feliciano." There was no other explanation.

Antonio's warm smile died in a millisecond. "Feliciano?" He parroted, seeming slightly confused. He looked across the aisle and raised an eyebrow. "To tell you the truth, Lovino, I didn't even notice he was there."

Lovino rolled his eyes, sincerely this time. "Yeah. Of course you didn't." He said it much more sulkily than he intended. What was this feeling? It couldn't be _jealousy, _could it? There was no way to be sure anymore. If he had to deal with one more new, confusing emotion at the hands of Antonio, he was sure he would be crushed under the weight of them all.

"Lovi," said Antonio. Lovino didn't look at him. "Your brother may be sweet, but I'm looking at most beautiful person I know right now."

Lovino felt his stomach flip on itself and his entire world burst open around him. Surely, he must be joking. Surely… But then he finally allowed his eyes to meet Antonio's, and the sincerity they held was undeniable. He could barely hear the music over the heartbeat that had moved to his ears. This was too much. Lovino could think of only one way to escape this.

"I think I'm going to take a nap." The moment he said it, he realized how tired he actually was. Since he had met Antonio, since Feliciano started acting strange, since his world was turned upside down, Lovino found himself sleeping much less than he probably should.

Antonio nodded in understanding. "Of course."

Lovino sighed and rested his head against the back of the seat. Within ten seconds, he realized that wasn't going to work. He was thrown to either side whenever the bus made the tiniest movement. He tried to lean against the window, but he knew that was going to be uncomfortable before his head even touched the glass. His head repeatedly slammed against the cold, hard window, and when he was able to remain still his head vibrated painfully against it. Whatever. Lovino closed his eyes and attempted to ignore the discomfort.

"Comfortable?" Antonio almost sounded as if he were laughing.

Lovino didn't open his eyes. "Yes."

He heard Antonio choke back a giggle. "Are you sure?"

The bus hit a bump and Lovino's head banged against the window. He winced. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" His words sounded sarcastic without him meaning for them to be.

There was a long pause, and for a moment Lovino thought Antonio was going to leave him alone. Of course, this was not the case. "Lovino, if you wanted to lean against me, I would completely understand."

Lovino's eyes shot open. He thought for a moment that he hadn't heard that correctly, but somehow in the back of his mind he knew he had. "You're kidding, right?" He almost expected that he was kidding. He was not entirely sure whether he wanted him to be or not.

"Nope." Antonio almost sounded amused, yet sincere.

Without moving, Lovino quickly glanced around the bus. Feliciano was fast asleep; Ludwig was still reading, and Alfred and Matthew were a few seats ahead. Everyone else he didn't know, and they looked more or less occupied. He told himself no one would even notice, that it didn't matter, no one would care, that he himself didn't care… "Only because I'm exhausted, bastard."

Antonio nodded wordlessly. Lovino removed the earbud from his ear, took a deep breath and tried not to look as nervous as he felt. Awkwardly and stiffly, he shifted his position and rested his head against Antonio's shoulder. His head spun when his senses were enveloped in the scent of Antonio's clothes, of his hair, of _him. _

"Better?"

Despite his embarrassing nervousness, Lovino realized he was extremely comfortable. He nodded, and a small part of him wished Antonio would put his arm around him. The second the wish passed through his mind he felt silly, so instead he concentrated on sleeping. He allowed his eyes to finally drift closed. Despite the location they would eventually arrive at, there was nowhere he would rather be than here. In just a few minutes, Lovino fell asleep and slept better than he had in weeks.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	11. Chapter 11

**_Author's Note: Someone in the reviews mentioned the documentary "Jesus Camp." I find it necessary to mention that I watched that damn thing about three times as an unintentional horror movie. It actually helped to inspire the next couple chapters. Watch it if you wish, it's terrifying._**

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_There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (John 4:18)_

* * *

When Antonio said his name, Lovino was sure he was dreaming again. Then he felt himself being lightly jostled, and he opened his eyes to see that the bus had stopped moving. They had arrived. Even if he wasn't asleep any more, this was a nightmare. His stomach dropped to his feet and his breath came too quickly as the fear of the unknown overtook him. No matter how unready he was, this was happening. It was happening right now.

The passengers got up and started out of the bus. When Lovino didn't move, Antonio said his name again. "Lovino?" He said. "Are you alright?"

_No. No, no, no… _"I'm fine." With that, he forced himself to stand up and followed Antonio outside.

The campgrounds looked harmless enough. Despite the fact that it had grown dark, it looked identical to your average, far from life threatening summer camp. Lovino retrieved his bag and waited for Antonio to do the same, guessing he would give them some kind of instruction. The rest of their group soon joined him and formed a small, clueless looking cluster in front of the bus.

Antonio looked just confident enough to not cause panic, but not confident enough to be reassuring. "I was just told we should put our stuff in our cabin and then go to the introduction."

Alfred yawned before his face contorted in a tired grimace. "It's like, ten at night. They're making us do something at ten at night?"

His protests were likely the unspoken ones of the entire group. They had all gone to school that day, it had been a long trip, and they were tired. That much was obvious. Antonio looked sympathetic if not exhausted himself. "I'm sure it won't be long," he said. "Let's find our cabin, shall we?"

Lovino walked with the rest of his group – or in Feliciano's case, dragged half-asleep by Ludwig – to their assigned cabin. It didn't look like a terrible place to sleep. It was small, warm and attached to a bathroom. To Lovino's relief, the bathroom included shower stalls. The cabin contained three bunk beds. Feliciano, suddenly completely awake, clamored into one of the top bunks and instructed Ludwig to take the one below it. Alfred and Matthew took another set of beds, which left the last for Antonio and Lovino. Lovino wasn't surprised. It seemed as though things always ended up this way.

Antonio walked up to the last bunk bed and glanced at Lovino. "Do you prefer top or bottom, Lovi?"

Lovino felt his internal temperature double and his heart all but burst from his chest. "Excuse me?" He nearly shouted.

Antonio blinked, looking confused. "All I asked is which bed you want."

Of course, of course he was talking about the stupid beds. Antonio just had a way of making everything sound unintentionally suggestive. At least that was what Lovino told himself. "Right." He attempted to sound nonchalant, like he wasn't growing lightheaded at the thought of sleeping so close to Antonio. "Yeah, I'll take…I'll take the higher up one." He winced at the unnatural phrasing but ignored it, instead setting off to drag his suitcase up the ladder.

Once everyone had claimed beds and used the restroom, it was time to go to this so-called 'introduction.' Once again, cold dread had settled in Lovino's stomach. He hated the unknown, and he always found himself on edge when no one told him what he going to happen. Feliciano was always the one to just go with the flow. Lovino was never great at handling uncertainty. Much to his distain, he found that he was more comfortable walking next to Antonio as they made their way there, so that's exactly what he did. During that time, no one said anything.

They eventually ended up in what looked to be a small auditorium. It looked innocent enough- just several rows of chairs, a stage with a podium, and a few screens. Nothing you wouldn't find in an ordinary church or even a camp of sorts. If that was true, why did Lovino feel an overpowering sense of danger wrap around him like a snake? He was suddenly on edge, as if he expected to be jumped at any given moment. This was the same feeling he got whenever he entered the church back home, only amplified times ten. More than anything, he wanted to break out into a run and not stop until he was home.

"Lovino?"

Lovino jumped and nearly squeaked. He was instantly humiliated when he realized it was only Antonio who spoke. "What do you want?"

Antonio frowned, his brow furrowed. "You've turned white as a sheet. Are you feeling ill?"

"No." Lovino's response was too quick, just a tick too loud. "No. I'm fine. Can we just sit down?" His legs had turned to jelly. He felt that if he didn't sit down he would collapse on the spot, as if he needed any more humiliation that day.

This was ridiculous, dammit. This unfounded anxiety was downright absurd. Everything would be fine. Lovino was sure he was just being stupid, immature and ridiculous just like always. Of course he was acting that way because he _was_ stupid, immature, ridiculous and dammit Antonio was already sitting down and he was still standing around like an idiot.

Lovino quickly sat down next to Antonio near the back of the room. His faint dizziness only grew when he felt Antonio place his hand on his shoulder. "I can take you to the nurse, Lovi. You really don't look well."

Lovino shrugged dramatically to free himself from the burning touch. He didn't need this right now. "I told you, I'm fine. Jesus Christ," he said through clenched teeth.

Antonio looked as though he was going to protest further, but he didn't have the time. The light, fleeting chatter in the room died in an instant when a man appeared on the stage and the lights dimmed. Christ, why were the lights dimmed? It made more sense when what looked like the beginning of power-point presentation flashed on the screens. Lovino hesitantly looked up to read it, and the moment he did his anxiety doubled. In glaring, bright red letters set against a black background were the words: **THE PUNISHMENT FOR SIN IS DEATH. **

He looked at Antonio as if he would have an answer, his eyes wide. "What kind of introduction is this?" His tone was downright accusatory, even though Antonio had done nothing to cause this. He didn't respond, didn't move- Antonio didn't do anything that suggested he was still alive. Lovino wondered if he should remind him to continue breathing.

Now thoroughly confused, Lovino leaned forward in an attempt to read his expression. The look in Antonio's eyes suggested only one emotion- the pure, raw essence of fear. Lovino had to do a double take. This was a look he'd never seen in those usually bright and cheerful green eyes, and he didn't like the change one bit. The terror was contagious, like an infectious disease. His chest tightened like someone had a hold on his lungs. "Antonio?"

He didn't respond.

Lovino knew one thing and one thing only. Something was _wrong. _

There was no time to turn back. There was no time to run, no time to think and no time to block anything out. Before Lovino could even tear his gaze away from Antonio, a video began playing on the screens.

_"__Now, watch closely," _said a man's voice from the screen. It took Lovino a moment to register what he was looking at. Then the scene changed to a drawing of large group of people, standing on rocks over what looked like…a lake of fire. Oh, no. _"Look the all the people that have died in their sins!" _

Lovino felt his hands start to tremble and his breath speed up. He closed his eyes, but that did nothing to block out the words. The voice, accompanied by ominous music, continued. _"Jesus loved these people enough to leave heaven, and warn them about hell and judgment." _No, no, stop, please… _"He shed his precious blood, God's blood, to wash away their sins. He died and rose from the dead…but none of these people believed him!"_

Lovino finally opened his eyes, but avoided looking at the screen at all costs. Instead, he looked down the aisle. Antonio still had that terrifying, shell-shocked expression on his frozen face. Alfred and Matthew just looked dumbfounded. Feliciano had turned to Ludwig, who was desperately trying to keep him calm. Goddammit, he was just getting better! He was just starting to forget about all of this! Lovino quickly realized this wasn't Catholicism or Christianity anymore, it was a cult following. And they had all been thrown directly into the spiral of insanity.

_"__None of them made Jesus their Lord and savior. Instead of choosing life, they chose death." _A blood-curdling scream of agony shot from the screen. Lovino recoiled in his seat, and out of the corner of his eye he could see Feliciano bury his face in Ludwig's shoulder. _"So Jesus, as God almighty and final judge, had to send them here to their final death!" _Another scream. Lovino could almost hear Feliciano crying over the unnecessarily loud video. His heart seized in a strange mix of sympathy and rage.

_"__In the name of God, before you die, before it's too late…" _There was a demonic laugh. Oh, what the hell. Was that even necessary? What was this? Lovino made the mistake of glancing up at the video, only to be met by a graphic depiction of someone burning. He quickly shut his eyes again. _"…Believe Jesus, and make him your Lord and Savior before you end up in this horrible place! The lake of fire is the final place for all who reject Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior." _

After a final recorded scream filled the room, the lights came on. It was over. It was finally over. The video couldn't have been much more than a minute long, but it felt like several decades had passed between the moment it started and the moment it ended. Before anyone had time to recover, to begin breathing again, a man appeared behind the podium. Lovino had no clue who he was, yet he already wanted to throttle him. When he spoke, he sounded much too calm, much too friendly given the atmosphere. "Seems like a bit much, doesn't it?"

A bit much? They had just been shown something that was a thousand times worse than a death threat, something that caused Feliciano to cry, and this guy had the nerve to call it _a bit much? _Lovino grit his teeth and balled his hands into fists without realizing it. It took everything he had to keep from screaming.

"What you were just shown was not meant to scare you!" The statement was so unbelievably false Lovino almost laughed. "In fact, you should be happy. If you all remain on the one, true path, you don't have to worry about any of this!"

Lovino could not listen to this anymore. In desperate need of a distraction, he looked at Antonio for the first time since the video started. His eyes widened at what he saw. Who he was looking at was not the free-spirited, perpetually happy Antonio he knew. His eyes were squeezed shut, his facial expression suggested he was in an unthinkable amount of pain, his chest rose and fell at a terrifyingly fast pace- much too fast to be healthy- and his shoulders trembled like he was a leaf in the wind. This was a sickeningly familiar sight, and Lovino knew what was happening immediately: Antonio was having a panic attack.

A swirl of fright mixed with agony churned in Lovino's stomach. Seeing Antonio like this was the very definition of wrong. Why was no one else noticing this, dammit? Did anyone even _care? _All he knew was he had to do something. "Hey, bast-" Lovino quickly stopped himself. There was a time and place for insults, and this was neither the time nor the place. "Antonio."

Antonio finally opened his panic stricken, fast-moving eyes and glanced quickly at Lovino. He clutched his chest and looked away, looking almost ashamed. Lovino winced and his heart felt heavier, but that didn't matter. The only person that mattered right then was… "Antonio," Lovino said again, softer this time. "You're okay. Everything is fine."

It really was a miracle that no one else was noticing this. The man at the podium continued to ramble on about obedience and the rest of the group gave him their undivided attention. When Antonio finally spoke, it was in quiet, gasping whispers. "I can't do this. I can't. I can't…"

Growing more desperate by the second, Lovino reached across the seat as inconspicuously as he could and grasped Antonio's trembling hand in his. "Listen," whispered Lovino. Antonio looked at him, wide-eyed. "I promise you, everything is fine. You aren't in any danger."

Antonio closed his eyes again and nodded. Lovino felt his entire body erupt in cheers when he realized Antonio was starting to come back to him. He kept whispering anyway, just in case. "Breathe, Antonio." Antonio did what he was told, taking deep, careful breaths through his nose and exhaling through his mouth. Lovino almost smiled, but couldn't. "Good," he said. He knew 'good' was an understatement. Seeing Antonio come back down to earth was nothing short of fantastic.

"Thank you." Antonio breathed the words. _"Dios mio, _thank you, Lovino. I'm so sorry…" He squeezed Lovino's hand tighter as he mumbled something else he could not make out.

Lovino could not take this. He forced himself to look at the man at the podium, anything to save himself from seeing Antonio in so much pain. "Just keep breathing, dammit." The last thing Antonio needed was to send himself spiraling into another fit.

It wasn't that Lovino was simply making lucky guesses as to how to deal with someone in the throws of a panic attack. The only reason he knew was because Feliciano had suffered his first at thirteen, and they reared their ugly heads occasionally to this day. The minute Lovino had a term for it; he had gone to the Internet and done countless hours of research on the subject. What he had learned was fairly simple: Tell the person that everything is all right and they aren't in any danger. Reassure them that they will be okay soon. Don't scream at them, and for the love of God, don't tell them to relax. If they could, they would.

Lovino himself had only had one panic attack in his life. It was when he was fourteen, hadn't slept for several days and worked himself into a paranoid tizzy over a plethora of things. What it felt like was a total loss of control, like he was being tossed into a tornado or falling off the earth's surface. He was incredibly grateful that he didn't suffer from them repeatedly, but he would take them off his brother and onto his own shoulders in a heartbeat if he could. Lovino only had to talk Feliciano down from a handful of these attacks over the years, but they broke his heart in pieces each time.

Why did Antonio have to go through it now? How long had he been going through it? Goddammit, why was everyone around Lovino suffering when he deserved all of it so much more?

After a couple of minutes, Antonio was breathing normally again, the storm thrashing behind his eyes coming to a halt. Lovino found that it was only then that he could breathe normally as well. It was as if someone had tried anvils to his ankles and thrown him in the water, and only now was he able to untie them and break through the surface.

Lovino knew, somewhere between the spaces of his relief and fear, that this was not good. Antonio's emotions were becoming his own. He could feel himself being sucked into Antonio's gravitational pull, and he knew it would not be long before he lost all control. That was absolutely terrifying, but not more terrifying than losing him. Nothing was more terrifying than that, nothing but the fact that Antonio mattered so much to him in the first place. Lovino felt his will to fight his feelings off slipping like rain down a window.

The man by the podium said a few words in closing, and Lovino breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he had managed to tune out most of the speech. He hoped Antonio had too. Heaven knows he had enough on his plate that evening. When the other occupants of the room began to file out of the auditorium, whispering nervously to each other as they walked, Antonio looked as though he had regained enough of his composure to act somewhat normal.

"Alright." He sounded like he was trying to be encouraging, but his voice was far too shaky for that to be achieved. The broken, confused faces of his group members seemed to make him aware of this. He sighed. "It's been a long day. Let's just go to bed."

Only when they reached the cabins, no one was really in the mood to sleep anymore. The way they all glanced nervously at each other made that clear. Everyone was visibly exhausted beyond comprehension, but the heavy, ominous atmosphere that encased the entire campground was too prevalent to sleep through. Lovino knew that sleep would only bring whatever nightmares the next day held faster, and so did everyone else. Even so, an unspoken agreement hung in the air that no one dared break: They wouldn't speak of that video again, not for the entire duration of the trip. Never again would be an even better idea. They wouldn't speculate about the next day, either. With both of those things off the table, there was nothing else to talk about.

No one really wanted to sleep and it was doubtful anyone would be able to, but everyone collectively and silently decided to at least pretend. Lovino changed into his pajamas and started up the ladder, but he didn't get as far the second rung before he felt Antonio tug gently on his pant leg from where he was sitting on bottom bunk. "Lovino, can I say something to you?"

Lovino looked at him and tried to scowl, but it was as if his facial muscles were denying him the luxury. Besides, Antonio looked so innocent, so goddamn _fragile _after what had happened to him that Lovino didn't even want to scowl at him anymore. He didn't have the heart. He sighed quietly in resignation as if to give up on a personal battle, nodded silently and sat beside him. In a moment of madness Lovino thought his heartbeat was so loud he would disturb the others.

Antonio met his eyes in the darkened room. "I wanted to say thank you again, Lovi," he said. The only source of light was coming from the nearly full moon shining from the other side of the window. Lovino did everything in this power not to, but he couldn't stop himself from noticing the way the moonlight enveloped Antonio in a shimmering, silver glow. Lovino felt his head spin and his skin tingle with heat. No, for the love of all things holy, this was wrong in at least a million different ways…God, why was Antonio speaking again? "Really, Lovino. I can't thank you enough."

Lovino used every bit of willpower he had to squash down the bubbling nervousness mixed with desire that stirred in his chest. "Whatever. It was no big deal." He finally managed to say. It wasn't as though he had done anything incredible.

Antonio's smile fizzled out and died. "Not a big deal? I don't know what I would have done without your help." Antonio was speaking so quietly that Lovino had to lean in the tiniest bit to hear him. His heart slammed almost painfully against his ribcage as he did so. Antonio was likely speaking quietly out of courtesy, but at least part of Lovino was convinced he was trying to torture him. "I do apologize you had to see me like that."

Lovino shook his head and spoke before he thought about it. "Will you quit being so damn apologetic? It wasn't your fault." Well, it wasn't an untrue statement. Lovino shook his head again and tried to explain. "Feli… he gets like that sometimes, too. I've learned how to handle it."

Antonio gaped at him for a split second before his mouth twitched into a gentle, slightly incredulous smile. "Wow," he said in a breath. "That's incredibly selfless, Lovino." Antonio broke the tentative eye contact and gazed out the nearby window. "You truly are amazing."

Amazing. First interesting, then beautiful, and now Lovino was being moved up to _amazing?_ His chest seized at the notion. When would this madness end? When would he emerge from this confusing, insane, wonderful and utterly unbelievable dream? He was mortified when he felt tears spring to his eyes. This was absolute proof of why he was anything but amazing. Of course, he could never be amazing. His thoughts became sudden, unthinking words before he could stop them.

"I'm not amazing." Then he looked unintentionally into Antonio's bright, understanding eyes that were looking at only him, looking at him like he really was amazing. Like he was amazing in _his _eyes. Lovino felt those damn tears blur his vision further and he was never more grateful for the dark. The stars must have been aligned a certain way, Lovino must have been in just a fragile enough emotional state, because the thoughts he had been repressing and denying and getting angry at sprung from his lips before he could squash them back down. "I'm not amazing, Antonio. You are."

Shit. SHIT. Lovino snapped back into awareness and reeled back. He had not meant to say that, not at all, never! This was humiliating. This was so bad, he'd ruined everything, what had he done, shit! He had done so much to keep his feelings safe and now he had ruined everything with two stupid, thoughtless words that had slipped his tongue. _"_Oh_, mio dio…" _Lovino muttered under his breath, cursing himself. "Dammit…" He wished he could take it back. Then the realization exploded in his mind and filled his body with ice: He didn't want to take it back. He meant it. "Just…shut up." Antonio hadn't even said anything. Lovino felt a rush of embarrassment and bit his lip to prevent himself from saying another stupid thing.

Antonio didn't respond with words right away. To Lovino's relief, he didn't laugh, either. He only looked at him with those same caring, wonderful eyes before he wrapped his arms around him. Lovino didn't shout or swear or push him away. After a good ten seconds he slowly, hesitantly brought his own arms behind Antonio's back and lowered his head to his shoulder. After all that had happened today, after these weeks of confusion, he felt safe like this. He felt right.

"Oh, Lovino," said Antonio. "I really wish you would give yourself the credit you deserve, because you are wonderful."

This was far more emotional chaos than Lovino could handle in one day, in one lifetime. He expected his rapidly pounding heart to give out on him soon. Thinking he couldn't take a second more of this, he pushed Antonio away, but it ended up being much weaker than he intended. It was more of a mutual end to the hug than a shove. "I'm going to bed." Lovino's voice caught in the middle of his sentence.

"Of course. Goodnight," said Antonio. "See you in the morning."

Lovino climbed the ladder as quietly as he could. It took an impressive amount of control not to fall off the thing considering how dizzy he was. Once he was lying down, he curled up as close to the wall as he could, painfully aware that Antonio was just a cheap slab of wood away from him.

This was too, too much. He had thought that countless times before, but it was _really _too much now. Now, it felt like his heart had swelled to an unbearable size and was near its breaking point, as if Lovino had been reduced to nothing but an overfilled balloon of emotion that he absolutely could not control anymore. He couldn't keep this up much longer, he would go insane, but he did not know how to stop what he was already doing. He felt the tears he had barely been able to hold back roll helplessly from his eyes. He would go insane if he didn't do something, at least _say_ something, but he was so, so scared. And he hated himself for it.

But it wasn't only fear. In the back of his mind, in the bottom of his heart, Lovino knew there was no way Antonio would ever feel the same about someone like him.

There was no way to deny it anymore. In a final act of desperation to relieve the crushing pressure, Lovino balled up a section of the sheet near his mouth and whispered the three words he had managed to hide from Antonio. He said them so quietly that they barely reached his own ears, unsure if he wanted to hear himself say them, entirely sure he was not ready.

_"__I love you."_

* * *

**_Author's Note Part Two: In case anyone was wondering about that video, it's REAL. I didn't change one little detail. Yep, I found it during my research for this fic and it was too insane not to use. So, if you would like to subject yourself to it, it's on youtube. /watch?v=AhBpStd1FMA_**

* * *

_To be continued..._


	12. Chapter 12

_The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. (Psalms 11:5)_

* * *

As expected, no one slept well that first night. Lovino lied awake, his thoughts and emotions destroying him from the inside out all while trying to pretend they didn't exist. On top of Feliciano's quiet, muffled whimpers from the other side of the room, there was a never-ending chorus of blankets being tossed, suggesting no one was comfortable and more people were awake than sleeping. When the alarm clock in the cabin sounded, Lovino opened his slightly swollen eyes and wondered if he had slept at all. It was one of those nights where he couldn't be sure.

He groaned in exhaustion, climbed down the ladder and retrieved his towel from his suitcase. Maybe a hot shower would help, as if the water would somehow cleanse his emotional breakdown last night from his mind. He cringed at the memory, and the little voice in his head wasted no time. _Great job being ridiculous, Lovino. It's what you're best at. _Dammit, it was too early for these kinds of thoughts.

After a shower that was probably longer than necessary, Lovino threw on clothes and returned to the main part of the cabin, where he found Antonio making both of their beds. Everyone else was still in the bathroom, and Antonio wasn't wearing a shirt. This was just too cruel. Lovino bit his lip as if to punish himself when he caught himself staring, and finally looked away when his eyes fell to the angry scar on his arm.

"Shit…" He mumbled just a bit too loudly, half out of anger directed at his wandering eyes and half as an exclamation. Every time he saw that scar it surprised him. It was as if his mind was blocking out its existence.

Antonio finished tucking the sheets into the bedframe and turned to him casually. "Morning, Lovino!" he said as if his being shirtless was no big deal. Lovino quickly realized it shouldn't be a big deal.

"Can you _please _wear clothes?" he groaned anyway.

Antonio's eyebrows shot up as if he hadn't realized. Lovino couldn't be sure, but he thought he saw Antonio's eyes glaze quickly over his scar. "Oh!" he exclaimed. He reached into his duffle bag, pulled out a white dress shirt and tugged it on. He laughed as if to dismiss it. "Sorry about that, I expected you to be in there longer."

"Whatever." Lovino walked over to the beds and leaned against the ladder. "What delightful activities are in store for us today?"

Antonio shrugged and finished with the last button of his shirt. "I think today will be somewhat relaxed. Mostly ice-breaker activities and people ranting at us." He laughed as though it was a joke, but both of them knew 'people ranting at them' was a perfect description of the sermons.

Lovino made the decision to break the unspoken agreement from last night. "No more videos?"

A pinch of discomfort flashed in Antonio's eyes and Lovino automatically regretted his words. "No. Well, I certainly hope not."

This conversation was already a disaster, so Lovino figured he might as well take the chance of making it worse. "Speaking of that, are you alright?" he said and quickly added, "I don't want to have to deal with that shit again."

Antonio ran a hand through his hair, looking slightly embarrassed. "Yes, I'm just fine now," he said. "I apologize again."

Lovino shook his head. "Forget it. It happened and it's over." At least he hoped it was over. Seeing Antonio like that again would kill him, he was sure of it.

There wasn't any time left to worry, since Feliciano had just emerged from the bathroom. Ludwig entered the room not long after and starting messing with his suitcase. Lovino rushed over to Feliciano, not having said a word to him since they arrived. After they returned from the introduction, Feliciano had gotten into his bunk and pulled the covers over his head without a word.

"Feli, are you alright?"

Feliciano smiled. It looked as though he had recovered, somehow. "I'm fine, Lovi! You worry too much," he said, and then looked at Antonio. "What are we doing today? When do we get to eat? I'm so hungry!"

As if responding to a call, Alfred emerged from the bathroom. He pushed his glasses on and adjusted his wet hair. "I'm starving, dude." He leaned through the bathroom door. "Mattie, will you stop messing with your hair?" He rolled his eyes and turned back to the group. "I swear; he's such a girl. He must get it from our cousin Francis."

Antonio broke out into a wild smile. "Francis Bonnefoy?"

Alfred was about to respond, but Matthew walked through the door and promptly cut him off. "I heard that," he muttered, but he soon smiled politely. "Yes, Francis Bonnefoy. You know him?"

"Like a brother!" said Antonio. "I knew he mentioned a cousin named Matthew once but…wow! Small world." He paused and directed his attention to Alfred. "I do not believe he mentioned an Alfred, however."

Alfred shrugged. "Mattie is actually my second cousin." A moment later, he looked around at the confused expressions his statement had caused. He had introduced Matthew as his brother, after all. Alfred shrugged. "We never explained that, did we? Matthew lived in Canada until he was eight, then his parents died in a car accident. He came to live with us and people mistook us as brothers so often we just started going with it." He told the story so nonchalantly, like he had told and retold it a million times. Matthew simply nodded along with a blank expression.

"That's sad," said Feliciano, his brow furrowing in concern. "I'm sorry!"

Alfred and Matthew both shrugged. "It's not really a big deal anymore." Matthew said it just as nonchalantly, but his face was pinched. There was a short silence, as if the entire group was taking a moment to mourn.

Alfred broke the heavy silence. "Can we get off this morbid subject already? It's such a downer," he said. "Let's just go eat!"

The cafeteria looked like one you would find in any school. The room itself did, at least. The difference was that people in school cafeterias usually didn't look this uneasy. Lovino sighed and focused his eyes on his bowl of cereal in an attempt to distract himself. He ate slowly and unenthusiastically, not really hungry or even tasting the food. In the spaces around him he watched Alfred and Feliciano tear into their food, Matthew and Ludwig pick at theirs, and Antonio drink his coffee. No one really spoke to each other.

That couldn't be said for the group sitting to the other side of the long table. Lovino turned in the direction of the noise, and noticed a boy with hair styled in some ridiculous way that made it stick up and out in all directions. He was speaking rapidly with a heavy accent, his eyes wild and his hands gesturing spastically. Lovino caught the tail end of what he was saying.

"Why won't you guys listen to me? I'm telling you, they are going to use those confessions against us!"

The boy across from him- a blonde with a cross clip in his hair- rolled his eyes. "Mathias, I believe you're being paranoid. Again."

"Oh, what do you know, Lukas?" Mathias shot back. "I swear I overheard someone talking about it! What do you think, Emil?"

The boy sitting beside them opened his mouth to speak, but Lukas cut in before he could say anything. "Please refrain from harassing my brother."

Mathias scoffed. "Harassing? Who's harassing? If anything, I'm trying to protect the kid from this place!"

The statements were enough for Lovino to drop his spoon. He would usually hesitate to talk to complete strangers, but this was too troublesome to ignore- even if what he was saying really was just paranoid bullshit. He turned hesitantly to the other group. "Uh, couldn't help but overhear," he said. "But you were talking about the confessions?"

"Yes! Finally, someone listens! Take that, Lukas!" said Mathias, even though all Lovino did was acknowledge what he'd said. Lukas just rolled his eyes again, and the rest of the group stayed silent. Mathias narrowed his eyes and leaned dangerously close to Lovino. "Remember how we had to go to confession last week?"

Lovino didn't think he could ever forget. Still, it didn't add up. "But those are confidential. Doesn't the church take that really seriously?" Every time Lovino heard something about confession, there was always something added about the priests not being allowed to mention what was said to anyone for any reason.

Mathias snorted. _"This _church? This church could care less about what they're actually allowed to do," he said. Lovino couldn't really argue. "I'm not sure what they're going to do, but I heard someone say they were going to use what we said!"

Even though he was unsure how he had ever missed him, it was not until then that he noticed the huge, scowling man glaring at them. He assumed he was their group leader. "M'thias," he said almost incoherently. "N't gunna happen."

Mathias glared back at him. "You only say that because you're one of them, Berwald!" he said. "Besides, you're from _Sweden! _Most people from Sweden don't even _believe _in God!"

Lukas slammed his hand against the table. "Will you please shut up? It's too early for this."

When the two broke out in an argument, Lovino took it as a sign to turn away. Whatever. What did Mathias know? That guy seemed like a nutcase anyway. Still, he couldn't seem to stop his nerves from manifesting themselves into questions and firing around in his head. What if the crazy Scandinavian was right? Even if he was, what the hell did what he had said even mean?

Antonio was the only one to notice the conversation. Thankfully, he didn't appear to know the subject matter. "Is everything okay, Lovino?"

Lovino adverted his eyes. That was a bit of a loaded question. "You ask that too much. Everything is fine." Yes, everything was fine. It was fine for now, and he intended to hold onto that as long as he could.

.

Most of the day, surprisingly, passed somewhat normally. Besides one angry lecture about sin and temptation, it consisted of bible study, silent prayer, meditation and a few pointless games. While the lecture made Lovino uncomfortable, the rest of the day shouldn't have been terrible. If nothing else, it was boring. Dull. If that was true, he must have looked pretty silly practically shaking the entire time. But he could not help it. Besides his qualms about being in this strange place, all he could think about was Mathias's crazy theory and wait for it to become true no matter how unlikely it was to happen, as if someone had a loaded gun pressed to Lovino's temple the entire day.

Near the end of a bland dinner that Lovino did not taste, Antonio placed a hand on his shoulder. "Lovino." He said his name like it was an entire sentence. "You keep telling me you're fine, but that's obviously not true. Your face is white as a sheet."

Not in the mood to deal with being doted on, Lovino smacked his hand away. "For the millionth goddamn time, I'm fine!" He said it like he was absolutely true, but what he really wanted to do was run back to the cabin and hide. No, he wanted to run _home _and hide. With Antonio. Goddammit, _NO!_ "You're like a broken record, bastard! Do you ever shut up?"

Before he had the time to muster up another angry sentence and before Antonio could ask the same question again, Lovino spotted someone he did not recognize- an adult, most likely someone who organized this thing- tap Feliciano on the shoulder. His eyes remained glued to them as they had a conversation he couldn't hear, and his stomach dropped to his feet when Feliciano frowned. His golden eyes were narrowed in nervous confusion. It took all Lovino he had not to jump from his seat. When Feliciano slowly got up and walked away with this person, he actually did.

"Hey! Where are you taking him?" shouted Lovino. There was no answer, save for Feliciano turning around for a brief second with panic in his eyes. The same panic quickly flooded into Lovino's bloodstream like an intravenous shot. He grabbed Antonio by the collar without even looking at him, his uncertainty rising and clawing at him mercilessly. "Where the hell are they taking him? What are they going to do? I need to go find him, my god, what is going on?"

When he finally looked at Antonio, he was infuriated to see he looked as calm as could be. "Lovino, calm down," he said. Lovino did the opposite, and Antonio grabbed his arm and pulled him gently back down. "Lovi, I'm sure this is nothing."

As if his very words triggered it, Lovino saw one of the members of the group next to his being taken away by someone else out of the corner of his eyes. He heard Mathias begin to shout mere moments later. "What the hell do you think you're doing with Tino? Give him back! He's ours!" He was standing on the table now, shaking his fist as if the very act would do something. Nearly everyone in the room was staring at him. "Don't worry, Finland! Denmark is coming!"

With that, Mathias jumped from the table and attempted to break off in a run towards the door Tino was walking through. His attempt was cut short when he was held back by the entirety of his group. Even though it was three against one, they could barely restrain him. "Let me go! I told you something was going to happen, I told you!" His wild blue eyes caught sight of Lovino and he stared right at him. "I told _you_, didn't I?

Lovino took a step back, filled to capacity with a mixture of confusion, rage, and pure, intense fear. Was Mathias just completely insane, or was something really going on? More importantly, where in the hell were they taking Feliciano? He looked at Ludwig, as if he would somehow have an answer. Ludwig had not moved his attention from the door, his eyes unblinking and unreadable.

Antonio shook his head as if to clear his bewildered expression, as though his face was an etch-a-sketch. "Well, we have to go to a service now."

"Are you _insane?" _Lovino would have been out the door if Antonio's hand wasn't wrapped around his forearm, effectively sending a fire across his skin just as well it restrained him. "We can't just leave! What about Feliciano?"

Alfred looked completely lost if not a bit annoyed. "Dude, I'm sure your brother is fine. Maybe he lost something and they're giving it back to him," he said with a dismissive shrug. Matthew just nodded, though his eyes seemed to be fixed on something far in the distance.

Lovino realized he must have looked like an escaped patient of an insane asylum, practically having a nervous breakdown out over something that could very well be nothing. But he could not believe that it was that simple, that innocent. With this church, it could never be. Was no one else seeing this? Dammit, could Roma not send them to a normal church that did normal things? Lovino tried to calm down. This could very well be nothing - but the gut feeling was too strong to ignore. He turned to Ludwig again. He would only talk to him if he was desperate, and this was one of those times.

"Hey. German," he said. Ludwig turned around as if that were his name. "What did that bastard say to Feliciano?"

It took Ludwig a moment to snap out of his trance. He cleared his throat and spoke in a firm, emotionless voice. "He was told that something in his confession was a cause for concern, and they needed to speak with him." He said it like he was delivering a speech, but there was no mistaking that glimmer of concern in his eyes.

"I told you! I TOLD YOU!"

Lovino ignored Mathias's outburst and whipped around to face Antonio again. "You told me those were confidential, you fucking bastard!" He felt anger rise in his chest for unfair, unfounded reasons. This was not Antonio's fault, but he was the closest and easiest person to blame. If he didn't allow his panic to escape, taking the form of shouting, he was sure he would explode. "You lied to me on purpose, didn't you?"

Antonio lurched back in his seat as if he had been slapped. "What? Lovi, no!" His eyes filled with hurt, but it soon switched to something closer to remorse. "I would never lie to you. To any of you." He scanned the faces of the group- which where rapidly changing from stoic to anxious- and sighed. "Confession is always confidential. Always. I haven't the slightest clue what these people are thinking. I'm so sorry." Antonio's mouth twitched. He quickly looked away. "My God, I am so sorry…"

Without warning, Ludwig stood up. He curled his hands into fists and narrowed his eyes, his stiff posture rivaling that of a military lieutenant. "Let's go." His words were slow, forceful and demanding of obedience. "Somehow, I feel that we will find out what's going on when we get there."

There was no choice but to do what he said.

.

When Lovino sat down next to Antonio in the same auditorium as the night before, he balled his hands into fists at his knees and commanded the room to stop whirling around him. For what was likely the millionth time since dinner ended, he tried to convince himself that whatever was happening with Feliciano was simply a huge misunderstanding. After all, if he didn't at least attempt to remain calm, he was sure he would lose consciousness.

Lovino's resolve to maintain his composure only weakened further when the man to walk onto the stage was none other than Father O'Brian. Where had he even come from? He hadn't seen him the entire trip. It was as if he had been hiding in the shadows, just waiting to come out and attack like a wild beast.

"Antonio…" His voice came out in something less than a whisper. Lovino could barely hear himself, so there was no doubt Antonio hadn't either. God, would he be able to keep himself together? Now there were two people to worry about at once- both of whom he would throw himself in front of a train to protect.

When the Father spoke, he sounded uncharacteristically calm. "Hello, everyone! How's the retreat going for all of you?" His chipper greeting and tight smile was met with a murmur of half-hearted responses.

"I feel like shit," Lovino mumbled under his breath. Antonio glimpsed at him for a second and gave his knee a reassuring squeeze. Lovino ignored the jolt of electricity that shot through his leg. It was neither the time nor the place for these feelings.

"Good!" The priest said it as if anyone in the room actually meant what they said. "Now, you may wonder what we'll be doing this evening. Well, that's a bit difficult to answer, I'm afraid." In a moment so short one could miss it if he blinked, his face contorted in a scowl and his cheerfulness disappeared. "In short, it has come to my attention that there is evil lurking in this very church!"

Lovino felt a tremor of horror shoot through his body. Surely, he could not mean Feliciano. Feliciano was the opposite of evil. Then again, what else could he mean? Lovino tried not to scream as he put the twisted puzzle pieces together rapidly in his head: The church's views on homosexuality, their radical way of doing things, Feliciano's confession, and finally Mathias's theory-turned-reality. There was no denying something awful was about to happen. What that something would be, however, was still a mystery. The sudden ringing in Lovino's ears deafened him. He didn't dare look at anyone else, especially Antonio. If he were having another episode, Lovino would lose it completely. He was holding on by a thread as it was.

"It brings great sadness to my heart to inform you all that _homosexual activity," _he spat the words, "is going on right in front of our eyes! This will not be tolerated! I will not allow this agenda to spread to those in our parish!" What was it, a contagious disease? He seemed to think so. Lovino managed to continue watching him- ignoring his pounding heart and the cold sweat the broke out on his forehead- as the man's lips stretched into a chilling grin. "But, we're going to fix this. These boys have been possessed by demons, and we're going to show Satan it won't be allowed here."  
Leaving his threatening words in his wake, he disappeared beyond the stage as if to fetch something, or rather, someone. There was a split second of silence before the congregation erupted in nervous chatter.

_"__Possessed _by _demons?" _Lovino was surprised when he realized the words were not his own, but rather Alfred's. His next three sentences came out in a jumble. "This guy is batshit insane, dude! Where the hell is Feliciano? I need to rescue him, I'll be the hero!"

He almost managed to rise triumphantly to his feet, but Matthew yanked him back down in an instant. "Alfred, don't."

Alfred glared back at him. "Mattie, are you crazy? You just want to let this happen?"

"No!" Matthew sounded incredibly offended. "It's just…" Lovino looked at him and realized his eyes had filled with tears. "If you go they might hurt you too. We don't need anyone else sucked into this, Alfred. Please."

Alfred fell back to his seat like he'd been standing for ten years rather than ten seconds, threw his head back and groaned.

Hurt. The word shot into Lovino like a bullet and shook him to the core. Without thinking, he frantically reached out and grabbed Antonio's arm with such force it was probably painful. "Hurt?" His voice hitched on the word. "Antonio, what does he mean hurt?" As if Matthew knew what was going to happen. As if Antonio had an answer. As if any of this made any semblance of sense anymore.

Antonio opened his mouth as if planning to respond, but there wasn't time. Father O'Brian returned to the stage- dragging Feliciano and Tino out with him. Lovino felt his throat close. Without giving himself time to reconsider, he released the death grip on Antonio's arm and instead grabbed his hand as tightly as he could. It was all he could do to keep from giving into the dizzying sensation clouding his mind. No matter how the touch made Lovino feel, there was no emotion strong enough to mask the fear. Antonio didn't question it; he simply squeezed back just as hard. Part of Lovino believed he needed the moral support just as badly.

When the Father turned to the congregation, he was calm. Too calm. "These two young men have confessed to homosexual activity," he said. Lovino gripped Antonio's hand harder. He was sure it would break soon. "They have made the conscious decision to sin, to stray from the one true path!"

The room was so silent Lovino could hear the breathing of those around him, even though nearly everyone seemed to have stopped breathing. If this was true, why was he shouting? Within seconds, his angry words were directed at Feliciano and Tino. While Lovino watched in silent horror, his anger and fear stirring around and his stomach, Father O'Brian tore them apart as everyone watched. He spewed bible verses that seemed completely irrelevant and out of context, as well as a series of gut-wrenching slurs.

Several minutes passed before he expected them to speak. "Do you understand you're a sinner? You deserve to rot in hell for what you've done! Do you not understand that?" He shouted, less than a foot from their faces. They nodded in unison, but apparently that was not the right reaction. "Say it out-loud! You must confess your sin to everyone!"

Seconds after the phrase was repeated, it became noticeable that Tino was crying. Feliciano's eyes were misty and his fear was evident on his face, but Tino was a step down from bawling. It was impossible not to feel bad for the poor kid. He was more than likely thoroughly humiliated, ashamed, and afraid, and there was nothing he could do but stand on the stage and shake while a public spectacle was made of him.

Lovino scanned the room and found where his group was sitting. Mathias looked like a guard dog ready to attack, teeth showing and all, while Lukas physically held him to his seat. Berwald, despite being completely emotionless before, looked about ready to explode. His teeth were clenched; his fists were balled at his knees and his face was contorted in the purest wrath Lovino had ever seen. He turned away, slightly scared, but at the same time Lovino could only think one thing: he needed to do something.

Before Lovino could even finish thinking through his stream of possible plans of action, Feliciano made a grave mistake. In either an attempt at comforting Tino or providing moral support for the both of them, he grabbed Tino's trembling hand. The second he did, everything seemed to move in slow motion. Lovino knew what he did wasn't a romantic gesture by any stretch of the imagination. He knew Feliciano too well. Then, Father O'Brian caught sight of their joined hands.

He didn't know Feliciano well enough.

The priest stopped speaking halfway through his fire and brimstone themed sentence. For a split second that might as well have been fifty years, no one said anything. No one moved. About a hundred sets of eyes focused in on nothing but their hands. Tino looked too shocked, too utterly terrified to do anything but stay perfectly still. The auditorium was thick was silence. It was broken when the room filled with the sound of the Father's hand making sharp contact with Feliciano's cheek. A horrified, collective gasp arose from the congregation, and things started moving in normal time again.

The room exploded in a symphony of noise. Several gasps. Someone screaming. Ludwig shouting at what seemed like no one. Everyone talking. Despite the utter anarchy that had erupted around him, Lovino was deaf to all but Feliciano's groan of agony and the _thud _of his body hitting the stage floor. He shot up from his seat, vision blurred from the hot tears forming in his eyes, skin buzzing from pure adrenaline. He tried to run, to burst onto the stage and beat this man senseless. With his burning anger blurring all sense of reason, he didn't realize something was holding him back until he realized he wasn't moving. Antonio was still gripping his hand. "Let me go! I'm going to kill him!"

Antonio's eyes were wild, panicked. "Lovino, no." His words came out in a whisper. "Please."

Lovino tried, unsuccessfully, to pull away. Dammit, why was Antonio suddenly so strong? "I said let me go, bastard!" His words were on autopilot. "He hurt him, goddammit!"

"And he can hurt you too."

But it didn't matter. There was no time to act. What had happened caused an unofficial end to- what could it be called? Surely it was not a sermon. A public shaming? The next thirty seconds passed in a haze of mass confusion. Antonio finally released Lovino's hand. Father O'Brian disappeared behind the stage, and Tino ran directly into Berwald. When he reached him, he clung to him as if he would fall to pieces if he let go. Feliciano pried himself off the floor after a split second of lying on it, too stunned to move. When he finally did, he ran to Lovino. He threw his arms around him, burying his tear-stained face in his shoulder.

"Oh my God, Feli." Lovino brought his arms behind Feliciano's back. He managed to suppress his anger and racing thoughts just enough to speak in a way that could possibly be comforting. "Are you alright?"

Feliciano did not respond. In a matter of seconds, the entirety of the group formed a circle around them. Antonio stood behind everyone, frozen, speechless. His hand was covering his mouth in a way that was almost cartoonish. Feliciano finally looked up, his eyes glassy and a red mark forming on his cheek. When he spoke, he said only one thing. "I'm going to hell."

.

When they reached the cabin, nothing that anyone did was questioned. When Alfred jumped into his bunk, held his pillow to his face and screamed, no one said a thing. When Matthew sat next to him, one hand absent-mindedly patting Alfred's back and his chin resting in the other, no one questioned why he was staring into space. When Feliciano tearfully broke away from Lovino, crawled into his bed and beckoned for Ludwig to join him, no one battled an eye. When Antonio apologized at least twenty times in a row, no one really acknowledged it. Really, everyone knew what happened was beyond Antonio's control. Antonio probably knew that, too. It didn't stop him from apologizing. Lovino couldn't help but feel bad for him.

Several hours later, Lovino was still awake. He stared at the wall in the darkness, his mind going a million miles an hour. There was simply too much to worry about to sleep. And really, how could he sleep when Antonio was in the damn bottom bunk? He instantly hated himself for letting his unruly mind stray to Antonio when Feliciano was in the throws of a breakdown just a few feet away, but he could not help it. Somehow, thinking about his terrifying feelings towards him- letting his mind recount all the reasons he could never vocalize how he felt- was less painful than thinking about what Feliciano had gone through that night. Yes, it was less painful, but not by much.

Lovino's leg jerked instinctually when he felt a hand on it. His racing thoughts stopped dead in their tracks. "What the hell?" He whispered into the darkness. He flipped around, and was able to make out none other than Antonio's silhouette. He felt his chest tighten and his pulse quicken in an instant. God, why now? "What do you want?"

"Are you alright, Lovi?" His words were soft, gentle.

Lovino scoffed. How could he ever be all right after all that happened these past two days, after what had happened these past few weeks? "What do you think?" he said. "Honestly, what the hell do you think?"

Even in the dark, the sadness and millions of unsaid apologies in Antonio's eyes were clear. "I know. I'm sorry," he said for the umpteenth time. "Did I wake you?"

Lovino dropped his fiery gaze and answered honestly. "No. I can't sleep," he said, making sure to remain quiet. "I'm guessing you can't, either."

Antonio almost smiled. Almost. "No, I cannot. All of this, it does not help…" He didn't finish, but it was obvious what he was referring to. He paused like he was searching for the right words. "Is there anything I can do? To help you sleep, I mean?"

Lovino blinked, unable to believe that he was concerned about him despite everything. "And how in the hell would you do that?"

"Well." Antonio broke eye contact, seemingly gaining a sudden interest in the bedspread. "I could…join you, if you would like."

Lovino forgot how to breathe. Antonio, in his bed…he shook his head, not as a response but out of pure disbelief. This was too unreal. Surely he was joking. It must have been either that, or Lovino was dreaming. "You're kidding, right?" He attempted to make his words sound spiteful, maybe even disgusted. A small part of him was still clinging desperately to the idea that he did not care. A small part of him was still sane. But the rest of him simply screamed _yes, come here. _He tried to silence the thought to no avail.

"I'm not kidding, Lovino." Antonio's wavering smile finally fell again. "I'm sorry. That was far too intrusive, I'll just go back to bed."

"No." Lovino surprised himself when his hand clapped over Antonio's. His face became red and he was immediately grateful for the darkness. He swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice from shaking. "I mean, I didn't say anything, bastard. At least let me respond. God." He took a deep breath, begging his mind to stop screaming _yes, yes, yes. _This was unacceptable, these feelings were unreasonable, he was so damn stupid…

Antonio didn't pull his hand away. Rather, he flipped it over and gingerly held Lovino's. Lovino felt a fire shoot up his arm. "What would that answer be?" There was no impatience in his voice. Lovino bit his lip.

"You're going to wake up the others if you keep talking."

Antonio tilted his head slightly. "I suppose you should answer me, then."

Lovino didn't answer with words. He didn't have any words left. Instead, he forced himself to withdrawal his hand, shifted his body until it was pressed against the wall, and patted the space next to him with a trembling hand. This time, he could not stop himself from giving in.

"Oh, Lovi…" When Antonio climbed up the ladder and laid down next to him, Lovino felt the wall he had built for himself, his defense mechanism he had used all these years, fall to bits and pieces like Berlin. It was as if Antonio had physically shattered it the moment his body touched the blankets. After he fumbled about and managed to get under the covers, the rate of Lovino's pulse as well as his internal temperature about doubled. This was really happening.

"Listen, bastard." Lovino forced himself to glare through the dizzying nervousness that overtook him. "Get out by the time everyone wakes up. If anyone notices you're here, I will hit you, I will scream, and I'll claim you did this all on your own. Got it?"

Antonio laughed quietly. "Of course."

A shudder shot down Lovino's spine upon hearing the soft, nearly seductive way he whispered the two simple words. As if someone had flipped a switch, he felt his eyelids become heavy and exhaustion finally set in. "Go to sleep, idiot."

Antonio only nodded and closed his eyes. Lovino stayed perfectly still for a couple minutes, quickly realizing with just a bit of trepidation that this may be the best moment of his life. After the whirlwind of disasters lately, he needed this. He looked at Antonio's sleeping form in the dark, and finally, after all this time, admitted to himself that he wanted to stay like this forever. No matter how exhausted he was; he was all too aware that the moment he closed his eyes he would be letting go of this perfect moment forever. There was no way it would ever happen again, after all. People like him don't get many moments like this. Even still, the fatigue was overpowering. With a final sigh of resignation and a heavy feeling in his chest, he allowed his eyes to drift closed.

Antonio had won, and Lovino could not say he lost.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	13. Chapter 13

_But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. (Timothy 6:9)_

* * *

The next morning, Lovino awoke to find Antonio gone. At least he had kept his promise. The last thing he needed were the others questioning why he had their damn group leader in bed with him. When the alarm went off, he saw that Antonio was not only already awake, but up and scurrying about the cabin.

"Good morning, everyone." He waited until the others were sitting up in their bunks before he continued. "There's been a change of plans."

"Let me guess, they're going to beat all of us senseless?" muttered Alfred as he fumbled for his glasses.

Feliciano, who was still in the process of waking up, leaned against Ludwig. They had fallen asleep in the same bunk- provided Feliciano had slept at all, which was doubtful. "Can I stay here?" His voice was too quiet. "I don't want to get hurt again."

Ludwig grimaced. "If that man gets near you, I will make him regret it." He sounded deadly serious, and Lovino believed him. At least he was good for something.

Antonio waved his hands in front of him in an attempt to maintain some sort of order. "No! Nothing like that." He sighed heavily as if he had been holding his breath. "Actually, we're leaving today. The buses will be here in an hour."

The room fell silent, and Lovino felt his entire body relax. Still, it begged the question, "Weren't we supposed to leave around seven tonight?"

Antonio drew his lips into a thin line. "Well, yes. But after…what happened last night," he glanced apologetically at Feliciano, "the staff has decided to send everyone home early. They're calling it technical difficulties."

"What?" Lovino could not believe it. He didn't want to. This was getting more and more unreal by the second. "A _priest_ hit a fifteen year old boy! Are we just supposed to forget about that?"

Feliciano winced, clearly uncomfortable. Out of the corner of his eye, Lovino saw Matthew sigh and collapse back against the bed. Alfred was the one the break the short-lived silence. "We should probably call the cops or something. I really don't think he can do that." He paused, his brow furrowing in confusion. "Is he even a priest? I'm really starting to think he's not actually a priest."

Antonio sighed and shook his head. "Can you all listen for a moment?" He leaned against the ladder on their bunk. "I want you to all understand that what happened last night is not something that Catholics support. Don't repeat this, but Father O'Brian is not a true Catholic or a man of God. He is a power hungry bigot." There was a collective nod. Lovino was sure that everyone had figured that out quite some time ago. Even so, Antonio cupped his head in his hands and continued to speak. "I said I wouldn't let anything happen. I failed. Feliciano, I am so sorry about what happened to you."

Feliciano offered a weak smile. "It doesn't even hurt anymore, Toni. It's okay."

Antonio shook his head. "No. No, it's not okay."

No one said anything.

.

While the bus ride there was filled with conversation, the ride back was nearly silent. This time, Antonio's group took the three seats nearest to the back of the bus. It was a defense mechanism of sorts, since Feliciano had become more or less of a mini-celebrity for the worst reason imaginable. Sitting in the back- especially when he was next to the large and intimidating Ludwig- no one bothered him. Antonio was uncharacteristically silent, not even offering Lovino an earbud or suggesting some ridiculous game. Having taken the window this time, he simply gazed out of it like he'd never seen the outside before.

Not knowing what to do with the silence, Lovino said the only thing that came to mind. "It's not like you to be so quiet." That was an understatement. Seeing Antonio silent, not smiling, not doing anything that made him who he was- it was downright frightening. What Lovino wanted to do was ask Antonio if he was all right about a hundred times, just like Antonio did for him. But he did not allow himself.

Antonio blinked rapidly, as if snapping out of a daze. "Oh," he said. "Oh, I was just thinking." He finally tore his eyes away from the window and looked across the aisle. "Feliciano, are you sure you'll be alright?"

Feliciano looked away from his own window, also uncharacteristically silent. "Yes, I'm fine." His words were stiff, robotic. They almost sounded rehearsed.

Alfred looked away from the phone he wasn't supposed to have. "I'm really sorry that happened to you, dude. I know how you feel."

Lovino snapped around to look at him, his blood already beginning to boil. "How in the hell would you know do he feels, _dude?" _He attempted an overdramatic American accent on the last word. He wasn't sure why he was lashing out at Alfred. All he had done was try and be supportive, but Lovino couldn't stop the angry words from coming. "Don't be stupid. My little brother doesn't need your crap right now."

Feliciano's eyes shot open. "Lovi!"

Alfred glared right back at Lovino. "Yeah? Well there's a guy named Arthur back home that probably thinks I would know." With that, he shoved an earbud in his ear and looked away. What did he mean by that?

Antonio rested his head against the window again. "Well, this just keeps better and better," he mumbled, seemingly to no one in particular.

No one said a word for the rest of the ride home.

.

After a trip that felt like it lasted an eternity, Antonio, Lovino, Feliciano and Ludwig found themselves back in the room that their group usually met in. Alfred had left the second Antonio said he could, mumbling to himself while Matthew chased after him. Now, the four people that remained were left to just stare at each other. What more was there to say, really? Antonio cleared his throat, outwardly unsure of what to do. He glanced at Feliciano again and finally broke the silence. "I suppose I should alert your grandfather about what happened."

Feliciano flapped his hands at him. "No! No, I mean, I can tell him. It's fine," he said. Lovino looked at him doubtfully. He knew full well Feliciano wouldn't tell Roma, but the last thing he wanted to do right then was argue.

Antonio didn't push the matter further. He only sighed. "Alright. The last thing I want to do is complicate this further." It was obvious how desperate he was to hold all of this together. It was almost painful to watch him like this, as if he were a fish flopping around out of the water.

"Lovi, can Ludwig and I go talk outside?" asked Feliciano. "I don't really want to be in here anymore."

That was understandable. Lovino nodded. "Sure. Just don't go home without me," he said. Feliciano collected his things and walked out, Ludwig not far behind.

The moment Feliciano shut the door behind him; Antonio threw his arms around Lovino in a desperate, frantic motion. Lovino gasped and became immediately embarrassed when he did. Before he could yell at him for nearly giving him a heart attack, Antonio spoke in a rushed whisper. "Lovino, I'm so sorry." Even though he had apologized at least a million times, this was different somehow. Lovino knew these words were just for him.

"H-hey! Bastard, you…" He did not finish the insult. Really, what was the point? He had grown tired of this act long ago. Lovino took a deep breath and finally exhaled heavily as if releasing the last of his denial with it. He brought his arms behind Antonio's back, resting a hand in his wild tufts of hair and allowing it to linger there. "It's alright. None of this was your fault."

Antonio did not let go. No one spoke. They just stood there, embracing each other like they would fall off the earth if they let go. When Antonio finally did speak, he whispered the words as though he was losing his voice. "Thank you for everything, Lovi."

Lovino had to fight to speak through the dozens of conflicting emotions running through him. Confusion was the most prevalent, the most demanding of attention. "What are you thanking me for?"

Antonio finally let go, and Lovino instantly felt colder. "Just for being you. For continuing to come here."

"I don't have much of a choice." Lovino quickly realized that even if he were given the choice, he would likely keep coming. The reason for that was standing right in front of him. He cleared his throat, fighting the raging desire he felt that encircled him like a hungry vulture. "But you do," he said quickly, having almost forgotten the difference in authority between them. "You could quit."

Antonio smiled, though it didn't carry to his eyes. "I could. That's true." He paused, and finally shrugged. "I have considered that about a million times. But I don't want to leave this behind right now. I've grown attached to all of you. Besides," his eyes locked with Lovino's. "Do you really think I would miss a chance to see you?"

Of course Lovino thought that. Why would he _not _miss a chance to see him? He took an instinctive step back. "Yes, well…" He felt a million possible things to say - a million confessions, a million hidden feelings - whir past this thoughts and die in his throat in a nanosecond. In the end, he could only whisper the most generic, gutless thing he could think of. "I need to talk to Feliciano."

Antonio's smile wavered. "Oh. Yes, I suppose that's a good idea." He crossed his arms across his chest as if to form a physical barrier between them. "Have a nice week, Lovi. Try to make sure Feli is alright."

Lovino turned on his heel and left without responding, pushing back regret with every step towards the door he took. With another wasted moment, had had earned another reason to call himself a coward. Oh well. Deep down, he knew this was for his own good. Someone like him has nothing to gain from confessing to someone like Antonio. It would be setting himself up for ridicule. Lovino ignored the fact that his stomach had turned cold and dropped to his feet and spotted Feliciano sitting on the steps with Ludwig. "Are you ready to go home?"

Feliciano snapped around to look at him. "Okay, Lovi," he said. Ludwig immediately stood up, waved goodbye and started off in the other direction. It was like he was afraid to do anything else.

When they were halfway down the sidewalk, Lovino said, "We really do need to tell Grandpa about this, Feli." There was no need to specify. They both knew what he meant.

Mid-stride, Feliciano straightened up as if to appear more assertive. "No." He tried to say it firmly, but his voice shook. "No, I don't want to."

Lovino sighed as dramatically as possible. "Feliciano, why?" He nearly shouted the words. "I know you like our group. I know you want to see Ludwig more, I know you think Antonio wants to see me…" _No, he doesn't. _Lovino shook his head. This was not the time. "But you were hurt yesterday. Why can't we just tell Grandpa? You know how much he loves you; if you so much as _suggest _you were mistreated, you'd never have to see these people again! We can get confirmed somewhere else!"

Feliciano stopped walking. "Because then I'd have to tell him _why _he hit me, Lovino!" he exclaimed. "How do you know how he would react to…to me and Ludwig? How do you know he wouldn't react like them?"

Lovino stopped walking as well. He hadn't considered that, the possibility hadn't even crossed his mind. "You know he wouldn't. Grandpa isn't-"

Feliciano's response was cold, final. "You don't know that." He started walking again, and Lovino knew it was the end of the conversation. The decision had been made.

When they returned home, Roma was sitting at the kitchen table with a book. Upon seeing his grandsons, he stood up. "Feliciano, Lovino! I thought you weren't due to be home for hours."

"We weren't." Lovino looked to the side and caught sight of Feliciano's pleading expression. He sighed and went on to lie to his grandfather's face. "There was a problem at the campsite. Something about the plumbing. They sent us home early."

Roma narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Oh. Well, all right. I would think they would notify me." He shrugged. "Oh well. What can you do? So, how was your trip?"

Lovino dropped his gaze to the floor and tightened his grip on his suitcase handle. That should be an innocent question, but it wasn't. About a million things had happened, none of which he could actually tell him. Like Roma said, what can you do? Lovino supposed he had already lied to him once, so he could do it again. He forced himself to look up. "It was fine. Boring."

Feliciano nodded and played along. "There was a lot of sitting and meditation and stuff," he said with a stiff grin. "The food wasn't great, but that's okay."

Roma chuckled. "Yes, well, I suppose that's a necessary evil." He took a step forward and ruffled Feliciano's hair. "I can't say I'm upset you're early! Would you two like to do something with the rest of the day? We could go out to eat. Surely that would be better than whatever culinary nightmare you were subjected to."

If only the food was the worst part about the trip. Lovino couldn't say he was hungry. Ever since Antonio had called him wonderful that first night and he lost the ability to deny his feelings, he had barely thought about eating. Thankfully, Feliciano vocalized his thoughts as if he had read his mind. "Oh, no thanks, Grandpa. I'm not too hungry. They made us get up really early, so I think I'm going to take a _siesta._"

Roma blinked, his smile slowly falling. Feliciano turning down food wasn't exactly an everyday occurrence. It took him a moment to respond. "Alright, Feli. Are you feeling okay?"

Feliciano nodded too feverishly and responded too quickly. "Yes! Nothing's wrong!" The way he laughed made Lovino cringe. Without saying another word, Feliciano darted off towards his bedroom.

Roma looked somewhat confused, but his smile soon fell back in place. "How about you, Lovi? Would you like to do anything?"

Lovino was almost ashamed that he felt surprised. For whatever reason, he was sure that Roma wouldn't want to do anything with him when Feliciano wasn't involved. After allowing the silence to linger between them for a moment, he responded in a way he was sure to regret later. "Uh…no. I think I'm just going to…" _I think I'll go to my room and try to forget Antonio exists. _Lovino bit his inner lip. "I'm going to go to my room."

Roma shrugged. "It probably makes sense that you're both tired."

Lovino nodded and retreated to his room. While this would usually serve as a relief, it was the loneliest he'd felt all week. He sighed. Really, what could you do? That seemed to be the motto for the day. With a sinking feeling in his chest, he located his phone, switched it off, and shut it in a nearby drawer. It was better not to even have the temptation.

.

The wait for Sunday was almost unbearable. Lovino knew he was setting himself up for a rush of painful emotions and an even more desperate longing, and he knew seeing Antonio again would only amplify what he already felt to a painful level. He knew he would be lucky if he could escape without adding even more new emotions to the ever-growing list. Despite all of that, he could not help it. Although it made him nervous beyond belief, Lovino accepted that he would rather deal with keeping his feelings private- no matter how excruciating it would be- than to not see him.

"Lovino! You're so fast, wait for me, please!"

Lovino quickly realized how fast he was walking. "Sorry, Feli," he said, forcing himself to slow his pace.

Feliciano soon caught up to him. "Wow, Lovi. You seem really excited to get to church. That's not like you, are you sick?"

That was probably the most accurate description of what Lovino was feeling. Yes, he did feel ill. He would use the term love sick if the cliché didn't make him gag. The past week he had felt sick to his stomach, overwhelmed with loneliness and doubt and longing. But of course, he could not admit that. He shook his head and continued walking. Before long, he was in front of Feliciano again.

Antonio approached Lovino the moment he entered the church. This time he did not greet him; only smiled wildly and said one simple sentence. "There won't be a sermon today."

Lovino felt some of the tension he felt roll off of him. With Antonio looking at him he couldn't let go of all of it, but the news helped. Still, it seemed a bit strange. "What? Why?"

"Father O'Brian has…" Antonio paused as if looking for the proper way to explain. "He has taken a leave of absence. There was no one else available to do the sermon, so we won't have one today."

"A leave of absence." Lovino raised an eyebrow. "Does this, by any chance, have to do with what happened with Feliciano?"

Feliciano looked down and took the edge of Lovino's shirt in his hand. Lovino awkwardly patted his back twice, hoping it would be some kind of comfort. Feliciano didn't need to relive that. Antonio looked side to side as if he were nervous, then slowly nodded. "I wasn't suppose to share this with you guys, but yes. He's gotten in a bit of trouble for it." He shrugged. There was no need to explain further. "I'm going to find the others. You two can go to the room."

In one fluid motion, Antonio turned around and squeezed Lovino's shoulder for a brief moment. Even though it was a tiny, insignificant act, Lovino instantly felt the least lonely and the most loved he had all week. He took a series of deep breaths as he walked, feeling silly for the emotional reaction the simple touch had caused. He wondered if he would ever get over this, if he would ever feel this way for someone else, if he would ever stop feeling like he was drowning. Right now, it didn't seem as though he would ever have that luxury.

Within five minutes, Antonio entered the room with the rest of the group behind him. They all looked calm, maybe even happy. It made sense. After the nightmare that was the retreat, it wasn't any surprise that they were happy about not having to listen to any more of the same threats. Antonio sat down in his chair and smiled. "Good evening, everyone! I trust that you all had a good week?"

Lovino nodded, glancing around the room as everyone else did, too. These pleasantries were tired and repetitive, but somehow every time Antonio asked them how they were it sounded like he generally wanted to know. Alfred's voice broke Lovino out of his musings. "So, the priest is gone, huh?"

Antonio nodded expressionlessly. "Yes, he's on a bit of a vacation."

Alfred wrinkled his nose, looking like he didn't believe him. Lovino couldn't say he blamed him for being suspicious. Why would Antonio bother to hide the truth? Was his job on the line? Alfred crossed his arms over his chest and leaned farther back against his chair. "Really? A vacation? This has nothing to do with the fact that he hit a teenager?" Matthew kicked his foot after he said it, but he didn't seem fazed.

Antonio cleared his throat. He was beginning to look uncomfortable. "This isn't exactly something I'm supposed to discuss."

"So much for not letting anything happen to us…" Alfred said it under his breath, but speaking quietly was not one of his strong suits. It was painfully obvious that Antonio had heard, judging by the way his smile fell in an instant.

"Al, this wasn't his fault. You know that," Matthew said like a mother would scold her child.

Alfred's scowl disappeared when he realized his statement wasn't as quiet as he probably intended. "No, I know, I-"

Antonio sighed like he had been holding his breath and held out a hand. "No. You're right." The remains of his smile died on his lips. "I did say that. I said that, and I didn't follow through."

Feliciano jumped a little in his seat. He waved his hands in front of himself and spoke in a messy jumble of sentences. "It really isn't your fault, I probably shouldn't have done what I did in the first place, so I guess I could have prevented-"

"No!" Antonio nearly shouted the word, and the room grew cold and quiet right after. Lovino flinched. "Don't you dare blame yourself, Feliciano. Just…don't. I won't allow it." It quickly became noticeable that his hands were trembling around the folder he held. "You can't help who you love. You really cannot do it." He spoke towards the ground, like the words were meant for himself more than anyone else. A shock went through Lovino's heart. "No, it was my fault, this is all my fault, I shouldn't be saying these things, this is such a mess, I…" He let out a sound that sounded like a gasp for air.

Lovino felt his chest seize in worry, in sympathy. "Antonio. It's alright." He tried to speak like he did on the first day of the retreat, giving no mind to those around him. He knew exactly what was about to happen. Rather, he knew what was already happening.

"No, it's…" Antonio trailed off and tried to open the folder with trembling hands. What he was looking for was unknown. Lovino watched in horror as Antonio's breathing visibly sped up. He continued rambling nonsensically regardless. "No, you can't help who you love, it's terrible, this place is terrible, everything is just…I'm sorry, I…" Before he could finish his thought- if he even had one to finish, that is- his trembling hands lost the ability to hold the folder. The folder as well as its contents spilled onto the floor in a flood of white paper. _"Mierda!" _He shouted it as though what he had done was unforgivable.

Lovino managed to stand up, though his legs felt entirely too unstable. He struggled to keep his voice sounding normal. "Antonio, it's fine. Here, let me help you."

Before Lovino could so much as pick up a piece of paper, Antonio gripped his own hair in a way that looked as though it hurt. "No, _dios, _this is my fault, it's always my fault, I can't…" His words came out in a single breath. He closed his eyes, shook his head vehemently and opened his mouth as if to speak, but all that came out was something in between a gasp and a cry. Then, he spun around, walked out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

Silence. After the explosion of sound had just occurred, the room was suddenly bursting with it. For far longer than what was comfortable, Lovino stood dumbly in the middle of the room with a blank expression, wondering what the hell had just happened and more importantly, what in the hell he was supposed to do about it. No one spoke, no one moved, no one did anything other than sit in their seats with copies of the same bewildered expressions on all of their faces.

"Wow," Feliciano said finally. "Lovino…maybe you should go after him."

Lovino had considered the same thing. He had half a mind to bolt from the room, track Antonio down and talk him down from the attack he absolutely did not deserve. No matter how good of an idea that probably was, no matter how firmly he demanded that his legs move, he continued to stand in the same place. No. No, he did not want to make this worse than it was, if that was even possible. After all, what kind of help could he possibly be? He barely had the courage to look Antonio in the eyes; he had no business trying to help him. He simply was not so arrogant to think he could.

"No," Lovino said finally. He sat back down with a weighty sigh. "No, I'm sure he'll be fine." _Liar. _

"I don't think I've ever seen Antonio like that." For once, the room was quiet enough for Matthew's soft voice to be heard clearly. He adverted his eyes and traced one of the flowers in the sofa with his finger. "I'm worried."

"Jesus." Alfred rested his head in his hands and ran them across his hair. "I didn't mean to say that. I had no idea he would react like that."

Lovino felt a jolt of anger, but it died as quickly as it appeared like a firework. Of course Alfred didn't know. Of course he hadn't meant for that to happen. What happened wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. All it was was unfortunate. Not knowing what else to do, Lovino rested his head against the back of the couch, closed his eyes and tried to leave his own body.

After about ten minutes passed in an anxiety-filled, silent haze, the door opened. Lovino's eyes shot open and his heart jumped directly into his throat. His eyes flew to the front of room to see Antonio standing in the doorframe. He expected him to be teary-eyed, to look anxious, to at least be frowning… but he was smiling. His eyes were red and slightly swollen, his face was blotchy and he looked considerably more exhausted as a whole, but he was smiling. After all that happened, his smile remained as boundless as ever. It was amazing, just like him.

"Wow, I do apologize. Look at this mess." Antonio laughed as though nothing had happened and got to one knee. He quickly gathered the spilled papers and sat back down. "That was a bit silly of me. Let's just finish the meeting, yes?"

Yes, he was acting as cheerful as ever, but Lovino knew better. The corner of his mouth was twitching, and his eyes had darkened. No matter how good of an act he put up, what had happened affected him. It would affect anyone. The members of the group shared a series of confused glances, but the unspoken agreement must have been that it would be better to just move past the incident.

The next thirty minutes passed with a clearly fake, forced sense of normality. Antonio read aloud from the bible with that same quivering smile, occasionally asking for someone to comment on what he had just read. It was clear that Antonio was trying to hold an interesting discussion and his students were trying to at least humor him, but for the most part it was obvious everyone was only going through the motions.

When Antonio dismissed the class, everyone except Lovino was out the door in an instant. Lovino wasn't certain why he stayed put. He wasn't sure what he was going to do or say; yet something inside of him was simply demanding that he stay. The door closed behind the last of the others, and Antonio sighed like a deflating balloon. His tight smile finally fell again. "Well, I suppose I should…go…"

He took a step towards the door, and Lovino jumped to his feet. "No," he said firmly, immediately. "No, stay." _Please._

Antonio obeyed as if he was a dog responding to an order. "I cannot believe you're the one asking me to stay, Lovino. Usually it's the other way around," he said and laughed dryly.

Lovino's posture stiffened. He must have seemed desperate. He must have been annoying him. Regardless, he had to stay. He needed to be near him. "Whatever," he mumbled. "I just…I wanted to ask if you were alright, okay? Is that a damn crime now?"

Antonio shook his head. "To tell you the truth, no. I'm not okay." Lovino thought his lungs might just collapse under the ridiculous, overpowering sympathy the response filled him with. Antonio sighed. "How could I be alright? After I broke down like that in front of people I'm supposed to be mentoring," he paused, "in front of you. The last thing I want is to cause you to be upset. Are _you _alright, Lovino?"

Lovino could not believe this. After all that had just happened, after all the agony Antonio must have felt, he was concerned about _him? _"What?" He threw his hands in the air in a dramatic display of his disbelief. "Antonio, what in the hell are you talking about? Honestly, what do I matter?" When did Lovino ever matter? Why would he matter to anyone; and to something like Antonio? Of course he would not matter. He felt embarrassment flood through his veins when he felt tears spring to his eyes. He must have looked absolutely ridiculous. "What would I ever matter to someone like you?" Goddamn it. Damn it all to hell. He hadn't meant to say that, but really, what was the point of hiding it anymore?

Antonio's eyes widened and his mouth fell open for a brief second. He blinked away his momentary shock and his expression changed to concern. "Lovino." He took a step towards him, now only a couple of feet away. Lovino looked away on impulse when their eyes met, thoroughly humiliated and unsure how to deal with it. "Lovi, please look at me."

Lovino did not want to look at him, but at the same time, he did. The urge to do the latter won out, and he hesitantly looked into Antonio's eyes. Why did he look so concerned? "What?" He tried to sound annoyed, he really did. "God, what could you possibly want?"

A spark shot into Lovino's chest when Antonio gingerly picked up his hand. He didn't pull away. Rare moments like this had to be treasured, locked away in his memory forever for the days after Antonio came to his senses and stopped paying attention to him. His voice sent Lovino spiraling back into reality. "Lovino, how could you ask such a foolish question?" He took another step towards him, now so close their chests were almost touching. "Not only do you matter, you are everything. You are absolutely everything to me. Can you not see that?"

Lovino forget how to breathe. His throat threatened to close, and his heart sped up dangerously in his chest to the point he thought he might faint. "What?" The single word was a monumental struggle. But why, why him, why… "Why me? I'm not special."

Antonio knitted his brows together and held Lovino's hand tighter. "It absolutely breaks my heart, seeing how you see yourself. Oh, Lovi, what do I have to do to get you to see how beautiful you are?" Oh God, what was he saying, surely he would break away and laugh soon, surely this was a cruel joke… "You have helped me through so much. I know you like to pretend you don't care, Lovino, but I can see how kind your heart is. You truly are amazing, and anyone would be lucky to even know you."

Lovino tried to fight back the tears in his eyes, but he was quickly losing the battle. This was far too sudden, too intense and too unbelievable. Antonio meant what he said; he always did. He was not the type of man to lie. But what he was saying was so unreal, so unlike anything he had ever heard. Lovino quickly grew so confused he couldn't think straight. He ripped his hand away, instantly regretting it but too overcome with emotion to care.

"Why are you telling me this?" He nearly shouted the question. Was Antonio trying to torture him? "Why do you keep talking to me and paying attention to me and looking at me the goddamn way you do?"

The faintest smile appeared on Antonio's lips. "Oh, Lovino. Are you really telling me that you do not know?"

This was getting more confusing and torturous by the second. "Know what, bastard?" Something snapped. Lovino felt a dam from somewhere inside of him burst and everything he ever wanted to say explode from it. "How could I possibly know why someone like you is paying attention to me? You're ridiculous. You are so fucking ridiculous! But you're always so optimistic and passionate and kind no matter what happens to you, and I'm supposed to know why you're paying attention to a boring, gloomy person like me?" After what he said sunk in, the tears threatening to spring from his eyes finally did. He must have looked like such an idiot, and dammit, what was this _pain? _

Antonio just kept smiling. Why was he still smiling? _How _was he still smiling? "Boring and gloomy and hardly words I would use to describe you." His hands found Lovino's waist, encircling him. Lovino felt just the tiniest bit less hysterical, but about a hundred times more dizzy. "I suppose you really don't know. That's okay. All it means is I'll have to tell you."

"What don't I know?" Lovino's words came out in a harsh whisper. He could not stand being left in the dark, especially when Antonio was making it out to be such a big deal. "Just tell me, for the love of god, just spit it out…"

Antonio brought one of his hands to Lovino's chin and gently coaxed him to look up. Lovino swore the world stopped turning. "Oh, Lovino," he whispered next to his ear. Lovino felt a shudder shoot down his spine. "Can't you see? Can't you see that I'm wonderfully, completely, madly in love with you?"

The rest of the world faded into nothing. The words hit Lovino like a gush of cold water, and he suddenly felt light enough to fly. Having lost the ability to move, to think, he looked into Antonio's eyes for a long while. Then, in a moment that set his skin on fire, replaced his blood with lightening and filled him with the most intoxicating elation he had ever felt, Antonio moved the last couple of inches he had to and kissed him. Lovino realized, in a swift rush of ecstasy, that this was something he had waited his entire life for. No more hiding, no more denial, this was exactly what he had always craved and hoped for. Never did he think he would actually get it. Hell, he had never even admitted that he wanted it.

As suddenly as it started, it ended. Antonio pulled back and dropped his hands in a way that was almost frantic. Lovino slowly opened his eyes, too blissfully happy to care that he had pulled away. He was finally ready. "Antonio, I lo-"

But he could not finish. Antonio's hand flew to his mouth and he took a step back. His eyes were wild. "Oh my God," he said in what was almost a scream. "Oh my god, Lovino, I am so sorry. I didn't mean…"

Reality crashed back into Lovino like a train, and he stopped hearing him. There was only one reason Antonio could be sorry. This was a mistake. All that Antonio had said- it had all been nothing but a big, misguided _lie. _Antonio did not love him. Of course he did not love him. A roar filled Lovino's ears and his heart felt as though someone was squeezing it. Goddamn it, how could he possibly have been so stupid? How could he ever believe that what Antonio had said could ever apply to him in a million years? Of course, he had been a mistake. He was always nothing but a damn mistake. He wasn't capable of being anything but. Why he ever had the arrogance, the idiocy to think anything different was beyond him. Lovino gritted his teeth to stop the tears.

Absolute despair bubbled in Lovino's chest and finally turned to a powerful, all-consuming rage. With all the strength he had in him, he shoved Antonio so hard he nearly fell over. "Fuck you!" he screamed at the very top of his lungs. Once he started, he could not stop. "Fuck you, bastard! What the hell is your problem?" No, no, stop… "Is this what people like you do? Go around kissing teenagers? Well guess what, asshole? I'm not like you! I could never be like you, it's gross!" No, these were lies, thoughtless, terrible lies… "Never come near me ever again! You're disgusting, Antonio! Everything about you is fucking disgusting!" The venomous words burned Lovino's tongue as he said them. He was sure he had never said something that untrue in his life, but in that moment, he did not care. He only started to care after he realized what he said.

Antonio stared back at him in horror, frozen in place for a few seconds that felt like a million years. The silence was terrible, the way Antonio broke it was worse. "I am so sorry, Lovino…" With that, Antonio threw open the door and ran out.

_What have I done? _"Antonio, I-" But Lovino's words were too weak and disposable, and it was already far, far too late.

When he was sure he was alone, Lovino let out a strangled cry, sunk to the floor, and covered his face with his arms. All the emotions he had been holding back for months had exploded and now roamed free in his body. They were suffocating him, making it impossible to move as if he had fallen in wet cement. This was what he got for thinking something like this could ever work out for him. His response had proved that. Antonio was absolutely everything, and he had yelled at him like he was some kind of animal. No wonder he was sorry he kissed him. He did not deserve Antonio. He did not deserve to be anywhere near him.

He didn't deserve to be anything but a mistake.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	14. Chapter 14

_Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? (Job 17:15)_

* * *

Lovino remembered what his first kiss had been like. He had been in middle school, forced to go to some party by one of his friends that were more like acquaintances. Being the hormonal little shits they were, someone had the brilliant idea to play 'seven minutes in heaven.' It was an extremely uncomfortable, painfully awkward affair, yet it continued for God knows how long. Eventually, Lovino could not escape taking a turn.

The empty soda bottle they had been using ended up pointing to an olive-skinned girl with dark hair tied into pigtails. Lovino knew nothing about her more other than her name- Michelle. With an embarrassed flush forming on his cheeks, he grudgingly stood up and followed the girl into the walk-in closet while the others whooped and whistled behind him.

It wasn't that Michelle was ugly. Really, she was rather cute. The majority of the guys in their class had a crush on her. Lovino could nearly feel the jealous stares boring into his back when the bottle landed on her. So when she leaned in and kissed him, it should have been explosive. Amazing. Life-altering. But it wasn't. 'Gross' wasn't the right word. A more accurate description would have been 'flat.' With Antonio, it had been anything but. That kiss made Lovino feel as though he had been shot to another planet.

Now, he was crashing back down to earth.

.

Some time later, Lovino realized he could not stay curled up on the floor forever. Maybe some part of him still believed Antonio would come back. Maybe an even smaller part believed Lovino could somehow fix the monumental mess he made for himself, but deep down he knew that wouldn't happen. Eventually, Feliciano would come looking for him. Come to think of it, how long had he left Feliciano waiting? God, had he managed to mess that up, too?

Lovino pried himself off the floor and started towards the door. Before he entered the lobby, he took a very long, deep breath and wiped his bleary eyes. He would need to put on the performance of lifetime to convince Feliciano nothing had happened. He needed to act like his entire world didn't shatter like glass and slice him open just a moment ago. With all the inner-strength he could muster, he exited the room, walked through the lobby and made his way outside- where he found Ludwig and Feliciano. Kissing.

Any other time, Lovino would have slapped the German bastard across the face for touching his little brother. But now all he could was stare for long enough that it was probably creepy, wondering what it would be like if that were him and Antonio, wondering what it would be like if he hadn't said it was a mistake, and Lovino hadn't called him those things. Once he came to his senses, Lovino shook his head and concentrated on keeping his tears at bay. "We should go, Feliciano."

Feliciano squeaked in surprise and pulled away from Ludwig, who turned scarlet, said a rushed goodbye and started off in the other direction. Feliciano turned red himself and took a staggered step backwards. "L-Lovi, please don't be mad, I-"

Lovino was far too exhausted to be mad. Even if he wasn't emotionally and physically drained beyond belief, he couldn't say he would be angry regardless. Feliciano was happy. The person he was kissing did not apologize for doing so. He would be a monster if he were upset about that. Lovino shook his head and held his hand in front of him. "I don't care. Let's just go."

Feliciano stayed silent and stared at him, confusion evident on his face. After a long silence he finally said, "Oh. Okay."

Feliciano didn't take long to recover from his embarrassment and figure out something was wrong. Lovino expected as much. His brother was more in-tune with emotions than anyone he had ever known. They hadn't taken so much as ten steps before he spoke up again. "Lovino…why did you take so long back there?" he said slowly, carefully. "Is everything okay? How's Antonio?"

If only those questions- those two menial, everyday questions- didn't have such complex answers. Lovino found himself reliving the five minutes that had gone from confusing to wonderful to insurmountably terrible as quickly as a roller coaster speeds down a track. He knew if he did not stop he would cry again. He would never live it down if Feliciano saw him cry, he was always the strong one, he could handle this, no he couldn't, he…

"Lovino?" The concern in Feliciano's voice was dreadfully apparent.

Lovino forced the painful memory to the back of his mind. "Oh," he managed to say. "Everything is fine. Antonio is just…tired. That's all." He shook his head. "Bastard." He said it under his breath as if to try and convince himself of it.

"Oh." Feliciano both looked and sounded unconvinced. He didn't say anything for about a minute, as if he were searching for the right words. "What do you think of Antonio, Lovino?"

Lovino almost laughed at the horribly ironic timing. What did he think of Antonio? Antonio was everything. That was all there was to say, but he obviously could not say that. Instead, he discredited it all with a cowardly lie. "Antonio is an idiot. Why would you ask such a strange question?" He tried to sound indifferent. Maybe he would start to believe his own lies soon.

Feliciano frowned. "Are you sure, Lovi?" He was speaking too gently, as if Lovino was a child. "If you think he's an idiot, why would you keep talking to him? You go out of your way to do it, too. Like you stay after class, and-"

Lovino was fairly sure they had had this conversation before. "_He_ talks to _me_. Not the other way around. I can't stop him from talking to me." Although, he was certain he had just done exactly that. As forgiving as Antonio was, who in their right mind would willingly speak with someone who called them _disgusting? _He bit his inner lip so hard he tasted blood. "I'm sure it doesn't matter anymore."

"Doesn't matter anymore?" Feliciano looked confused, but after a moment his eyes shot open. "Something _did _happen, didn't it? I knew you were acting strange! What happened, Lovi? You can tell me."

Feliciano placed his hand on Lovino's shoulder, but Lovino quickly shrugged it off. "What are you talking about?" he said indignantly. "Nothing happened. Don't be stupid." Lovino knew his brother didn't deserve the insult, but he had spoken before he thought, as it was quickly becoming a habit. The absolute last thing he wanted to do was talk about Antonio for even one second longer. All he wanted to do was go to his room, lock the door and never face the outside world ever again.

Feliciano drew his lips into a thin line. The less than subtle hint must have been taken, because the rest of the walk home passed in silence. The moment they arrived home, Lovino ignored his grandfather, all but ran into his room, locked the door and finally released the tears he had been holding back. Somehow, he knew he would be doing a lot of that from now on.

.

Knocking.

Lovino had no idea how long he had been in his room, or even how long ago the knocking started. He had been far too busy withdrawing into his own little world, imagining dozens upon dozens of different ways today could have gone differently. He knew he was torturing himself. He knew doing this was fruitless. But that did not stop him. Hell, he was sure he couldn't stop if he tried. The only thing that snapped him out of this dejection-fueled trance was the sound of Feliciano's voice.

_"__Fratello, _please answer me!" His voice held an edge of anxiety. "You locked the door, and you missed dinner! I don't want you to go hungry, I saved you some pasta, but if you don't come out of there you can't eat it so you need to come out!"

Lovino sighed. Panicking his brother wasn't going to do a damn thing to help anyone, so he finally said, "Alright, Feli. Give me thirty seconds. Jesus."

Before going to the door, Lovino glanced in the mirror on his dresser. As expected, he looked a mess. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was sticking out in all directions, and his cheeks were tearstained. He groaned, both ashamed and angry about the reflection staring back at him, mocking him. This was absolutely unacceptable. He had a wall built around himself for a reason, dammit! The second he allowed that Spanish idiot to break it down, _this _happened. Of course- this was exactly what he deserved. Lovino made an attempt to look halfway decent and went to answer the door.

"I wasn't hungry," he said.

Feliciano only looked at him for a long while. It was obvious- he saw right through him. "Lovino, it's pretty obvious that something is wrong. Won't you please tell me? I told you about what happened when I got upset after confession, so I think you could at least-"

Lovino cut him off. "This is nothing like that," he said unthinkingly. It was a true statement. What had happened with Feliciano and Ludwig was absolutely nothing like this. That had ended well enough for the both of them. Lovino shook his head. "Just… don't worry about it. It's nothing, it's fine."

Feliciano gaped at him. "Don't worry about it? But Lovi! You're my brother, I can't just stop worrying about you!" Then, he launched himself onto Lovino and hugged him. "Please talk to me, Lovi!"

Lovino gasped, though he was not sure why. Feliciano hugged him all the time. He was infamous for hugging everyone. Yet this felt different…no, he knew why. The last person to hug him was Antonio. Antonio was always hugging him. Antonio. _Antonio. _A rush of emotion slammed into Lovino like a raging current. He spoke and acted impulsively. "What are you doing?" He pushed Feliciano off of him like he was some kind of dangerous animal, desperate to stop the pain. "Just…just leave me the hell alone! Fucking Christ!"

Then, he slammed the door in his face. Lovino quickly came back to his senses and realized he had yelled at Feliciano- sweet, kind Feliciano- just like he had yelled at Antonio- loving, wonderful Antonio. No wonder he was alone. No wonder Antonio was sorry, no wonder, no wonder…he sunk to the floor, willing his head to stop spinning and his rushing thoughts to stop piercing through his heart.

Lovino had never hated himself more than he did in that moment.

.

Ringing.

Goddammit, where was his phone? Lovino was sure he had switched the blasted thing off. No, that's right- Roma had told him to keep it on when Feliciano announced he was going somewhere with Ludwig the previous Saturday, just in case he needed something. He followed the sound to the drawer he had thrown it in; terrified he would call Antonio on impulse if the phone was in his reach. Well, there was no way Antonio would be calling now. It was probably some telemarketer or something, maybe a wrong number. Lovino looked at the caller ID…no. That _was_ Antonio's number.

He froze as the phone continued to ring. What could Antonio possibly be calling for? He could imagine it now: '_Hola, Lovino. I was just calling to say that every second of time I spent with you was a mistake. I don't actually love you. By the way, you're a jerk.' _He would speak in the same cheerfulness, still with a smile, then he would laugh in that same breathtaking way…Lovino closed his eyes. At the same time, he knew he should pick it up. This could quite possibly be his last chance to fix things.

But he didn't pick it up. He simply could not do it. He could not deal with this, any of this. Whatever heart-breaking things Antonio had to say, Lovino did not want to hear it. He was not ready to accept it. With trembling hands, he picked the phone up and ripped the battery out.

Who cared about that Spanish bastard, anyway?

.

Enough was enough.

Come Sunday, a frigidly cold day near the end of November, Lovino made the decision that he was done moping around and feeling sorry for himself. It was pathetic. This entire situation was pathetic, just as much as it was hopeless. No matter how much pain it would inevitably bring him, Lovino knew that he had to face Antonio again. Yes, he would face Antonio, face whatever deserved consequences it would cause, and then accept the result. He would be mature. As much as he would like to think it was, he didn't exactly have a choice. They had group today.

As Lovino walked to church- much more quickly than he should, and ignoring Feliciano's demands to slow down- he listed all the possibilities almost compulsively in his thoughts. The best-case scenario would be that Antonio threw himself at him, blubbering apologies for things he didn't do. At the same time, that would be the worst thing to happen, because Lovino wouldn't know how to react and he would probably screw it up again and dammit this was getting him nowhere!

Repressing the rest of his endless worrying, Lovino entered the church lobby. It didn't take long for him to spot Antonio. Then again, it never did. He was sure Antonio saw him, too… and immediately turned away when he they locked eyes. In less time than it took him to even realize it, Lovino's confidence from earlier fizzled and died as abruptly as a candle being blown out. Now that Antonio was within his line of sight, he felt as though he forgot how to be human. He was unsure what to do with his hands, his arms, and suddenly became hyperaware of how he was standing, like a baby deer. He couldn't be sure exactly what he was feeling, whether it was nervousness or anger or regret, but he supposed that did not matter.

With trembling legs, Lovino walked up to Antonio and tried to seem indifferent. "Hey. Bastard." Not the best greeting, but at least it was normal. Normal for them.

Antonio turned around, and Lovino instantly knew something was very wrong. For one thing, he wasn't smiling. Antonio not smiling was about as normal as water turning to blood, and he was sure it was equally as disturbing. His eyes held no passion, but were instead dark and dead. His head snapped back when he first saw Lovino standing before him, but it took almost no time to blink away his shock. His eventual response was dry, formal. "Hello, Lovino." No interminable enthusiasm. No wild laughter. No personal nicknames.

Lovino forgot how to speak English, or any language for that matter. This, he had not expected. Really, what had he expected? His mind was such a mess that he could not even remember what unrealistic fantasy out of dozens that he had wanted the most. Well aware that hadn't thought this far ahead, he wracked his brain for a response and said the very first thing that came to mind. "No sermon again today?"

Antonio blinked, his expression still blank as printer paper. "No." He wrung his hands together and concentrated on nothing but the simple action for a long moment. Then, he glanced quickly at Lovino and arched and eyebrow like he wasn't sure why he was still here. "Did you need something?"

This was too much. "Are we just going to pretend last week didn't happen?" Lovino's voice held an unfamiliar strain of what was almost panic. _Don't do this to me._

"Look," said Antonio, his dead eyes momentarily flickering with life. He sighed, ran a hand through that perpetually messy hair, and finally returned to this strange apathetic character he had adopted. "I apologize for what I did. I wasn't thinking, and I was completely out of line. I have crossed so many boundaries with you, and I realize now that I need to stop." He appeared to look not at, but through Lovino. "I suppose my feelings were too strong for me to tell the difference between right and wrong." The way he said it was shockingly casual, as if he were summarizing the weather rather than shattering Lovino's heart.

Lovino felt a tidal wave of confusion crash into every part of him. He stopped breathing almost completely, his mind exploding into racing thought. Did that mean…no; it couldn't possibly mean…that he had misunderstood Antonio? All of this pain, all of those tears had been over a _misunderstanding? _Lovino cursed his temper, his tendency to overreact, absolutely everything about himself. Wait, he could change this, this was fixable, this was so confusing… "Antonio, no, I…" Shit, shit, shit, what was there to say? He needed to come up with something, fast. Lovino felt his face grow red and his hands become clammy. "I…"

Only Antonio held out his hand, stopping him from even attempting to explain. "You told me to leave you alone, and that's exactly what I'm going to do." He hesitated for such a short time Lovino was sure he had imagined it, then walked off into a crowd of people he did not know.

"But…" Lovino watched Antonio disappear into the crowd until he could no longer be seen. He brought his hands to his face and spoke into them, as softy as he could possibly manage. "…I love you."

And it hurt too damn much.

.

Group was terrible. Antonio spoke without passion, without smiling, without any of the spirit that made him who he was. Lovino was certain that each and every person in the room had taken notice. How could they not, when the change was so abrupt and severe? Using every ounce of control he still managed to hold onto, Lovino trained himself to keep his eyes locked on the floor. No matter how badly he wanted to look up, he knew that catching sight of Antonio's listless eyes and his crestfallen expression would only serve as a reminder of what he had ruined- everything he had ruined in one split second of foolishly instinctive, thoughtless anger.

Maybe this was for the better. If it had somehow worked out with Antonio, if some miracle occurred that allowed them to be together, Lovino was sure it would not last for long. Sooner rather than later, Antonio would come to his senses and realize exactly how much better he could do. That would surely hurt more than losing the possibility over a misunderstanding. It would indisputably be better than seeing how wonderful it could be and then losing it in an instant. That was what Lovino desperately told himself, at least. That thought was keeping him sane.

After Antonio dismissed the meeting with a weak clap, he stood up and exited the room with such purpose it seemed as though simply being inside was suffocating him. Lovino watched him go, sighed, and got up himself. He did not try to go after him. Without consciously thinking the words, he knew he had given up on this, on _them_. Somewhere along the line, he realized with a blast of shame that he had not simply ruined something for himself, no. Lovino had somehow managed to ruin _Antonio, _and that was the real tragedy.

While he was walking home with Feliciano, he made a decision: Today had been his last day at that church.

* * *

_To be continued..._


	15. Chapter 15

_Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins. __(James 4:17)_

* * *

The next week, Lovino was fully intent on keeping his decision final. With a forced sense of numbness running through his veins and freezing his blood, he walked up to the church with Feliciano, said a curt goodbye, and turned on his heel. Feliciano, of course, was having no part of it. "Lovino! Where are you going?"

Lovino didn't know where he was going, and he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, any place where he didn't have to be around Antonio was just fine. The further away he was from Antonio, the further away he was from his feelings. "Nowhere. Don't worry about it," he said. "Look, I'll be back before your class gets out. I have my phone. Go find your German potato bastard and call me if you need something."

Feliciano grabbed his hand before Lovino could take another step. "What? Lovi, you're worrying me!" His pained facial expression was heartbreaking. Lovino looked away. "You won't leave your room, you barely eat, you won't talk to me or Grandpa, and now you won't even come to group!" Feliciano paused, his eyes flickering from side to side like the answer to his brother's behavior was written somewhere in the sky. "Maybe seeing Antonio would help."

That did it. A burst of regret bubbled in Lovino's chest and caused his heart to seize with pain. "Shut the hell up, Feliciano!" He tore his arm from his grasp and started to walk again. Somehow, Feliciano managed to get in front of him, forming a physical barrier with his body.

His eventual words were as firm as his stance. "If you don't come inside with me, I'm telling Grandpa."

Lovino narrowed his eyes and grabbed Feliciano's shoulders more with more force than what was even remotely necessary. "Feliciano." Without even thinking about, he used the one thing that was equivalent to a shot below the belt. "If you tell Grandpa about this, I'm telling him about Ludwig. I'll tell him about confession, the retreat, everything."

Feliciano let out a short gasp. "You're lying." His voice suggested that he was about to cry. "You wouldn't do that."

Lovino kept his unreadable expression, though there was a storm of guilt brewing inside of him. This was not fair. This was shameless blackmail, and it was wrong. For the love of God, this was his own brother! But with a flat voice and a numb mind, he said, "Watch me." He released Feliciano's shoulders, turned away, and started down the sidewalk.

There were tears in his eyes when he heard Feliciano call to him. "What happened to you, Lovino? You were always grumpy, but now you're just _mean!_" After the declaration, he heard a series of footsteps and the heavy doors of the church slam shut.

The words hit Lovino like bullets. "Dammit, It's not like I meant for this to happen!" He said it even though no one was around to hear him.

Without even bothering to zip his jacket, he walked off into the frigidly cold evening to an unknown location. He knew he could not go home. Roma would have his head if he knew he skipped group. The coffee shop as well as every store in the area was closed for the night. He barely had any friends to speak of, and he definitely wasn't close enough with them to just show up at one of their houses, not that he knew where any of them lived. This situation was pitiable, more so than Lovino had the heart to admit. He was running away from his problems like a scared little boy, and he had no intentions to change that.

Some time passed before Lovino looked up. He had been walking for God knows how long, taking random paths and going down unfamiliar streets without even thinking about it. He knew this town well enough. Finding the way back to the church to walk Feliciano home would be no problem. Even if it wasn't, did it even matter? Feliciano had the German idiot to keep him safe now. In fact, he probably liked the kraut better than he liked Lovino. Of course he did, and really, who could blame him?

When Lovino finally took in his surroundings, he realized he had somehow ended up in the sleaziest area that this small town had to offer. All that meant was some poorly lit backstreet lined with a few musty bars, but somehow, it felt just dangerous enough to get his mind off of Antonio. The darkened street smelled of liquor and the air hung heavy with cigarette smoke. The people lingering outside were loud and belligerent. A fistfight went on outside one of the pubs. It was slightly frightening, it was gross, and best of all- it was absolutely nothing like church. It was the kind of place Antonio- or anyone Lovino knew, for that matter- would never be caught dead in.

It was perfect.

Lovino sauntered down the street, his stride suggesting he had about ten times the amount of self-confidence he actually had. He heard someone whistle, presumably at him, and he fought the urge to throw out a stream of curse words in response. His posture stiffened and his face turned red, the coolness he had managed to fake fading at a rapid rate. Finally, he leaned against one of the run-down buildings. Maybe this was a bad idea, he should go, he did not belong here-

"Hey there."

Lovino looked to his side, in the direction of the unfamiliar voice. Standing before him was a man that appeared to be about thirty. His breath smelled like alcohol, his clothes were shabby and his hair was a matted mess. This man was definitely nothing like Antonio. "What do you want?" snapped Lovino. He quickly shoved his clammy hands into his pockets.

"You're too pretty to be hanging around here alone," the man said with a sneer. He took a step closer to Lovino and put his hand above his head on the wall.

Lovino swallowed thickly and pressed his back against the bricks. He knew he should run, he knew just being here was incredibly stupid, yet he didn't move. He didn't care enough to. He bit the side of his cheek and feigned confidence. "I'm not pretty, bastard. I'm a boy." Antonio's words from so long ago suddenly came back to him. _Beauty isn't gender exclusive, Lovi. _Goddammit, stop…

"Oh, I know." The man smirked in a way that made Lovino's stomach turn. "How about I buy you a drink?"

Lovino adverted his eyes. His instincts pushed him towards either a fight or flight reaction, but he ignored both of the equally powerful urges. "I'm seventeen."

The man scoffed. "Like it matters."

If just walking into this place wasn't a bad idea, this definitely was. Even if that was true, every cell in Lovino's body screamed for excitement. He desperately craved absolutely anything that gave him an escape from his everyday life, from himself. So without allowing any time for reasonable thought, Lovino responded in a way he knew he would regret later. "Okay."

The inside of the bar was even more dilapidated than the outside. There was no one checking IDs, no bouncers, and nothing to suggest that anything remotely good ever came out of this building. Ignoring the rational part of himself that screamed for him to run, Lovino sat down on a tattered barstool and accepted the glass of unidentified green liquid he was handed. "Um, thanks."

The man smiled again and nodded, and Lovino took a sip. The minute he did, he nearly choked. Beyond the occasional glass of wine Roma gave him on special occasions, Lovino had no drinking experience to speak of. That being said, he knew whatever was in this cup was strong. Oh well. He was already in this far, so he might as well dive deeper into the void. Lovino took another long drink, ignoring the way it burned this throat.

"Slow down. We don't want you too drunk." The man was sitting so close Lovino could smell the stale booze on his breath. Before he could wonder what he meant by that, the nameless man continued to speak. "So, what brings you out here? We usually don't get your type."

Lovino scoffed as if that was ridiculous. "My type? I go to places like this all the damn time." _Liar. _He took another sip of the strange drink and felt his head spin pleasantly. This was exactly what he needed. He could feel his thoughts of Antonio- as well as his inhibitions- start to fade away. Take that, Antonio.

The man laughed, cold and joyless. "Yeah, right. Someone like you wouldn't last an hour." He smirked and signaled for the barkeep to fill Lovino's nearly empty glass. Against his better judgment, he downed about half of it in a second. The man's eyes lit up like was pleased. "Enough of this small talk shit. How much?"

Without warning, he reached out and grabbed Lovino's thigh. Lovino felt a cold panic rise in his chest, then immediately jerked his leg away. The simple touch made him feel violated beyond belief. "What the hell are you talking about?" he finally managed to say.

He tried to get up, but the man grasped him by the sides. The touch made Lovino's skin crawl and his stomach twist. "Don't pretend you didn't know what this was about." He tightened his grip to a point that it was painful and shrugged. "You know what? Whatever. I bought you the drink, that's payment enough." Then, he pulled Lovino towards him forcefully and pressed his lips against his.

He tasted like alcohol and cigarettes. This was nothing like the kiss with Antonio; this was disgusting. Lovino pulled away, and the room began to sway dangerously around him. He instantly knew he shouldn't have had so much to drink. "What the hell is your problem, bastard? Get off of me!" He tried to twist out of the man's grip, but he was too strong. The realization hit with a sickening wave of nausea: He was trapped.

"Come on." Before he realized what was happening, Lovino felt the man grab his arm and pull him on the chair. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. His legs felt like they didn't belong to him, and room turned on its side. There was no one else in the bar. There was no one to save him. The man pushed him against the wall and starting tearing at his shirt like a wild animal, pressing revolting kisses against his mouth. Lovino could not escape his hold no matter how much he struggled. _Antonio, help…_

With a loud crack, the man fell to the floor. Lovino looked up, and in a moment of alcohol-soaked madness expected Antonio to be there. "T-Toni…"

"I suggest you leave the boy alone, _da?_" … Except the voice was too high pitched, and the accent was Russian rather than Spanish.

The man sputtered from his spot on the floor, wiping the blood from under his nose. "What the hell?"

He almost attempted to stand up, but the Russian leaned over and his mouth twitched into a small, calm smile. "Leave now, or I hit you with pickax." His voice was without anger, even sweet. Even so, it sent a chill down Lovino's spine. The man likely felt the same thing, since he pried himself from the floor and ran out the door.

The Russian stood up straight again, stretching out to his full, towering height. Lovino got a good look at him for the first time. Even though his vision was beginning to blur, he instantly knew he recognized this man. He had that same gentle smile, those same violet eyes and that same scarf that he never seemed to take off. This was his neighbor. This was… "Ivan?" said Lovino in disbelief. The last person he expected to see here was someone from his neighborhood.

Ivan nodded. "Yes. And you are Roma's grandson, Lovino." He gave him the once over and frowned. "Too young to be here."

Lovino adverted his eyes and focused instead on fixing his shirt, ashamed. "I guess," he mumbled. "I needed to clear my head, alright?"

"This is bad place to do that."

Lovino grimaced. "Yeah? And does Yao know you hang out here?"

"Yao needs not know everything, _da?_" Ivan chuckled lightly and his small smile returned. "What did you drink?"

Lovino felt an embarrassed flush creep across his neck. How could he be so stupid to drink something given to him by stranger, especially when he didn't even know what it was? "Uh, it was green, and it was strong-"

"Absinthe." Ivan shook his head. "Much too strong for boy of your size. The people around here have intentions that are not pure."

Well no shit, Sherlock. "I think I got that. I should go now." Lovino took a step forward and staggered. Dammit, he was never drinking again. How much time had passed, anyway? Feliciano was probably wondering where he was, probably _this _close to running home and telling Roma. How had he even gotten here? He should have paid attention to where he was going. Now that he was drunk, finding his way back would be even harder.

Ivan draped his arm over Lovino's shoulders to steady him. Somehow, it didn't feel threatening. "I walk you home. You cannot trust these people."

Lovino wiped his mouth, dying to get the taste of the man that was not Antonio off his lips. He was intent on getting home and taking a long, scorching hot shower, but there was something he needed to do first. "I need to go to Catholic Church by my house," he mumbled, quickly taking notice how ironic it was to go from a place like this to a place like that. Well, they were both evil in their own way. That specific church was just sneakier about it.

Ivan nodded. "This is probably good idea. This place, it is ungodly."

Wasn't that the truth?

Lovino allowed Ivan to lead him out of the bar, out of the seedy area he knew he would not return to, and through the twisting streets he had unknowingly taken. Ivan didn't try to make conversation, and that was just fine with Lovino. He was far too overwhelmed with nausea and vertigo to even think about talking, and that wasn't just from the alcohol. When they reached the end of the sidewalk that turned onto the street the church was on, Ivan withdrew his arm and smiled in that same unassuming way. It was so strange.

"Uh, thanks," said Lovino under his breath.

Ivan clapped a hand on his shoulder. "If you need to clear mind again, please do not go to the bars. Come to my house." He tilted his head slightly. "I will tell Yao. He will understand."

Lovino blinked. Why was he being so nice to him? He had gotten himself in this mess. Ivan had gone way out of his way to help him. "Are you sure?" he said carefully. Ivan seemed nice enough, but there was something…off, about him.

Ivan nodded. "Is for the best." Then he pivoted on his foot and walked off in the other direction, as if he were a very large, intimidating, Russian guardian angel.

Lovino walked down the sidewalk parallel to the church, having to take great care not to stumble. He could only pray that it wasn't as noticeable as he thought it was. When he got close enough to see that doors, he saw that Feliciano was waiting with Ludwig outside. As expected, he wasted no time tearing into Lovino. "Lovi! We've been waiting here for almost half an hour! I called you, like, ten times!"

Lovino pulled his forgotten phone from his pocket and illuminated the screen, nearly dropping it in the process. Damn, why was there two of them? Sure enough, when he got his eyes to focus on the screen he noticed there was a series of 'missed call' alerts. "Sorry," he mumbled, not able to think of anything else to say. "I was…busy."

Ludwig tapped Feliciano on the shoulder and waved goodbye. Good on you, Potato Bastard. Sticking around would likely be a bad idea. "Busy?" Feliciano stuck out his bottom lip, but the pout disappeared when he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered. "Let's just go home, it's so cold!" That much was true. It was probably less than forty degrees.

When they were halfway down the sidewalk, Lovino almost made the mistake of thinking he was off the hook. But of course, Feliciano wouldn't let him off that easy. "Lovi, you smell funny. Where did you go?"

Was it really that obvious? He couldn't be sure if it was the drinks he had or just plain exhaustion, but Lovino felt no need to lie. "I went to a bar." He decided to omit the details. The way Feliciano viewed him would likely become worse than it already had if he told him. When did he stop being a roll model and become the absolute last thing he ever wanted Feliciano to turn into?

Feliciano looked at him as if he had spontaneously combusted. "What?" The word was almost a gasp. "Lovino! You can't do that! I…" He shook his head, and when he stopped his eyes were firm. "I have to tell Grandpa."

"Remember what I said, Feliciano."

Tears welled up in Feliciano's eyes in a split second. His mood swings were just as unpredictable as always. "But I have to!" He wiped away his tears and continued in a quick, shaking voice. "You're going to get hurt, and I don't know what else to do! You never tell me anything anymore and…and I'm scared!"

In the midst of his alcohol-induced haze, Lovino realized how unfair he was being. Blackmailing and worrying his little brother wasn't going to do shit to help his own disaster of a situation. He sighed and forced himself to soften his expression. "Feli, it's alright. I won't do it again, okay? It was stupid. I know that." The memory of the man hit like a smack to the face, and he shuddered.

Feliciano nodded. He visibly relaxed, if only a little bit. "Okay," he said. "Does that mean you'll go to group next week?"

Lovino was afraid he would ask that. He sighed and slowly shook his head. "No."

"But-"

"Look, Feli," he said. "I just need to figure some things out, alright? I promise I won't do anything stupid next time. And for the love of God, just don't tell Grandpa. I need you to do this for me."

Feliciano opened his mouth to speak, but quickly closed it. Instead he simply pursed his lips and nodded, then took Lovino's hand. Lovino didn't protest. He knew he owed that much to him. They walked like that for the rest of the way home.

Lovino got in the shower minutes after he entered the house. He put the water on so hot it raised angry welts on his skin and scrubbed his body so hard he went through half a bar of soap, as if doing so would somehow wash away the memory. He stayed there until Roma pounded on the door and mumbled something about the water bill.

During his time in the thick fog of his bathroom, Lovino accepted something he already knew. Doing incredibly stupid things would not miraculously fix what had happened with Antonio. Hell, judging by the way every little thing he saw in the bar reminded Lovino of him no matter how much he drank, it wouldn't even help him forget. Antonio had found his way into Lovino's heart and was now refusing to leave.

That was more terrifying than anything that had happened that night.

_Six weeks later…_

The next month and a half managed to pass with something that was almost a routine. A chilly fall faded into a frigid winter. Somewhere in the midst of it all was a forgettable Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, each passing unremarkably. Lovino still had not managed to eradicate Antonio from his thoughts, but not seeing him had caused him to fade into what was almost a distant memory. Some days, he almost felt as though all that had happened between them was nothing more than a crazy, wonderful dream that ended in a nightmare.

On Sundays, Lovino did not return to the bars. After all, he didn't have a death wish. He didn't take Ivan up on his offer to come to his house, either. During these days he wanted nothing more than to be alone. Instead he wandered the safe parts of town, not caring how cold it got. Feliciano managed to keep quiet. The blackmail they had on each other lingered between them like a force field, acting as an unspoken, conscious treaty that neither of them dared to break. Somehow, Roma remained oblivious.

Almost every Sunday, Feliciano would timidly approach Lovino after group and deliver some message that Antonio had supposedly given him. It was always fairly simply, something around the lines of, _'Antonio wants_ _to know if you're coming back' _or, _'Antonio says you should keep your phone on' _or most commonly, simply, _'Antonio says he's sorry.'_ There was never an explanation as to why he was sorry, however. When he heard these messages, Lovino would roll his eyes and scoff, acting as though he didn't feel a painful swelling in his chest at every mention of Antonio's name. In these weeks, Lovino received a grand total of five calls from Antonio. He ignored each and every one, fearing what he might say.

Most days passed in an empty, numb haze. Today- late in the evening after a group meeting that Lovino had, of course, not attended- was no exception. Lovino was sitting in his room doing absolutely nothing when there was a timid knocking at the door. "Lovino?" Feliciano said from the other side. "Lovi, you hardly ever come out of there anymore. Can we please talk? Please?"

Lovino sighed. It was true- he barely spoke to anyone these days. There was simply nothing to say. However, the desperation mixed with concern in Feliciano's voice was enough to let him in. "Alright, Feli. Come in."

Feliciano opened the door, walked in and sat next to Lovino on the bed. At first, he looked unsure about what to say. "Father O'Brian came back a couple of weeks ago," he said finally. "People are just acting like he never left."

Lovino grimaced. "Did he say anything to you?"

"I hide behind Ludwig when I see him, and that usually works pretty well," Feliciano said with a shrug. "But today he saw me and asked how my…uh…'problem' was. He acted really nice, but it was still scary. I just kept nodding until he went away."

"Oh." Lovino knew that this 'problem' was a reference to Feliciano's confession from so many weeks ago. Sickened by the memory, he quickly changed the subject. "How's the potato bastard? Being in that church hasn't convinced you to split up yet?" Really, Lovino could care less how Ludwig was doing. He was always at their house, so he knew he and Feliciano were still together. The only reason he asked was because he knew where this conversation would eventually go, and he was using Ludwig as an attempt to distract Feliciano.

Feliciano smiled at the mention of his name, or rather the slightly immature nickname Lovino had for him. "Ludwig is okay," he said. "I don't think I could stay away from him no matter what the church says, it would just be too hard." …Yet Lovino had managed to stay away from Antonio for this long. As if Feliciano had read his mind and wanted only to spite him, he steered the conversation in the very direction Lovino had tried to avoid. "Antonio keeps asking about you, Lovino."

Lovino felt as if his stomach had done a summersault. His better judgment told him to leave the statement unanswered, but he ignored it. Ignoring his own logic had become a bit of a habit. "What does he say?" He already knew the answer but asked anyway. He tried to sound like he didn't care, though a scream erupted in his body that said he did.

"A lot of things." Feliciano adverted his eyes. "He asks if you're coming back, he asks if you're mad, and he says he's sorry a lot but he won't ever tell me why. I never know what to tell him." He paused for a long moment. "Lovi?"

"Hmm?"

"You know what happened before you stopped going? When Antonio dropped all his papers and ran out of the room?"

Lovino felt his chest tighten and his breath catch. Of course he remembered, how could he forget something so terrible? "Yeah," he said. "What about it?"

Feliciano frowned, still without looking up. "Well, the same kind of thing has been happening a lot. It's kind of like what happens to me sometimes…" He bit his lip and continued in a shallow, quiet voice. "Just in the past six times I've gone, it's happened to him, like, four times. I think."

Lovino was beginning to feel nauseous. If it had happened four times just during group, how many times had it happened in total? He pushed through the sick feeling and responded. "What do you mean?" he asked without thinking about it, though he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know.

"Like, we'll be listening to a sermon and he'll leave all of a sudden, or we'll be talking about something in group and he'll start shaking and breathing heavy. He'll have to leave the room, but then he comes back and pretends it never happened." Feliciano picked at the bedspread. "I think you should come back, Lovi. He seems like he really wants to see you."

The truth was, Lovino wanted to come back. He was beyond tired of hiding, of sitting around and wondering what could have been. Now that he knew how terrible Antonio had been doing, he wanted to come back even more. Still, he felt as if it was simply too late. After the disaster of a kiss, the cold way Antonio had acted, and six weeks of Lovino ignoring him, he felt like he had missed his chance. He could not face Antonio after all of that. He was too ashamed. Antonio likely did not actually want to see him, anyway.

"No, I don't think he does," he said finally and quickly added, "It's not like I care about that Spanish bastard, anyway." _Liar. LIAR. _

Feliciano looked skeptical. It would have been just like him to ask a hundred questions, but somehow he managed to ask the one that had the most complicated, painful answer. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened?"

"Nothing happened!" Lovino felt ridiculous the moment he said it. It was clear that both of them knew that was a boldfaced lie. When Feliciano looked at him doubtfully, he sighed in resignation. "Look, you wouldn't understand."

"I could try," Feliciano said immediately. "You understood when I told you about me and Ludwig, so I'm sure I could-"

The mention of Ludwig- of Feliciano's perfect relationship- caused something inside of Lovino to snap. "I don't understand, actually," he said, interrupting him.

Feliciano blinked, looking confused. "What do you mean? You said you understood, you said it doesn't matter that Ludwig is a boy, and-"

"Yeah? Well, I was wrong. I actually think it's pretty damn weird." This was a lie, a horrible, cruel lie. Lovino instantly regretted his words.

Feliciano's eyes grew wide, and in what seemed like less than a second they grew watery. "Oh," he nearly whispered. "I just thought…" His voice cracked in that unmistakable way, and before Lovino could so much as apologize, he ran out of the room.

Lovino could have screamed. For the love of God, was there one person left in his life that he had managed not to hurt? Was there anyone left that wasn't a victim of his ridiculous, misplaced anger? Bitterly pushing this aside, he acknowledged with a heavy sigh that he would not be able to avoid church forever. Roma was bound to figure it out eventually, and who knows what would happen then? Not going to church in a sorry attempt to avoid his problems was about as effective as putting scotch tape on a broken dam. He knew that, and he knew he would eventually need to think of a better solution.

However, tonight was not the night for that.

.

It was well after two in the morning, and Lovino was wide-awake. His mind raced with thoughts of Antonio, of Feliciano, and just about everything in between. Feelings of guilt, anxiety, and faint traces of familiar anger rushed through his blood. His room was heavy with silence, broken only by the ticking of his clock. When his phone began to ring, he almost had a heart attack.

Instantly, he knew it must have been Antonio calling. The only other people that would ever call were in the house with him. His first instinct was to ignore it like he had his other calls, but everyone knew the rules. A call after nine at night was bound to be bad news. A call after eleven was sure to mean something awful had happened. If that was true, a call at two in the morning must mean that something similar to an apocalypse was underway. Something inside of him screamed incessantly that answering this was crucial, so he gave in and obeyed. He tried to sound casual, like receiving a call in the dead of night wasn't alarming in the slightest, but his voice ended up sounding weak and far away. "Hello?"

For a long moment, there was nothing but silence. When Antonio finally said something, his voice could barely be heard. "Oh, Lovino." The flat way he said it shook Lovino to the core. It sounded almost…final. "I was really beginning to believe you would never answer."

"Do you realize what time it is?" Lovino's harsh words didn't fit his unsteady voice. "What's going on?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing." Antonio sounded as though he attempted a laugh, but it came out as more of a sigh. "I do not have much time."

Lovino was instantly confused. "It's nearly three in the morning, bastard! What could you possibly be doing that's so important?" He tried to stifle the cold panic rising in his throat as he spoke. Something about this was just weird.

Another long pause. "What does anyone really do ever?" Antonio said, his voice still completely void of any emotion. His strange, rambling words and robotic tone made the conversation feel as though it was taking place in another dimension. Lovino was certain that Antonio had lost his mind. Before he could object, Antonio continued to speak. "Look, I really don't have a lot of time. I was calling to say goodbye."

Lovino blinked. The majority of his nerves had given way to plain confusion, but one word struck like a bolt of lightning… "Goodbye?" No, he refused to believe this was goodbye. It couldn't be. "Antonio, you aren't making any sense. I really need you to explain-"

"I do not have much time," Antonio said again, uncharacteristically cutting him off. "I'm going somewhere."

Lovino instantly imagined Antonio packing his bags and getting in a car, a desperate attempt to get far, far away from him, so far away that they would never so much as speak again. A stomach turning regret clutched his chest. Could their story really come to an end that was so gutless, so horridly unsatisfying? No, Antonio could not go, Lovino would fall apart. It couldn't end like this. He wanted to scream, to beg, but at the end he could only manage a far too casual sentence. "Where are you going?"

Antonio laughed in that same short, joyless way. "I don't know. Hell, probably. That's where people like me belong, right?"

Even if Lovino was completely lost, the strange, morbid words hit like bullets. It was almost painful to hear Antonio speak about himself this way. "Antonio-"

"I do not have much time." Dammit, how many times was he going to say that? What in the hell was so damn urgent? Before Lovino could even think to ask, Antonio's emotionless demeanor disappeared without warning and he continued in a flurry of words. "Before I go, I wanted to apologize for everything. I'm sorry for everything I put you through, and everything I did. I won't be around to hurt you anymore, Lovino." He took in a long, trembling breath and made a tortured sound Lovino had never heard from him. Coming from him, it sounded otherworldly. No…was Antonio _crying? _Lovino felt wild panic shoot into his bloodstream. What was going on? Before he could think of a single word to say, Antonio continued in an even smaller voice. "But Lovino… I will never be sorry that I loved you."

Loved? Why the past tense? What had changed? What in the hell was going on, and why did none of these questions have answers? Lovino's mind was absolutely spinning. He did not even know what to be confused about first. "Antonio, stop. Dammit, I need you to slow down and tell me exactly what in the hell is happening!" Lovino nearly shouted the words, desperation clawing at him from the inside out like a monster.

"Goodbye, _mi corazon._"

"ANTONIO!"

The line went dead. Lovino let the phone slip out of his shaking hand when he heard the dial tone screech into his ears. His mind spun, just like the room around him. He still did not know what Antonio meant. He said something about going to hell, which didn't make a whole lot of sense unless-

Lovino's heart stopped beating. A roar filled his ears and his stomach clenched in a mess of painful knots. He felt his entire world break, dissolve, explode around him when the most terrible thing he could possibly ever think of entered his mind. No, that could not possibly be it. No, he refused to believe it. This couldn't be happening. It was too cruel, no, _no, NO!_

_But what else could he mean? _

Lovino stopped breathing almost completely, a wave of panic stronger than anything he had ever felt washing over every part of him and squeezing the air from his lungs. He brought his trembling hand to his mouth, barely breathing, barely conscious, as tears began to slip down his face. A scream ripped through him that did not reach his lips.

_NO._

* * *

_To be continued..._


End file.
